Rejected Buzzfeed Articles

We tried to burn this barrel, but my compatriots didn't quite understand fire-building technology.

In the sun scorched wastelands south of the old dump, where no man dares tread, lie things that should not see the sun, secrets that twist the minds of men. Also, the city has some real estate out there for storage, which is a good idea, since property values are low, and it's a reclamation project, and the EPA offers generous grants on brownfield restoration... oh, wait, where was I?

Things that should not be!

Weird apparitions smoldering underneath oilslick waters. Tangles of hose and concrete spilling forth from the vegetation.

No, really.

Things down there are wretched and unholy, but the worst of these things I have uncovered came from the most unholy of world-ruining mental ichor.

Buzzfeed. That which haunts the men who once believed that the dark tower of slavery and gibbering madness was the Huffington Post, that word on the clotted tongue-stumps of those who whisper the vacuous shibboleth "Upworthy."

One billion dollars. That is the value of this noise that feeds. Well, close to that. One billion dollars by HuffPo rounding techniques.

But yet despite the evidence you would gather with but a few quick clicks, there are things that Buzzfeed nor Huffington Post nor Upworthy will push out onto the internet.

Here then, beyond the ken of sanity, are the things that Buzzfeed would not print.

.....I was going to make this joke, but robots did it already.