While doing my usual scavenging down by the Pearl, I stumbled across an optical data tape. Tracking down the equipment to read it on was rather difficult, but not impossible.
What was on the tapes should have remained hidden and has been destroyed. However, in order to spread the misery, I feel as though I must give a short rundown of the contents here.
They were not done plumbing the cinematic depths....
Other Chain Email Movies: Pure Flix America C Reel
Help My Baby Live
Based on the scintillating email of the same name, Help My Baby Live offers a True American story - one couple TOO BROKE to have the baby that God wants them to have! In a world where abortion is almost mostly available, ONE COUPLE must debase themselves by asking total strangers for money - or else they will make their only choice PRO - DEATH. It's Juno meets Jesus Camp!
Saved By the Church Bell
You've all gotten the gut-punching TOTALLY TRUE EMAIL - now see THE MOVIE! The 2004 Megathrust Earthquake and Tsunami may have been among the most deadly natural disasters in human history, but not for one group of God-loving church-goers who picked the right God this Christmas! See Muslims kick the Christians out of town - and on to the high ground! You'll marvel at the wrath of a wronged deity - except this Christmas he's the DIE-iety!
Salute My Shorts
We at Pure Flix all know that U.S. Marines were so unprofessional that they gave Bill Clinton a purely ceremonial riffing nobody would ever have spotted when they didn't salute him - but did you know WHY? This summer's hottest comedy stars Randy Quaid as Bill Clinton - and Kirk Cameron as the zany Marine who's so concerned with the President's fingers that he won't even get his own near his face!
Hey, what's the deal with rectal thermometers? This documentary finds out how they're calibrated, with an attention to detail that can only be described as.... anal.
Missing Day - of the Condor
Conspiracy and intrigue so deeply hidden that only your weird Uncle would forward you an email mentioning it! ONE MAN is onto a secret SO HIDDEN that NASA doesn't even know it hid it! Watch as this increasingly improbably sequence of events becomes so impossible that there's no way it could NOT have happened! They say the truth is stranger than fiction - but what about a lie?
Who Fed The Dogs That?
We've all heard the story about the woman buying her dogs steak with food stamps - and if we've all heard it, it must be true! There is literally no other possible explanation! This movie dares ask the question - Who Fed the Dogs That?
He was denied justice. He was denied office. But NEXT SUMMER he won't be denied the truth! ACTION! Hard-hitting political wankery! One man may not be able to get to Congress with just a story - but Chris McDaniel's got a story, a gun, and a lot of enemies!
Double Secret Muslim: The Obama Intrigue
We may not know where he's from or which man in the sky tells him what to do - but what we don't know CAN hurt us! This documentary, which Dinesh D'Souza called "execrable, even by my unfathomably shitty standards" is the movie that THEY don't want US to release!
When people called God's Not Dead "a movie quite literally based on a chain email," they didn't know what we had in store for them next! The atheist philosophy professor may have died at the end of the last movie, but he got lucky and went to heaven, so one biologist is taking up the book - Darwin's Book! Look out! He's an evolutionist! Now one girl's dad must come out of debate team retirement - even if it blows out his debating valve in his brain and kills him - in order to defeat the diabolical teaching of biology in the biology classroom!