Further Updates: Version 2

 

 

We here at Pearl River Flow do not pay any of our writers, photographers, editors, or interns. All of our money goes towards Bourbon, though occasionally outlays are budgeted for the procurement of other types of whiskey.

This lack of financial compensation is undertaken in order to maintain the highest degree of incorruptibility possible. As our founder, FP Jerome, once said: “...money corrupts the rich and poor alike. Capitalism turns the capitalist to evils, and all television news reporters are vile propagandists who should be shot.”

While we're not sure how he came to the final point, the fact of the matter is that our web technician is only paid in whiskey and sorrow, which is why updates do not come as often as they, perhaps, should.

He has released a list of updates in our latest attempt to improve the website:


Pictured above: The desk and equipment of our tech support intern (REDACTED).

RECENT UPDATES TO PEARL RIVER FLOW SERVICE

Invisible satanic runes have been removed from all photographs. Clearing your webcache and deleting your cookies should render any summoned imps vulnerable to destruction via normal means.

All attempts to use this website to play multiplayer games should now fail.

The prototypical urban legend about the frozen head of Elon Musk has been removed until Mr. Musk's death.

111% increase in made up statistics.

All remaining optimism will be purged if the reader continues to follow us on Twitter.

Several NSA spies have been removed from the physical server room.

Ichor covered figures should no longer crawl from the screen.

Giant spiders are no longer above and behind you while you read the website. If this feeling persists, see a qualified psycho-entomologist.

The empathy module has been removed from the website. While initial tests were promising, the disturbing nature of their interests has resulted in this course of action.

Atmospheric content will continue to change until a consensus has been reached between the governments of Earth and the Annunaki Lizardmen. If temperatures become too high for you during this negotiation, please consider radical action.

The word “whackaloon” has been deemed offensive to loon lovers, and we have replaced all known instances of the word on our website with “Scientologist,” as per our lawyer's request.

Our legal team has been converted to biomass.

Attempting to find the authors while they are on field research will no longer result in undue quantum displacement.

Chance has now been implemented online and off. You can cease to blame individuals for every single problem that exists.

Excess oils will no longer exude from the keyboard while using the site.

Chronological displacement has been minimized.

Players using the website to duplicate items have been vaporized.

Soylent green is no longer people. A suitable aquaculture based substitute has been found.

Users who were prompted to merely “give up” for Lent have been instructed to not give anything up for Lent.

All uses of the letter 0 in the binaries have been replaced with the number O.

Databases now contain data, which has been removed from your base.

The website now offers full protection against damage in games of Team Fortress 2. Simply turn off TF2 and read the website instead and your character should stop taking damage. If you continue to take damage, seek medical attention.

Attempts to make the internet less horrible have currently failed. We cannot recommend any source of human interaction online other than this website.

Meatspace now contains 87% more meat.

Several cattle were using the website. We are looking into the issue to see if it can be replicated.

The issue where certain keys on the keyboard would bounce up suddenly and remove the readers fingernails has been mostly addressed. If this becomes a pathological concern for you, consider reading us on a touch screen.

Mobile users are allowed to move while viewing the website.

Cars should no longer make their own decisions and should be 13.5% less murderous.

Rings, earrings, and other hoop-shaped objects should no longer emit a strange squealing noise while viewing pictures and touching the computer.

Things under your desks and tables will no longer brush silently across the tops of your toes while you are distracted by the website. Any continued foot-touching in the dark is the result of non-website related issues.

Website is no longer available in written form at your local Arby's. This was a mistake by the publisher and a purchaser of strange meats.


As always, any issues you cannot deal with on the website are entirely up to you to either live with or fix. We accept no responsibility, which is a thing I just learned I can do. Sure, I may be responsible for these things, but I can just choose not to accept it, like not signing for a package.


On a less comedic note, we (I) are (am) working on the backend of some things here, and mobile users should already be getting a better experience. More pictures and some revamped pages are actually, honestly, in the works as well!