There are times when I photograph pictures of garbage, and times when garbage is thrown at me. In this case, I feel like someone was probably just trying to get the book away from their eyes as quickly as possible, and I just happened to be in the way.
The full subtitle of the book is "The Amazingly True Story of a Honest Boy Who Saw Angels, God, Light, Heard Angels Telling Him About the Life He Was Living, and Told Everyone All About Illumination Issues Before Telling Us What He Saw Before Dying Again but HE GOT BETTER!"
Chapter One: The Blatherskite Sequence
Ms. Blatherskite: "Bein' serious people, we were skeptical at first when Garry came to us saying that he'd just been hit on the head with a baseball strike, and that he'd just seen some stars and his ears were ringing."
Mr. Blatherskite: "Before some of us could even tell the 'doctor' what had happened, he said it was a concussion, that he'd be alright. But see - I see the news. This was baseball, see, not football, and even the NFL doctors, who are probably real doctors, not some fake twitter-usin' kid - say it's not likely that you can get a concussion from the football. So a baseball smash? NO way. That kid was dead. Only one reason you fall over like that."
Ms. Blatherskite: "But sayin' that Garry wasn't dead, that was true. But seems as if he had died, like we've been saying, then there was only one explanation. Garry was no longer dead."
Chapter Two: Breaking Skepticism
Ms. Blatherskite: "Boy saw something on the innernet, where a guy in a hat told him to test things out."
Mr. Blatherskite: "Believe science if you want, but that fedora-wearin' fellow had a point that we hadn't considered. I wanted to put a camera 'round Garry's neck and hit him on the head with a bat, see..."
Ms. Blatherskite: "Baseball smack's what got him into Heaven in the first place."
Mr. Blatherskite: "Bible sure don't mention cameras or baseballs, sure, and we read it alpha to omega several times in a row. Now, our agent..."
Ms. Blatherskite: "Book said to get an agent right away if your kid came back smilin' from heaven. That agent's the one who told us that heaven looks like bright shining lights and that angels sound like a ringing in your ear.
Chapter Three: Boy Schemes
Mr. Blatherskite: But see - Garry had to die again and tell us about heaven or else all his dying would have been sure 'nuff for nothing. Garry told us bout some heaven that first time, but sure as bat shit is bull shit, we decided we had to get a second opinion."
Ms. Blatherskite: "Bothersome, silly, that Garry done died like that right when we needed him to. A second time, even. We had a doctor come out and say he was dead, because since last time he died the doctor said that he wasn't quite dead, even though he'd seen heaven!"
Mr. Blatherskite: "Boy sure couldn't tell us much after his head injuries on his second trip to heaven. We don't know how he got them. Must have been Savior Lord Jesus what done knocked him in the head. That doctor was a good doctor, from a Bible School and everything. He told us that the best way to get to Heaven temporarily was to do a breathin' streak in an ice cold bath. So the three of us gathered round him, dunked him down like a real life Baptismal surprise, and then we stood there above him and figured out just how to get Garry back straight from Heaven."
Chapter Four: Benign Suspicions
Mr. Blatherskite: "Boy's smart, I'll give him that. After that Bible Science doctor drowned him in that ice water, he woke right up and started tellin us all about heaven. It was full of lights..."
Ms. Blatherskite: "Blatherskite senior, don't you forget about the angels! There were angels! Garry said they were like three human forms standin' all around him sayin things! Not just that rubbish ringing in the ear. Garry said they were talking about him, specifically, and that they were the ones who told him that it wasn't his time, that they told him to come on from Heaven and live!"
Mr. Blatherskite: "But since we found out that in the Bible studies, Heaven don't work like that, we chalked it all up to angels. Our Garry's probably possessed by a demon or something. Our agent told us to go ahead and write the book, since he'd probably have to change our name or something. Said nobody would trust someone with a name like 'Blatherskite."
This book goes on quite curiously for some time, before inevitably being flung away from the reader. In an attempt at journalistic inquiry and hearing both sides of the story, we drowned several interns in an attempt to reach the other side for a collaborating statement from the Powers that Be.
At this time, we have not had any success, though we are now of the belief that god is either a giant beetle, or a mollusc.
Some theological handwringing may ensue.