Hipster Conan Reviews Life

 "Gather 'round, Hipster Hordes. This is a vintage fire."

"Gather 'round, Hipster Hordes. This is a vintage fire."

Inspired by a comedy carpool discussion with Daniel Palmer.


As the sun set on the hide tents, Genghis Lennon addressed his hipster horde.

"Dai Yei! Conan! Hipster Conan! We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?"

Dai Yei held out his tattooed forearms and slapped them together.

"Authentic open steppe, a free-range for your fleet horse, strong-willed falcons at your wrist, but not, you know... on a collar, because that's cruel, and oh yeah, the wind in your immaculately gelled hair."

"WRONG!" Lennon hissed, pointing a finger.

"Conan. What is best in life?"

"Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women." 

"Good," Genghis Lennon began. "That is good..." but then, Hipster Conan began.

"Well, actually, if you're talking about what is best in life because of market value, you know, money for the authenticity and quality of the experience, then what is best in life is the stew down at Madison's Cimmerian Charcuterie, they serve it in tiny bowls made out of bread and cheese, which are on rough-hewn segments of redwood tree cutting boards. They don't use forks or spoons, but everyone gets a spork and has to share a single table knife, so you don't eat it too fast, which is alright, because it's filling, but you know, it's not a lot - they make a bone broth gravy and this thick duck fat aioli from an old Argos recipe, they put it on the bowl-bread. You should get the single-source pour-over coffee, it's from Zingara, they serve it in old alchemical flasks from the den of demonologists that they tore down to build the charcuterie, it's got a lot of caffeine, so take it slow. Oh, and what is best there - so it's definitely what is best in life, all together, is this dessert craft cocktail they serve in a bronze baby shoe. It's a liquefied bacon-fat brownie made out of expired cocoa puff cereal and bonemeal, covered in local corn liquor that's aged in barrels made from the wood from an old tannery. Each piece costs 17 coins, sure, but after you've had the soup, you're probably full, and kinda tired, because you have to sit on old sailing ship chairs they bolt to the top of bar stool bases, and instead of tables it's old shields that they let you write on while you eat..."

A sword cut off his head at that point.

"That is good, Conan."