Updates to the Pearl River Flow Service: September, 2014:
*Website only causes existential despair upon absorbing the contents, not merely by visiting.
*Website no longer forces pencils to question their role in a rapidly changing network-focused environment, as per requests by forestry commission.
*Conspiracy theories will now be rendered entirely in recursive logic and comic sans.
*All CAPS will no longer be shouted through unconnected speakers. Previous editions of website would also utilize unpowered speakers, leading to several claims of "haunting." This should no longer happen. If it does, contact your local Ghostbusters affiliate.
*Nuclear War is still a thing that can happen. However, no links on the website will lead to extinction, as per user request.
*Reading certain entries out loud will no longer result in hypnosis of local rodents. Users who want this functionality restored should purchase a new iPhone and give it to the first squirrel they meet, leaving this website pulled up.
*Damage numbers have been increased across the board. Defeating bosses in the "Collections" section should prove to be much faster, but not easier.
*Problems in which reading certain entries would cause leaky gut syndrome have mostly been addressed.
*Explosions down 89%.
*Most statistics are now 55% more correct.
*Panther attacks are now guaranteed to be prevented in all panther-free areas. Contact your local wildlife to find out if you qualify for FREE panther attacks!
*All water molecules involved have been modified to have the correct number of sides.
*Smoking will now cause lung cancer as intended, and not pregnancy. We apologize for the mix up, and are offering free cigarettes to anyone affected by this issue.
*Control Group B should now display in reality.
*Experimental Group B will no longer appear through "solid" objects. If you see any phantom apparitions, this is no longer the problem of this website.
*Lag is up, in an attempt to address the issue in which the bandwidth of the site would cause certain desktop operating systems to execute their owners.
*Human beings are now not awful when encountered through the cultivated lens of this artificial environment. Exterior humanity is not covered by this patch, though our team is working on something for late fall, 3031.
*Class war is now available for more than 1% of users.
*Philosophical dread is currently disabled for most users. If the bug persists for your system, simply remind yourself these things do not matter one way or the other.
*Space is still infinitely large for all users. However, strict time limits have been activated, usually in the 60-80 year range. Check your user manual for details.
*Costs are up. Wages are down. Attempts to address this bug were met with police. Stay tuned for further updates.
*Most wasps have had stingers removed. If this issue persists in your area, please leave or develop a friendly relationship with the wasps.
*Fleeting feeling of justice that comes with fixing small problems on mobile devices has been replaced with foreboding sense of mortality.
*Foreboding sense of mortality can now be fixed with application of ethanol.
*Earth should no longer randomly reject your gravitational attraction based upon time spent on the site.
*Fish will no longer thank you for using the site. This was disturbing to several of our users, despite being an intended feature. For those who wish to be thanked by fish, we recommend that you stop eating seafood.