An Open Letter to the Man I Punched in the Throat

I punch like this, basically.

I punch like this, basically.

Dear Man I Punched in the Throat;

I am genuinely sorry that I punched you in the throat while we were at that party. In my defense, you were not shielding your throat in any way. Most of my remaining friends take care to always position their forearms near their throat or their hands in a position where I might easily be blocked from striking them in their vulnerable and vital trachea. If you are interested, I can show you the names and contact information of several anti-throat-strike organizations and martial artists that specialize in teaching those of you with air passageways how not to have them punched by those of us who believe it is our given right to punch throats when we want.

Another thing that my remaining friends also encourage is clothing or "armor" that passively prevents me from striking you full-force with my knuckles. While wearing this armor at all times is not particularly practical, keep in mind that I do not hunt out victims to strike in the throat, I am not a monster that climbs in second story windows or lurks in bushes in order to punch people in the throat - I do so in public situations where it is known and understood (by myself and others like me) that throat-punches are likely. Therefore, before going to a party or social event, I suggest that you, in the words of Hals Strieks, son of of Hals Punsj, "armor up."

Additionally, I understand the unwritten but inviolable rules of Throat Punch Code. They are not written, exactly, but rather, understood by the august fraternity of throat punchers.  Spreading hummus over the entire Triscuit, with a small knife, is a violation of this code. One may, of course, simply dip the cracker into the hummus, or even use a pair of crackers in order to facilitate a more even dip distribution, but taking the small CHEESE KNIFE, which is for CHEESE, it's in the goddamn NAME, and using it to spread a DIP onto a CRACKER?! You're lucky everyone there didn't punch you in the throat.


Gola Sciopero

Dear Gola Sciopero;

The spreading of one's bean dips are not so contentious in my beloved Netherlands as they are in your native Italy, or, apparently, the Norwegia where your Hals are from.

Veldoon Spreiden

The Pearl River Flow staff only encourages throat strikes in self-defense situations. For those who enjoy fights, we remind you to always be certain that your fighting partner is willing to endure the depredations of the sweetest science - punch science.

We do not encourage the writing or publishing of open letters, despite the fact that we have published open letters in the past.