Dark Powermagic Program. V. I

HI! I'm Edward C. Alex, and if you're visiting THIS WEBSITE then you've just taken your FIRST STEP to bulking up on the Dark Powers offered to you by MAGIC. This isn't some pagan, nimby-mimby path to respecting your elders and communing with nature, no sir. This is Dark Powermagic, the kind used by REAL EVIL WIZARDS.

FIRST thing you've gotta do is SMASH ALL YOUR TAPES AND BOOZE. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Ed, this is primo Pantera here, partner. And booze makes me powerful. It's like alchemy."

BULLSHIT! IF you want to deny the masses their free will, first you gotta exercise your own. I recommend fifty choices a day, twice a day, hitting the three main choice-groups. Those are:

1: SEX: You won't be having it until you've reached LEVEL THREE. You have to maintain your power by holding on to your male energy. If you're female, then I don't know what to suggest, I've literally never had any woman interested in this program.

2: MUSIC: You won't be getting any music until LEVEL TWO. Listening to music imprints other people's thoughts onto your own. Only listen to Dark Powermagic thoughts until level TWO.

3: ALCOHOL: You're giving that up until LEVEL THREE. Alcohol makes your choices stupid. There are only a certain number of choices available in the universe. By making good ones and avoiding stupid ones, you're forcing other people to pick from the remaining stupid ones.

So, what can I drink? You may be asking yourself if all you ever drink is booze. In our program, you can drink water, unlike some Dark Magic Self Improvement. YES! You! Can! Drink water! 

BUT - what you need to get your reps up is Black Mana. You can get it at your local health food stores or at a licensed Dark Powermagic Dojo. It's pictured ABOVE at our favorite retailer, behind FPJEROME's place out on Creosote Slough.

We at Dark Powermagic don't hold to that nonsense that nature is somehow better than what the Dark Powers Below can provide and sustain. Natural doesn't mean healthy. Only buy your Black Mana from authorized dealerships. Anyone selling Black Mana is an authorized dealership. I personally destroyed everyone who sold unauthorized Black Mana through the magic of Dark Capitalism.

That said, rocks and plants are THE sources of the power that your body will need if you want to handle the thaumaturgic energy of Black Mana without withering away into an undead abomination.  That said, Undead Abominations have untold power. If you want to become one, I recommend the book by Richard Bruce "Apologize to Me Because I Shot You: Gaining Power Over Mortal Souls."

We can only recommend TWO ROOTS to eat. One you have to summon out of the ground from an alternate reality, it's pictured above. You should be able to summon it out of the ground after 1 day of choice reps and Black Mana. If you can't, keep trying.

"WMJPBJGMRTHRTF" is a mouthful. So is this delicious twisty root!

Pictured above is the other one. You have to call it by name. You get that name by saying the first letter of the last name of every US President that was a Mason.

Make sure you're standing on a spot where blood was spilled. Don't use your own unless you've got PLENTY of blood. You need your blood to dilute the Black Mana.

Don't fast! Your body needs the calories you get from Earth Food in order to survive and thrive. Until you can get all your mundane energy from the two roots (STEP TWO) you'll need to eat. Just remember to eat only the BEST foods. This takes the BEST foods off the planet and puts them into YOU. IF at all possible, buy up lots of terrible food and distribute it to the masses, weakening them for your eventual reign.

This is the only instrument allowed in Dark Powermagic Workout Music.

I have magicked 18 ghosts out of existence, and done psychic battle with mind-assassins from the CIA and MI-6. If you want to be able to do this, you have to make sure you're keeping up with your Choice Reps (STEP ONE) for at least a month. Don't make easy choices, make HARD ones. Taking the best hard choices out of the choice pool leaves only shitty choices for everyone else.

After a month of Black Mana, Choice Reps, healthy eating, and magic roots, you're ready for level TWO. So far, all you've been listening to is Dark Powermagic Workout Music.

It's all bell so that you get done faster. BUT, now that you're done, you have to save the GOOD MUSIC for special times. Why, you may ask?

Unlike choices, music does not "run out." There is no limited pool of music. By listening to BAD music, you're putting more awful darkness out into the world. But thanks to Dark Powermagic, you're able to resist the pull of bad music. So pump it into the world!

Now you have to join a Dark Powermagic Gym. This is where we meet. You have to stand on the right part of the sidewalk, you will know it by name. Then go through the door that appears when you chant the name.

- The rest of the Dark Powermagic Series is available for 199 payments of $199, paid once per Dark Eon.