Confederate History Month is the ‘white history month’ that all your racist Facebook friends have always wanted, except instead of Isaac Newton, Louis Pasteur, John Snow, Jim Henson, and Richard Feynman, we celebrate a bunch of racist, warmongering assholes who wanted to be able to own other human beings.
We sat down with Phil Bryant,* who signed "Confederate History Month" as an officially recognized thing, to ask him about signing this piece of shit.
PRF: “So, Philly boy. Can I call you Philly boy?”
PRF: “Okay, Chill Bryant. Can I call you Chill Bryant?”
PB: “I’d rather you not.”
PRF: “Well, I’d rather you not stink the place up.”
PB: “It’s a real medical condition that causes me to stink. Most people have a pilonidal groove at the base of the tailbone, but I’ve got a pocket which collects…”
PRF: “Whoa, Shrill Bryant. Let’s move the discussion away from your anus and towards the State of the State. Mississippi is dead last in most metrics. Do you have any plans for handling this?”
PB: “Please don't call me that. With my education bills, we’re going to make sure that we’re first in teenage pregnancy and allowing our teachers to teach just any old bullshit instead of adhering to basic science, history, or social studies curricula.”
PRF: “When you go to the governor’s conferences do they make fun of you for being governor of Mississippi? Do you have to sit at the table with Bobby Jindal and whoever’s in charge of Puerto Rico? Do they call you names like ‘No-thrill Bryant?”
PB: “...yes. Yes they do. Greg Abbot, the Texas guy, he’s so cruel. He calls me ‘Dill Bryant’ and rubs my face in weird smelling food. Ever since they got to be the fattest state he’s had it out for me. Sometimes he makes Bobby Jindal pour hot sauce on my food since he’s the only governor that they let sit with me. My IBS can’t handle it, I had to hide in the bathroom for the entirety of Chris Christie’s speech on bridges last year because of that. They don’t like me at CPAC, either. In 2014 they made a fake speech and scheduled it on the fliers and I got ready and everything but when I showed up they had Gilbert Gottfried doing comedy in the nude instead. They laughed and laughed and then he rubbed his…”
PRF: “Are you… are you crying? Also, are there other names people call you? Does anyone call you Shill Bryant?”
PB: “I’m sorry, I just had some bad memories. I’d rather not talk about all the names they call me.”
PRF: “Speaking of bad memories, Swill Bryant, you just signed a proclamation declaring April to be ‘Loser Accomodation Month.’ Is this so that kids can get the hang of being insulted their entire lives for growing up in Mississippi?”
PB: “First of all, it’s ‘Confederate Heritage Month, secondly, my name is….”
PRF: “Oh, Anthill Bryant. You say ‘tomato,’ I say ‘loser ketchup fruit.”
PB: “Don’t… well… we’re studying the full range of Confederate heritage.”
PRF: “So, the fact that slavery was wrong, and that’s why the confederacy rebelled against the United States? Things like the ‘Twenty Slave Act,’ the reconstruction-era terrorism carried out by the losers of this campaign, that’s all gonna be in there? That’s cool, I’m totally not going to break out that ‘Downhill Bryant’ joke, because those epic failures of religion, culture, and politics should be the focus of any look at American history. I’m glad that Mississippi is going to focus on the generals and politicians in the south who lost the Civil War and yet, were allowed to remain in power. Focusing on the reconstruction reign of terror that revealed the racist character of America itself - that’s a brilliant history education, Phil. Think of it - the union could kill to keep the South a part of the nation, but not when it came time to keep whites from murdering blacks. Maybe I should change my opinion of your…”
PB: “It’s not like that. We’re talking about the good stuff, the stuff you can be proud of…”
PRF: “Shut the fuck up, Landfill Bryant! You’ve got to be shitting me! The ‘stuff you can be proud of’ portion of “Human Monster Pride Month” can’t be more than four minutes long when delivered by one of those mushmouthed drawls. Is Paula Deen in charge of the spoken word version of this travesty? Do we spell out each word? The only good part of the Civil War is the part where Lincoln freed the slaves, and you’re telling me that we’re going to act like it was all honorable generals and ‘My Dearest Sherry’ letters read out loud by Shelby fucking Foote while Ken Burns jerks off in the background?!”
PB: “I don’t have to take this sort of treatment! This isn’t the National Republican Governor’s convention where Scott Walker made me sing the theme song to ‘Walker, Texas Ranger”
PRF: “You’re damn right, Philly Cheesesteak. You don’t have to take this kind of treatment because you’re a human being and not an owned piece of property. Que up ‘Ashoken Farewell,’ sound man. We’re just about done here.”
PB: *crying* “You don’t have a sound man.”
PRF: “I’ll give you that, Phil Brony. So, seriously, there’s a chance here. We’ve got to tell people that the Confederacy didn’t lose the Civil War.”
PB: “I’d like to think we didn’t.”
PRF: “Don’t make me agree with you, Schlib Bryant. The mistake we make is that we think of the Civil War as a Napoleonic War, like what was going on in Europe at the time, or as some sort of semi-industrialized precursor to the trench warfare and machine guns of World War One, but it really has more in common with a modern guerrilla war. Southern states flat-out lost, handily defeated in open warfare. They withdrew from the field after being defeated by a superior foe.”
PB: “That’s the part we’re celebrating.”
PRF: “Goddamnit, Scrill Bryant. Shut up. So look at Mississippi and the rest of the post-Civil War south as Afghanistan. You’re basically governor of humid Afghanistan, anyway, ok? So these people lose the war, they wait for the occupying army to withdraw, and then they initiate a brutal campaign of racial violence. It would force the occupying army to return, but the nation has lost it’s will to commit more men to a war it can sort of claim to win, and the United States is racist enough that it didn’t really care about what was happening to black Americans and their allies in the South, no more than most of us are willing to send any of our young men to die over who wins in a Shia-Sunni showdown in Iraq. So your holiday really makes the Confederacy seem to be more olde-tyme losers, denying them their rightful place as innovators in the pantheon of racial hatred and terror.”
PB: “I don’t think my new holiday… No! Get off me! HELP! Security!”
PRF: “Fuck you, Krill Bryant!”
We do not anticipate any further interviews with political figures.
*not really. Honestly, if you think that we A: Have chairs and B: Would waste them on Phil Bryant’s ass, you should go read the rest of the site and chill.