Alternative TED Event Which I Will Totally Be Putting On

After the thrilling TED talk I'm told I gave last year, the City of Jackson was understandably eager to bring the event back.  We're glad, as there are very few outlets for white people to have their views heard these days.

Unfortunately, my application, which I submitted via the usual route of taping it to a racoon and letting that racoon loose in the TEDx Jackson office, was lost this year, and I won't be able to speak to the crowd.

Tickets to TEDx Jackson are 100 dollars. If you'd like a more economical intellectual adventure, Pearl River Flow has you covered.

For only 50 dollars, you can enjoy the Pearl River Learning Overflow. It may cost half as much, but - it lasts four hours longer! Plus, breakfast and dinner are included! You'll have to buy your own lunch.

Here then, is the SCHEDULE:

6:00 - Arrival and breakfast. We will disembark from Jackson and head toward the first destination. FPJerome will give a short speech on pork belly commodity pricing, the bacon trend, and the orange juice industry while you eat.

6:30 to 7:30 - Soil Types Alongside Highway 51. During our travel toward the Farm Education Experience, FPJerome will discuss the various soil types along the highway. A short geological history of the soils and their impact on the life of the communities along the highway will also be included.

7:30 to 8:00 - Coffee, Farm Surprise. "What happens when a group of people coming over for coffee surprise my parents?" With more and more millennials moving back home to live with their parents, this important sociological question will be more timely than ever!

8:30 to 9:30 - Various Farm Implements. We'll take a guided tour of various farm implements. With all the advances in prosthetics taking place, it's important for you to see all the pinch points and hydraulic hinges that are removing so many of those limbs!

10 to 11:30 - The Biological Implications of Roadkill. Roadkill! This local, sustainable meatsource isn't often used by humans, but entire colonies of insects rise and fall based on this nutrient source. Crows, vultures, and all kinds of small mammals rely on this wonderous source of protein. As we drive through the countryside, examples of roadkill will be found, investigated, and dissected with the use of sticks specially crafted for that purpose. Poking stick provided.

11:30 to 12 - LUNCH BREAK IN CAMDEN, MISSISSIPPI. After the lunch break, a designated driver will be picked via our Interactive Choice Promotion. The drinks that are carried with the group will then be allotted to FPJerome for the next part of the Pearl River Learning Overflow Experience.

12 to 2:00 - The Reservoir. Do you know who hates the Ross Barnett Reservoir? FPJerome! It's named after a terrible racist, it's destructive to the Pearl River, and... well, if you want to hear more, including the histories of drowned towns, the plight of threatened species, and ranting tours of horrifying suburban nightmares, then you'll have to sign up!

2:00 to 4:30 - The Artist's Workshop. A tour of the grounds on which the Pearl River Flow takes all of it's inspiration and finds all of it's glorious trash and news. We'll explore various creeks, discuss gar, and find hobo hideouts! Never search a hobo hideout.

5 Until: Dinner and Discussion. We'll talk about microbiomes, fermentation, and whatever else I drunkenly decide to spew out while you're totally welcome to look that shit up on wikipedia or YouTube as the drinks continue to flow. Drinks for participants are not included. 

Reserve your spot in the Pearl River Learning Overflow Experience today!