Gay Marriage FAQ - Mississippi Edition

The train of gay marriage is going to come down these tracks. Or not. They're in really bad shape.


Following the very recent state court case that is preparing the way for gay marriage in Mississippi's future, we at Pearl River Flow have received numerous (the exact number being zero) requests for information and clarification regarding the case, the appeals, and the parties involved.

Here is our best attempt at clearing up this matter. *

*Note: This is actual totally legit legal advice, and you should of course use it in a court of law, in front of a judge, for stuff that is important.

Q: Does this mean I can marry my turtle?

A: No.

Q: But I really want to marry my turtle. Her plastron is amazing, I mean, just look at it. The ridges on her carapace really...

A: No.

Q: What if I'm Canadian?

A: If you have dual Canadian-Dutch citizenry and a hankering for testudines, go to Quebec, at the Ministry of Records after 17:00, and ask a janitor for "Gary." When Gary arrives, he will ask you about the weather. You should respond "It's a cold day for pontooning," at which point he will give you phone number to text. Text that number then go to the address listed in the reply. From there, the pathway to legal Man-turtle or Woman-turtle marriage is straightforward. Currently, trans or inter-sexed individuals wishing for turtle marriage must travel to the Netherlands, though in the Netherlands, the turtle must provide proof of consent to the marriage, making the services of a professional pet psychic invaluable.

Q: What if I'm straight? Can I get a gay marriage?

A: Yes! In fact, we here at Pearl River Flow encourage this route. Since there are fewer gay divorces than straight divorces, getting a gay marriage to your opposite-sex partner is therefore statistically most likely to result in a lifelong commitment.

Q: I heard that now we all have to get gay married.

A: This is true. Thanks, Obama.

Q: Will I have to provide gay wedding cakes if I am a baker?

A: The sexuality of the cakes you will be providing should be left up to the person who orders the cake. This is doubly true for bakers of erotic cakes.

Q: Erotic cakes? Is that a thing?

A: Yes. Yes it is. It is exactly what it sounds like.

Q: I don't like this. What should I do?

A: I don't blame you. Erotic cakes are a confusing, but edifying, concept. While disliking them is in no way indicative of any personal defect, you should let everyone else find out how they feel about sexualized pastries before attempting to prevent their consumption and purchase. It's a harmless, but economically valuable, baking niche.

Q: I meant gay marriage.

A: Oh, then just go fuck right off.

Q: Is anyone attempting to stop this likely inevitable advancement of human rights? Who is going to be on the wrong side of history here?

A: Your usual suspects. Retrogressives like your governor, Lt. Governor (That's Lite Governor for those of you not "in the know" about Mississippi politics) various members of the punditry, and your big-D democratically elected Attorney General, Jim Hood, who will travel to a distant land and argue the case that our hatefully exclusive law be kept in working order, in front of massive Law Robots of the 5th Circuit, which obey the 13 Laws of the Cyberlord. He will attempt to prove to the robots that neither he nor they understand the human concept of "love."

We hope this clarifies any questions our reader may have had.