Pearl River Flow: Updates to Service

Pictured: The Info-Pipe-Tube-Net Branch that carries Pearl River Flow

Pictured: The Info-Pipe-Tube-Net Branch that carries Pearl River Flow

As with previous Pearl River Flow updates, we are once again striving to create the optimal experience. Therefore, the following changes have been made to the "service."

Vague feelings of dissatisfaction have been increased 8%, an increase below the threshold for a human being to notice it. That fact, in and of itself, is an example of this update.

Gallery "tasteful nudes" has been replaced with gallery "Abandoned Shoes." 

For those readers preferring the desktop experience, snapping turtles have been installed under your desks. To utilize this new feature, put your bare toes under your desk.

All interviewed wildlife is now part of our profit sharing agreement.

7% decrease in loading times for users who are picking up Pearl River Flow in woodcut form.

All bibles should now update properly to reflect the great portent of the website. If your bible is malfunctioning, please send it to us via the River.

All articles that caused Restless Leg Syndrome have been patched to cause Morgellon's Disease.

We no longer send out e-male, and have switched to the more functional, less obnoxious e-mail. If you wish to still receive the various massages our e-males provided, please give a young person the appropriate drugs.

The article that caused Death has been removed, as it will be published in the New York Times next week.

Fleas have been added to several of our offerings. You may begin to notice them at any time.

Users should no longer be unaware of their tongue inside their mouths, just sitting there, between their teeth, taking up space.

Spoiler alerts have been added to all articles that cause spontaneous spoilage of various meat, dairy, and cruciferous vegetables. If you have non-cruciferous vegetables that become spoiled after contact with Pearl River Flow, please contact us.

The "killing words" published throughout the website are now properly hidden.

100% increase in the number of fnords.

If you become aware of your blinking during the reading of this sentence or shortly thereafter, the update is working properly. This is not a bug, though that itch might be.

Snakes no longer hide under user keyboards. Any snakes in your home are now your own problem, not ours.

Nancy Reagan's ectoplasmic spirit-husk should no longer haunt the dreams of our readers.

We have eliminated the danger of paper cuts caused by reading the website. This will not help readers who print the articles out.

We've switched to fair-trade sarcasm. Really.

In a peyote-fueled idea share, sentences from Pearl River Flow will now appear randomly on bottles of Doctor Bronner's Brand soaps.

As always, we thank you for your time, and hope you enjoy our new updates. If you're confused by what you've read, we drew you a map.