EDITOR'S NOTE: We'd like to welcome the mysterious young man known only as BC Pearl River Flow. I remember what I first said to BC as though it were only yesterday, which is a shame, since I met him about an hour ago. I saw him in my office, and I said to him, "Your technique is all wrong! You can't let a racoon get up under something like that! Control your environment! He's got some pork rinds! Let me at him!"
BC and I shared those pork rinds, and later, the remnants of a box of fried chicken that another, larger racoon was guarding. We utilized teamwork - BC distracted her, while I shooed her away. When I asked him how he'd found us, he told me that he'd read his discarded review of Fallout 4 on our website.
Then, we had a fistfight, because he wanted a split of our sweet revenues gained from hosting his review. In a moment of uncharacteristic generosity, I gave him more than it was worth - a couple of stale cajun fries and an empty bottle to put some moonshine in, if he came across any later.
He told me why he had come to us. What he had in his hands after his exile from campus life.
A stolen pre-alpha version of Fallout 5.
Therefore, we present this world exclusive, before any of the big gaming sites, before any news organization, before the pirates and internet trolls smear this information across the intertubes.
Fallout 5 Revealed
by BC, Intern of the Primal Swamps
Ornery cheetoh-dusted types across the internet bemoaned the graphics of the last Fallout installment, the one that left me a social pariah, addicted to the power of fascism and rejected from my safe spaces.
I am glad to say that this new installment does not skimp on the graphical details, even in this early form. In fact, the photorealistic textures and environments seemed far more realistic than reality. How is that possible? I don't know.
Since being stripped of my precious Fallout 4, I feel the primal urge to murder at all times. This pre-alpha build is entirely lacking in NPCs, however, so I must relegate myself to mere exploration.
But I know where this takes place. A tiny hint was dropped in Fallout 4. Just as the single quest line in Fallout 3 spoke of "The Institute," and only the tiniest line of dialogue hinted at "The Institute" in Mr. House's obituary in Fallout: New Vegas.
You see, as I do, that most Fallout games are self-contained worlds. The terminals and conversations do not mention the outer world at all, or if they do, they mention only vagaries. When a real-life location is mentioned, pay attention!
The real life location mentioned in Fallout 4 ?
And that's on top of being mentioned in Fallout 3, as the player can make Mississippi Quantum Pie!
The location is hinted to be the hilariously named "Buddy Butts Park," which could never be the real name of a government location. But that's the glory of the Fallout world, letting us experience a fictionalized world where governments peer face to face with oblivion and gamble the existence of the species for the tiniest of gains.
I hope there's lots of super mutants and raiders. In the pre-pre-alpha version we had, there were serious texture issues with the ground. I knelt to make sure. My knees hurt.
While I'm sure that these issues will be addressed in future updates, Bethesda's history with bugs doesn't do my cold, dead heart any good!
The crafting system seems to be making a comeback. I found barrels, wrenches, and other bits of flotsam and jetsam, and I was able to pick them up and fling them! I wished (oh how I wished) that I could fling them at people who would DIE, but alas, the place was bleak, desolate, depopulated. Perhaps this Fallout installment takes place closer to the inevitable nuclear event that will cause mass extinction? Anyway, I was walking around for about an hour before I saw a barrel, meaning that this is the best game ever.
Barrels stood rusting, the bloody red pipes led to adventure destinations unknown! Why surely we'll be able to pick up things like these little samples to salvage valuable parts!
But it's not all pieces of wasteland junk! Oh no! While we didn't see any bandits out there, the area we explored, which was 200 acres large, we did find some nice RAIDER GRAFFITI. Clearly, the story will focus around the actions of someone named LANDON. Raider gangs make a return, especially the EYE LASERS and LIZARD TUNG.
The damage to the structures and debris in this game seems far more drastic than in other Fallout installments. Perhaps, instead of 200 years into the Fallout Future, this game is only 100 years? We can't tell!
There are a load of different types of area in the game, too:
The alternate universe technology of the Fallout universe returns in force, of course! There's myriad punch-card computers, and generators pulling belts on steels wheels, buried in the overgrown muck.
Whatever awaits the new Fallout 5, we're sure there's going to be some serious adventuring! Look at this walkway over some disgusting water, and tell ME that the graphics and engine aren't up to the challenges of the devastating future!
Sadly, we couldn't learn much more out of the tortured game codes of the pre-alpha scrambled hard drives I dug out of the septic tank on Bethesda property. Maybe, one day, we'll know what these geniuses are striving for. Until then, I leave you with a bit of persistent open-world mysticism, the ever-burning bush I found in the midst of this settlement...
Until the next FALLOUT is OUT, I leave you, fair readers, I, BC, will always be here to...
BC has been fired, and, let's face it, probably killed. Any future attempts to reach him will be fed to the racoon.