Pearl River Monster


I could - and sometimes do - go on at nauseating length about the wonders of nature. Nature has wasps that are basically sci-fi horror monsters, molecules that will eat your brain, intelligent mold, talking apes, prehistoric oddities at the bottom of the sea - and that's just on Earth. 

But say that perhaps the truth was not interesting enough for your tastes? Say you wanted a little extra icing on that infinitely large and delicious cake? Well in that case you'd be interested the frayed flier that washed up on the shores of Belhaven Beach:

Consider a career in the exciting world of cryptozoology!

Dear Readers - I have. What you see above is the culmination of my hunt. The hunt for Big Muddy - the Pearl River Cryptobionoid.

Big Muddy: Totes Exists, You Guys

I mean, I got a picture. That's good enough, right? Shouldn't the Discovery Channel be down here with some big beards and cameras? I've even got the beard, Discovery Channel - in case you're looking.

It's not like a news agency would push a story with less than a picture, is it? What? Just some dudes talking? That's all it takes?

Now, it's not just any random yahoo who saw this unlikely creature. Nope, it's Paranormal Investigators - aka "unicorn hunters." They have a very easy job, because what they're looking for can be conjured up with a bit of imagination, and the desire to not look into things very hard. You may recognize this as the exact opposite of investigation, unless you're a policeman investigating internal misconduct or really rich people. Then, you might have a cushy position here in Mississippi waiting for you when you retire!

So, back to my cryptobionoid. Or cryptid? Seriously? Cryptid? That's lame. I think I'm going to stick with cryptobionoid.

My cryptobionoid (pictured above) is "Big Muddy." In order to prove he exists, I am going to use the same airtight logic these crack investigators employ. There's only two non-crytobionoid things that could make that image: A giant anthropomorphic catfish, or a boat. It's clearly not a boat, so therefore it's Big Muddy.

It's better evidence for Big Muddy than our Vicksburg Swamp-Ape evidence which consists of what can only be a bear or some sort of human-like ape. It's not a bear, so... bigfoot.

Call me back when people don't have feet anymore.