The Only Authentic Music

FP JEROME writes all of his material on this computer.

Our editor apologizes for not being as slow as he usually is regarding the updating. The problem is that FP JEROME is now doing a bit of Stand Up Comedy (all caps, it's that important) and as such, has seen his creative juices flowing to the side.

One of his less amusing jokes involves a down-on-his-luck hipster explaining the facts of music to an uneducated country boy, played by Ryan Gosling (it's more of a theatrical thing). He could not afford Ryan Gosling, so instead he gets Gilbert Gottfried to impersonate him.

The Gilbert Gosling Gottfried hipster explains the few remaining sources of authentic music. There are many variations on this theme, but most of them are entirely unamusing, and therefore have been thrown away.

We river hobos have found them. We present:

The Only Remaining Authentic Forms of Music

Hobos yelling at trains.

Leonard Cohen blowing Tom Waits.

Taylor Swift.

Chronologically displaced jazz.

The sounds of sizzling fajitas, run through FruityLoops.

The moans of exploited minority laborers.

Old men sober.

Young white guys high on designer psychedelics.

Julie Andrews fitting the entirety of Thom York's body into her mouth.

Radio static. But, only college radio static.

Fingernail on a chalkboard, pitch shifted and given a beat.

Autotuned polygraph readouts from synesthetes smelling Austin BBQ.

Sacrifices to the ephemeral figments of chaos (except for the ones that they ran through Pro Tools, which is just pop-apocalyptic garbage)

Medical advice chanted by monks over the sounds of surgery.

Drunk white girls, flailing for attention.

Pictured: The Only Acceptable Medium for All These