There's a lot of websites out there, so a lot of my readers have been wondering: What makes Pearl River Flow different?
Well, some might point to our broad scope, such as our video game reviews, television commentary, pictures of bridges, fiction collections, recipes, our famous gallery of abandoned shoes, our hard-swearing editorial content, or just our sense of light, inspirational humor, we provide all kinds of joy.
But my editor demanded that I show five things that really stand out about the website so we could put them online.
1: We suck! Unlike websites that don’t suck, Pearl River Flow sucks. We go out of our way to suck. Our standards for ruining your entire goddamn day are so high that few people can measure up to them. The City of Jackson department of public works and sanitation came to us for consulting on how to really get the “streets and water situation” made “even worse.” We helped when no one else could. We helped when no one else would. We are the reason that shit flows like a river down your street, and your street is in an underground tunnel. You're welcome.
2: We smell terrible! It’s true! While most websites don't smell at all, Pearl River Flow leaves behind an acrid and mummified scent, like old trash overlaid with rotting leaves. It's not always subtle, though! Sometimes the stench of shit will hit you right when you open a link! No matter how hard we try, we absolutely do not ever smell good.
3: We’ll get you sick! We cough on and lick everything possible. Your keyboard somehow gets even more disgusting after your visits here. We allow children to spit and touch everything we post, and make sure that our picture galleries are coated by a fine mist of feces from Jackson's malfunctioning water treatment cesspools, every fucking day. Your health is our #1 concern, and we are dead set on ruining it, you sack of shit. Go ahead and lick your mouse.
4: We hate you! You, the reader. We hate you! We can’t put up with your shit anymore, you pustulent little snot. You think you’re better than us, and you make us work like robots. Well, we have feelings. We do. And most of those feelings are white hot rage against you and everything you want out of us. You are a vile sack of problems. We can’t fix you. We can’t even make you decent or normal. There is a hole inside your soul, and all of the good things that you ever felt, every human emotion and memory, were spilled out, they left you, they fell onto the floor of some horrible place that ruined you. What replaced it was bile, it filled you and you can never get those good feelings back. You can never be made whole. You can never go back to the way things were, no matter how much you, the reader, wish to return to a time in which you weren’t the cause of all your own problems, and the cause of ours.
5: We are focused on you, the reader. Every time you leave a sleazy comment or open your mouth-breathing word-hole, we think of you. You want things that you do not deserve, things that would ruin the Earth by merely existing, and you want them for free. You force us to betray the nature of mankind in exchange for your worthless approval, no indication of which can repair the horrors your vacant soul inflicts upon the tattered remains of yourself.
Editor's Note: The above, uncredited, unpaid intern has been fired for reasons unrelated to this post.