Jackson Makes Bid for Amazon HQ2


As cities around America compete in a brutal battle to the bottom of the barrel to best debase themselves for Amazon’s second headquarters, we at Pearl River Flow have gone digging through the trash to find Jackson’s offer.

Of course, we found it.*

These are some of the notes, as we could not publish the full document, due to legal reasons**

Jackson MS Bid for Amazon "HQ2"

1: Amazon will be given 50 million dollars in blighted downtown and midtown properties to develop as they see fit. Jackson would have offered the full 100 million dollar property bribe like the city of Chula Vista, California, but since this is technically “illegal” under Mississippi law, we have had to lower the number and claim that our lawyers are “on vacation.”

2: Income taxes paid by city employees will instead be given to Amazon. This is a slight improvement over what the city of Chicago has offered, where only 1.3 billion dollars of these income taxes will be taken from employee paychecks and given to their bosses.

3: Complete control over city finances in the “Amazon Fund,” allowing Amazon to claim Jackson’s city employees as their own, since we are informed by a reliable source that Amazon has absolutely no access to highly paid professionals. This is a step up from what Fresno and Boston have offered.

4: Access to and control over the blood and plasma banks at UMMC/Mississippi Blood Services. We feel that since these are donated goods sold at exhorbitantly inflated fees by patients who have no choice but to accept these costs or die, this represents no real ethical problem over the current model.

5: The right to renovate any Jackson high school or college football team into a gladiatorial sports system, with the profits from such going to Amazon. We feel this is slightly more ethical than the NCAA system.

6: Jeff Bezos will retain the right to hunt and kill Elon Musk or Peter Thiel if they come to Jackson.

7: Replacing most of West Jackson with a golf course (private) and instituting the annual “Most Dangerous” games.

While Amazon was supposedly going to keep the results secret until the announcement, a thrown-away legal document in the governor’s secret fishing camp on the Pearl revealed that Amazon was prepared to take Jackson up on the bid, which was virtually identical to numerous other city bids, except for the “enticing nature of point #6"

However, they requested that 50% of the tax windfalls not controlled by Amazon be put into public schools, the flag “change,” and the city be renamed after “someone less genocidal,” at which point Governor Bryant terminated the negotiations.

*Fabricated it from thin air

**It does not exist.