Yesterday notwithstanding, we rarely are able to cover "topical" events in the Newsflow. That's because we rely on the flow of garbage to come our way before we can cover it. Today is different. We've found the unused and discarded first page of Phil Bryant's inauguration speech. We hope it can shed some light on the subject.
Note: The prayers are gonna be really long. Don't drink anything all day, until the first prayer is over. You don't want dry mouth, Phil!
Also, don't do the "WACKY JOE BIDEN" voice.
Other notes: Only dog whistle racism. Try to appear human. Don't mention your skin condition. Don't mention that one tooth that's hollow that allows me to drain the cerebrospinal fluid from my victims.
My fellow Mississippians, as I today take this stage, I am reminded that I am the color and consistency of the skin atop a pot of cooling velveeta brand white cheese. I won't deign to call it by the Spanish name.
NOTE: Don't say "Queso blanco"
I am reminded of why you voted for me. Perhaps you felt you had no alternative, that you didn't want to vote for the alter ego of Jack Burton - the guy from Big Trouble in Little China? You all saw Big Trouble in Little China, didn't you? It's great. Some of the best one-liners in Hollywood. They're remaking that movie, with The Rock. Dwayne Johnson, I mean. Dwayne Johnson is "The Rock." I was more of a Stone Cold Steve Austin man, myself.
NOTE: SAY "DEMOCRAT," NOT THE OTHER WORD
But enough about one of the greatest movies of all time - and I don't mean Omega Man, because we're going to come back to Omega Man before my inaugural speech is over. Anyway, I was reminded of why you WERE voting for me, not why you weren't voting for "that democrat."
NOTE: DON'T MENTION THE TOOTH DON'T MENTION THE TOOTH
It's simple. It's heritage. People say it's not hate, it's heritage, and they ain't talkin' about Heritage, Mississippi, brother. (NOTE: Too 'urban?") But I say - hate IS our heritage. Hate got me elected here today. I wouldn't have my job or my church, I would not have written any of my books, without hate. You may see the fourth and fifth volumes of 21st Century Government – Digital Promise, Digital Reality and Leadership Secrets of Government Financial Officials, not that you can get them on Amazon or anything - and think "Phil must really LOVE government," but you'd be wrong. It's my love of hate that keeps me alive. That, the movie The Omega Man, where Charlton Heston is all oiled up and rolling around... oh, and my love of freshly drained... cerebro... uh, mayonnaise.
NOTE DON'T MENTION THE PLANTATION
My fellow Mississippians, I love mayonnaise! Oh, mayo, that sweet oily condiment, my one true love. May the state of Mississippi and my duties as governor never come between me and the freshly curled top of a jar of mayonnaise. I love mayonnaise, is what I'm saying. If Paula Deen made a butterball turkey out of pure mayonnaise in her restaurant, which has a great theme that I love, I'd carve quivering slabs of that creamy, slithering mass and spoon them into my withered, pale lips, smacking away at each oily dab as it melted across my cratered tongue. I could lovingly refrigerate it, allowing the mass to congeal to the proper density, slipping thick silver knives through the homogenized texture, a consistency like the finest pudding. If only I could subsist on nothing but mayonnaise, as Paula Deen promised. Then, there would be no need for teeth - inefficient teeth, pointless bones in your mouth, all save the one tooth. The special tooth. The killer. The drinker.
Now, on to Jesus.
NOTE: THIS WILL TAKE UP THE REST OF THE SPEECH. GO TO PAGE 2.