While out by the river, I found a waterlogged list of rejected novels, with little more than a title, author, and single summation by an unpaid intern.

Vampire Werewolf Toilet Cleaner - by Kesha Hairoldiwisk

"VWTC" is the tale of a young woman who is forced to choose between the love of a dashing young millionaire and that of a vampiric werewolf who cleans toilets for a living.

-This could be our chance to cash in on the "Twilight" craze. However, it touches on topics of race, class, and wealth, and is well written, so I nixed it.

Time for the Wine Seller in the Wine Cellar by Dandovich Hornswaggle.

"T4tWSitWC" is a horror story about a ABC employee who lives in the basement of a liquor store that is forced by law to close at 10 o'clock.

- While it does nail a lot of the absurdist humor, that stuff's doesn't sell, and the liquor store stuff is true-to-fact which might upset the yokels in the Blue Law zones.

Tea for Tentacles by John Smith Barry Johnson Jones

T4T tells the sensual story of a gun-toting suburban mother who loves the Tea Party, English Tea, and has an improbable romance with an eldritch benthic horror.

- I can't figure out who we're marketing this to, some obscure "Rule 34" niche, or the O'Reilly set. Sent it to the guy who made up Alex Jones.

Router Power by Laura Mae Mize

RP shows us a "slice of life" biography of a beleaguered network router in a typical modern home. While clever, it is written entirely in hexadecimal.

-4D7920676F642E205468652073706163696E672E20497427732062656175746966756C2E2049207468696E6B20746865207065796F7465206973206B69636B696E6720696E2E204D4F5448455221204D4F54484552212054415220414E4420424C4F4F4420414E44204252494D53544F4E4521204920484154452054484953204A4F4221

Floodwater Gypsy Tango by Erald "Ernst" Switczarf

FGT is an unfortunately racist erotica told by a flawed narrator in the first person. It has no redeeming qualities.

- Did O'Reilly send this in? If so, publish it!