This is an interview between the staff of Pearl River Flow and an adult female blue heron we found fishing in the bayou between the levee and 1-20, at the end of Pearl Street. Names have not been changed to protect the Ardeidae, which is not an endangered species, and is quite common.
PRF: "So, you're a large bird with a long neck and legs that makes her living fishing in shallow water with a harpoon-like beak. Do you think that your ambush style of predation really fits in with either candidate?"
Blue Heron: "Well, I have to say that in a lot of ways I'm quite conservative. The first heron-like birds showed up in the fossil record about 45 million years ago - it was after the dinosaurs got real small, like I think government should be. But it wasn't until the Miocene era that we really got our "feet in the water," if you get the joke there."
PRF: "I didn't realize you were joking. I'm so sorry. So, which candidate takes up issues most important to you?"
Blue Heron: "Well, I'm pretty big on the issue of crustaceans and small fish in shallow, evaporating pools. That's kind of my thing. I hear that McDaniel sometimes goes to shallow pools and thrusts his face into the mud, opening his outsized beak at the last moment to grasp his prey, before tossing it down his throat whole."
PRF: "I'm pretty sure Chris McDaniel doesn't do that."
Blue Heron: "Are you?"
PRF: "...no. But I'm sure he doesn't have a beak."
Blue Heron: "Well, on the other hand, Senator Cochran was in the navy. I'm a navy woman myself."
PRF: "I didn't know that. How do you feel about military spending?"
Blue Heron: "I'm sure it's a reflection of some sort of insecurity. Both candidates seem dead set on it. For McDaniel, it probably has to do something with his immense age."
PRF: "For the record, Heron, Mr. McDaniel is almost half the age of Senator Cochran."
Blue Heron: "Oh. Well. You all live too long anyway. He's what, 90?"
PRF: "Mr. Cochran is 76."
Blue Heron: "No, the other guy! Sweet mother of egrets, can people live to be 76? How old is McDaniel? 75?"
PRF: "According to our records, he was birthed in a nightmarish conglomeration of blood and ichor a mere 41 years ago."
Blue Heron: "I'm so glad I lay eggs."
PRF: "So, who will you be voting for in the runoff?"
Blue Heron: "Oh, I can't vote."
PRF: "On account of you being a bird? Why, that's speciesist, specious, and outrageous! I won't stand for it! None of evolution's beautiful creations deserves to be left out of the decision-making process in the most powerful nation on Earth!"
Blue Heron: "Oh, no, it's because I don't have a valid ID."