Ducktales, Woo Woo

I'm on the duck's side, here.

I'm on the duck's side, here.

As a man with a beard who spends an inordinate amount of time in a swamp, I take a particular umbrage with Duck Dynasty, especially Phil Robertson, the one you always see talking about Jesus. You know. The Duck Commander. The guy who's always tricking ducks into trying to have sex with him so he can murder them.

Well, he’s got a movie coming out, and if the phrase “Citizens United Productions” fills you with confidence about the quality of your information, the Bad Duck Lieutenant has something for you!

Let’s take a look at this trailer, folks: Yes, it’s time for another edition of PEARL RIVER FLOW: TRAILER REVIEWS.

Less duck, more tales, more woo!

AH, Citizens United Productions, famous for being so bad and misleading that the US Supreme Court had to be called in to determine if what they said was illegal. “Technically, it’s legal for us to say this” is both their hard-earned slogan and the bar which they strive to reach with every production.

Yes, this quack film is being brought to the theaters by the scintillating masterminds behind Hillary: The Movie, the worst movie ever to be the subject of a Supreme Court Case. It’s not a pornography in the traditional sense of the word, as most legally-challenged films are, but there is a fuck ton of mental masturbation throughout. But, none of the fun kind.

Citizens United Productions was also legally allowed to produce Occupy Unmasked, which is "a deranged hodge-podge of bizarre memes, wild dot-connecting and unadulterated fury." according to one review that, I imagine, makes the movie sound far more fun than it actually is. Additionally, that’s the best description of Breitbart News that I’ve ever heard.

Breitbart - the news outlet named for the racist asshole who got ACORN defunded through fraudulent videos - is important here, because they’re an integral part of Citizens United Productions. They also employed the producer of this movie, Stephen K. Bannon, an ex Goldman Sachs investment banker who thinks that  Ronald Reagan beat the commies with one hand tied behind his back by the liberal elites. That didn't stop him from making money with Sean Penn and Seinfeld, though.

Plus, since he was in Hollywood right before Biosphere 2, and was a part of that project, I can only make the astounding leap in reasoning that he is at least partially responsible for Paulie Shore’s Biodome.

For most people, working in investment banking and Hollywood would be enough black karma to last an eternity in one of the more inventive Buddhist hells, but Bannon wasn’t content to do that, and in order to secure his deplorable bonafides, went to work at Breitbart before becoming the Donald Trump campaign's Chief Executive Officer!

Another name they’re tossing out in this trailer is David N. Bossie, Donald Trump’s deputy campaign manager. If Citizen’s United Productions and, by extension, Breitbart and Torchbearer were any more a Donald J. Trump Junior joint, this movie would have giant gold TRUMP letters on it somewhere.

I need to get back to this trailer now. We all know the demons behind the camera are worse than anything their bible conjures, so let’s see what illusions they’re casting to ensnare the innocent.

The trailer opens with a hopeful monologue, as the only happy voice in the mix proclaims “even the mightiest of dynasties eventually crumble,” as we at home are filled with the hope that the Duck Dynasty will be the next bag on the trash fire of history.

Alas, we are then shown the shotgun shooting Ayatollah of Louisiana himself, the only face associated with hunting ducks that’s more vilified than that damn dog from Duck Hunt, Phil Robertson - DUCK COMMANDER! Oh, and he’s serious. He’s telling us!

“In the beginning, there was God! Beyond all time and space there was god...:”

We’re not going to get into the infinitely recursive question of “well then what was before God if everything has to have a beginning, and if it was beyond all time, how can it be before and if it was outside of space, where was God, so never mind all that then. Those, I am told, are the questions of a child. The answers to those questions are deep. Deep answers, down at the bottom, I’m sure.

Thirty seconds in we’ve got SATAN! Satan, “the father of lies,” represented by… uh, a clearly rubber cobra in a fake tree.

Hold on a second. A fake snake? Is that a metaphor for the illusory nature of the devil? A clue that you’re not taking this seriously? I know it can’t be because you can’t get a real snake, Phil, you live in a swamp and spend all your time there, you can find a real fucking snake okay?

I am beginning to think these assholes don’t care. Anyway, back to the trailer.

“Man shakes his fist at his creator” Phil lets us know - because atheists spend all our time angry at a thing we don’t believe in. Or maybe he just knows that everyone watching this trailer is out there shaking our fists at the creator of this film.

Now Phil’s mad. He says that mankind has said to itself “I decide what’s right and wrong!” The fact that he thinks this is wrong is beside the point. Obviously this is true. We do decide what is right and what is wrong. We’re maybe not so excellent at it, but I think we do alright.

NEXT: IN GOD WE TRUST vanishes from the money! What? It is still on the money, right? If I  had any money or knew anyone with money I’d find out for myself, so let’s see…. If only there was some way to find a few dollars and conclusively prove this guy was fulllll of shit.


Forty-five seconds in, we get to what appears to be the main point of the trailer: ISIS and NAZIS!

ISIS and Nazis are what happens when you don’t believe in GOD! You’ll believe in anything! I mean, I’m no geopolitical expert, nor an authority on the Third Reich, but Phil. Buddy. Phil. Duck Commandant. Bro. Look. I’m pretty sure you could sit in your Duck Diner in Monroe,Louisiana, get on the free wifi, and use your phone to wikipedia the fact that ISIS is pretty hardcore up in that “believing in God” thing.

Same goes for Nazis. Christian apologists have an amazing technique for handling this egregious error - anyone who follows a God who isn’t precisely what they think God should be doesn’t technically believe in God, since it's not their exact God! It’s an argument that works better with Scotsmen, I think.

I don’t want to get into the Nazi thing, but I have a feeling it’ll come up again. It’s a short trailer, but there can’t be too many points Duck Commander-Admiral can make, here.

We’re fifty seconds in, now. Shit’s getting real.

“With the Fall, Death entered into creation. Now all of creation is subject to its bondage to decay.”

Oh hell yes. Phil is getting METAL AS FUCK. This, I can get behind. It doesn’t really sound like something Phil would say, though, does it? That’s because it’s from the Bible! Romans 8:21. Duck Commander is getting ready to engage in mutual assured duckstruction, baby! We’re talking end of the fucking world, kids, so buckle up and get ready to die!

How did I know Phil didn’t say that? It’s a long sentence with recursion. The Three Star Duck Commander doesn’t talk like that. He reads his lines like Donald Trump gives political speeches. Disjointed word chunks. Order not important. Loudmouth poetry. GOOD. HUGE DUCKS.

We’re one minute and twenty seconds in when Duck Commander General laments the fact that human beings have moral reasoning. This is clearly a problem for him, as he indicates with a dejected sigh at the end of the line: “When men begin to determine what’s right and wrong.” Of course, as he says that, the trailer shows us things that are wrong. Atheists and believers both will recognize them as wrong, just as we recognize the wrongness in his next, absolutely bonkers line: “In the absence of god, the man with the biggest stick determines your worth.”

Shit, someone tell the medieval peasants that their existence was egalitarian and free, because there’s no way that the Catholic Church or the Caliphates ever practiced anything like that. No sir, authoritarian bullying is impossible with God!

BACK TO THE CAROUSEL OF HORROR! Moral decay? Give them a flash of Miley Cyrus. Sure, she can’t even be in the running for the top one-hundred worst things happening to the world right now, but Duckmaster Flash hates her, I can tell!

Twenty seconds later, we’re only one minute and forty seconds into this gibbering nightmare, which I have had to watch at least four times for this review, so HAVE PITY ON ME!

I… I think the Duck Rear Admiral Third Degree is in Rome, now, and he’s got his arms spread wide and his beard in full flow, Old Testament style and he’s saying “WHEN HE OPENED THE FOURTH SEAL AND I HEARD A VOICE SAY COME!”

Yes, the Ducken Oberleutnant is reading his bible again, and this time it’s Revelations 6: 7-8, where DEATH rides his pale horse to kill! He kills with war, he kills with famine, and, he kills with, uh… death. Okay, that seems a little redundant, but I’m not gonna argue with Death.

To drive the point home, the trailer shows us sickening images of violence, mostly done by terrorists in the Middle East and Africa who have ISIS flags and certainly, without a doubt, in absolutely no way believe in God.

If only ISIS knew they didn’t believe in God, they could quit their holy war and start telling people about astronomy like the rest of us atheists.

SO, we’ve seen some death and we’ve seen some doom and we’re nearing the end, baby! We’re two minutes and five seconds into this never-ending bad trip and all the orange slices and vitamin B in the world aren’t helping as Ducktor Doom blames non-belief again! What has it done this time? It’s responsible for people feeling lonely, ashamed, and self conscious!

FUCK! Nobody tell the Catholic Church that atheists invented shame. I’m sure that none of those emotions were ever felt before Nietzsche said “God is dead,” and those are all emotions that are never felt by believers. That’s gotta save church-goers a ton on therapy bills, right? Sorry if you do believe in God and every once in awhile you feel a little lonely, because the Duck Commander thinks you’re no TRUE CHRISTIAN.

Okay, quick note at 2:20, Duck General says all this death is “the legacy of fallen mankind,” but isn’t all mankind fallen? Whatever.

But hang on! The hunting guy is ashamed that we’re full of violence and carnality. So here come the NAZIS to prove that… atheists are evil? Did the National Socialist Party believe in God? I feel like that iron cross might be a clue, so let’s take a quick look into it:

Yes. The whole thing where the inner circle of the Third Reich is satanic, degenerate, and oddly effeminate? That’s a lie started shortly after World War II ended, and most Germans were as fully believing Christians as most are now, or most Americans are now. The members of the National Reich Church would have been pretty astonished to learn that they were not Christians, and I feel like the Wehrmcht would have had to change it's motto if they knew that God was not, in fact, with them.

But don’t worry about the death and the pale horse! Duck Overlord knows the only way to solve this problem! WAR! The “best chance of civilization!” WAR. GREAT. Violence and carnality and we decide what’s good and bad! Dark Ducker is here to save us all with a war, that’s what it’s good for!

So now it spirals down into Duckmaster Duckman wandering in the woods, a hobby he is besmirching. All in all, we have a trailer that is incoherent, a wet mess of pictures and unrelated words, a morass of moral judgements, preaching, and bible verses. A hodge-podge grab-bag of history, truth, and theology. In other words, it's the Breitbart Bible, coming soon to a theater near you. In Madison. At the Malco.

The movie will be out on October 7th, at which point I may try and slog through a torturous review.

Please hate this article so I don't have to do it.