Spies and Nothingness

Communism is an idea, therefore, ideas have been canceled until further notice.

It has recently come to light that Jean-Paul Sarte and Albert Camus were studied not just by young philosophers in despair (and love) but also by J. Edgar Hoover's FBI. Long-time readers of this blog won't know my stance on Hoover, so suffice it to say, I won't be dragging his bad name through further mud, no matter how much he deserves it.

What other authors, thinkers, and philosophers were studied by bewildered G-Men? Fortunately, some rich twit with lakeside housing on the Reservoir of Racism was enamored of the House Un-American Activities Committee (Ironically, they found that committee formation was an Un-American activity) and when he found out that these notes had nothing to do with that, he threw them in the lake, after which they found their way to my fetid shores.

So, here I present to you, more 20th century thinkers examined by American G-Men:

Samuel Beckett: Have been following for days. Nothing seems to be happening, but I will issue a further report when his anticipated guest (Codename: Godot?) arrives. Should be soon. Have put off eating, sleeping to make sure no movements go unobserved. - Agent P.

Franz Kafka: May need to investigate further. Command believes him to be in possession of weapon capable of transforming men into insects. Please advise. - Agent T.G.

James Joyce: Have no idea what he is up to. Writes messages exclusively in coded language, referring to events no doubt cataclysmic. Have sent analysis to top cryptologists. - Agent Q.

Bertrand Russel: May be in possession of invisible, or perhaps immaterial, teapot. Said teapot appears to be capable of spaceflight maneuvers currently impossible by all known craft. Forwarding reports to NACA. - Agent T.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: Believed to be very dangerous with a fireplace poker. If he must be engaged, do so away from fireplaces. - Agent K.P.

Ernest Hemingway: Back off, Agents. We're already on to this one. I'm sure it'll end well. - Agent X.


Any comments or remarks over mistakes or misunderstandings regarding philosophical or literary in-jokes should be addressed to the faculty of Millsaps College, philosophy department. All mistakes are theirs, not my own.