Making Fun of Confederates

"I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH ONE TO BRING SO I BROUGHT ALL MY FLAGS!"

Was your day sad? Maybe you stepped into a weird alternate universe where it's still the year 1915 in the small hearts and minds of a few Mississippians?

I did.

There was a "rally" in support of the confederate flag on the steps of the Mississippi state capitol building today, July 6th, in the Earth Year 2015. Poorly attended, in the middle of the morning, but well funded. I may say something of substance about it later, as it got a bit disturbing, but honestly....

For now? Let's just make fun of these losers.

"Neoconfederate Vaper" is not a punk band, sadly enough.

For the most part, this was a sad gathering of unattended old men, with the weird air of a group of guys who had, somehow, gotten away with doing nothing in the middle of the day. I felt like I should tell their wives, that this would somehow get them into Big Trouble, and they would have to take their racism and go home.

"Hi honey. Yes, I'm wearing my nice shirt. Yes, I brought the little flag you made me. No, the Jew Media won't talk to me, either."


But there were some young and hateful faces. Oh, sure, they couldn't say anything out loud, it was too boring of an event for THAT, but still, we had a fresh brigade of Internet Fedora Patrol out and about (except that these were the god-loving kind. Everyone here loves Jesus) - I could practically smell the "ACTUALLY" on this guy, for instance.

"ACTUALLY MY MOM'S RIGHT HERE AND I'M NOT IN HER BASEMENT!"

"ACTUALLY IT'S HERITAGE NOT HATE," they whined. They whined and they whined and they whined. They whined about the future, they whined about the present, they whined about the past. The white dudes filled up the steps of the capitol building and declared, whining, quietly, politely, that they had not gotten a fair shake since the end of the Civil War.

This would be hilarious if they weren't so serious. This would be hilarious if bagpipes weren't playing a dirge. This would be hilarious, but they're just droning on about flags, flags, flags, and dead white guys who ruled America but - not anymore.

Could have fooled me, white guys. Could have fooled me. I ask what it's about. "We're being misrepresented. We're not the bad guys. It's the NAACP and racists that are trying to take down the flag. School books make us look bad."

It's not elementary school textbooks that are making you look bad, Cracker McHonkey.

Worst Duck Dynasty episode ever?

Everything they say is some carefully worded bullshit. Catchphrases and code. Boring. Ignorant. Juvenile. They know what they stand for, but they would never dare say it in the flesh. No, they'll leave that for the WLBT Facebook page.

At least they've got the moxy to show up in the flesh. This happened in front of the capitol building, so I got a chance to ask people who weren't there for the rally - political types in button up shirts and cell phones - what they thought.

Nobody white had an opinion. Couldn't care less. Literally said, time and time again, "I don't have an opinion."

You do, intern. It's just reprehensible. You're smart enough not to say it where it might get recorded. Your opinion of the public is so low that you think we'd be up in arms should we hear that you've updated your opinions to allow for 19th century tastes.

Black Mississippians, on the other hand, were a little more opinionated. And the news wanted to talk to them!

Big ups to this guy. If anyone had asked me what I thought (they didn't) I'd have laughed for 10 minutes straight and let loose a string of obscenities.

The news never wants to talk to me. They can spot a foul-mouthed misanthrope from a mile away, I suppose.

So even though this gaggle of cretins brought up a real live secessionist, the black-shirt fascist brigade, and were as organized and substantial as a bag of broth, they had more backbone than the people inside the building, which is saying jack all.

Pretty sure this guy's in an episode of The X Files.

And that's a damn shame. "Not having an opinion" is so useless in this situation that it's actively a political option. Is there an interesting debate to be had over the place of this flag in confederate memorials, museums, graveyards, battlegrounds?

Yes.

Should it be a part of the official flag of the State of Mississippi?

Fuck no.

If you have another opinion on this, please take it and shove it up your own ass. Please shout it into the wind like a screaming banshee on bagpipes who I am blocking on twitter, because you are wrong, you are not helping, and you have nothing to offer the modern world. Get back in your time machine and go into this bizarro world these wrinkled twits have created.

This is like an episode of Doctor Who where the Doctor never showed the racist fascist aliens the error of their ways, and now they're celebrating martial defeat and honor and BLOOD 150 years too late.

SO MANY FLAGS! And yet none you could have an ounce of pride in.

And now let's get on to the mewling insecurity that these quivering child-men display, the constant mortal fear that underlies their cowardly, pathetic existence.

This is the basis of their worldview. Fear. It consumes them. They are afraid that someone is going to take down their pretty little flag. They are arguing against that in a public space where there is a giant state-owned flag featuring their pretty little flag in a corner. If I were to try and take that flag down, I would go to jail. (I asked the security guard this)

If that cloth flag were not enough, there are quite literally STONE FLAGS carved into monuments of rock and metal, all of which they were parading in front of, acting like this fortified flag was in danger, and needed an army - a real army! to protect it.

Either they are the weakest people in existence, or they fight a mighty foe. Given the "no comment" hordes zipping politely and politically by, I think I know the answer to this one.

The Mississippi State Capitol: Renovating to join the 20th century.

I wanted to do some deep dig, some investigation, something more pertinent. But all I had was bored rage. Maybe later?

Until then, I leave you with this vision of a hopeful future. Two men seeing all this and wisely deciding - "Nope."