Mississippi Legislative Adventures, Part 2

 Without Dick Billington, the capitol decended into a fog of madness.

Without Dick Billington, the capitol decended into a fog of madness.

Dick Billington leaned back in his leather chair at the Mississippi capitol building and looked back at all he’d accomplished that past year. Inventing and patenting a new type of package-framing dress slacks. Hunting, killing and eating a less successful congressman. Filming Philip Gunn as he licked his own reading glasses clean and providing the video to speciality pornography outlets. Forcing every state congressman to go to Supercuts. Mandating the stick-of-butter bridle for all state political spokesmen.

He drained his fifteen hundred dollar glass of scotch and smelled peat that had been smoked when his great grandfather was pushing men into the peat ovens to give the whiskey the right flavor.

Dick was happy. Thanks to his work, he knew that the cocks were safe in the state of Mississippi and the real work could begin.

The toadies were outside his door, waiting to grovel, hissing at one another, brushing their tongues to prepare to lick the fine loafers of Dick Billington. His door opened. The light took on a golden air, the marble floor that was in his shadow suddenly became far more pristine than any refurbishing could provide.

Phil Bryant shoved his way to the front of the line. They hadn’t seen Dick in hours, and they all had grown to hunger for his attentions.

“I am leaving Mississippi.” Dick Billington said. He stood to his full height even as Representative Bubba Carpenter (R-Burnsville) threw himself from the nearest window, so distraught he was at the news.

“No!” Phil Bryant said, agast. “No, you can’t!”

Gasps went up in the crowd. None had dared speak against the invincible might of Dick Billington since the day his divine stride had taken him to the podium on the backs of obsequent pages dressed like old men at a Masonic meeting.

Dick took Phil’s face in his massive, bronzed hand. “What did you say, Philly boy?” Phil trembled, eyes closed, tears streaming down his face.

“He told you no!” Dan Eubanks (R-Nesbit) shrieked, tearing at his clothes in lamentation. “Traitor! Liar! Idolator!” The others screamed and cried.

“Tell him what the children call him.” Dick Billington said as Phil began to age in front of their faces, his skin desiccating like a bad special effect. "My god, you reek."

"It’s a real medical condition that causes me to stink. Most people have a pilonidal groove at the base of the tailbone, but I’ve got a pocket which collects sweat and feces and skin oils and..."

"SILENCE, FILTHY FOOL!" Dick Billington shouted and spat in his rapidly wrinkling face.

“Chill Bryant!” Andy Gipson (R-Braxton) shouted, gleeful to be first to interrupt the speech about the stench of Phil Bryant.

“Shrill Bryant!” Terry Burton (R-Newton) squealed.

“No-thrill Bryant!” Randy P. Boyd (R-Itawamba) said.

“That joke displeases me. It isn’t illustrative enough of our governor’s many failings. And it’s too contrived.” Dick said to Randy. “Go and write me a law. Make it about something I like.”

“Anything, sir!” Randy shouted, running and crying.

“Dill Bryant!” from Philip Gunn (R-Clinton).

“Shill Bryant!” from Philip Moran (R-Hancock).

“Swill Bryant!” from Ken Morgan (R-Morgantown).

“Anthill Bryant!” from W. Briggs Hopson the III (R-Issaquena)

“Downhill Bryant!” from Videt Carmichael (R-Meridian)

“Landfill Bryant!” from Joey Fillingane (R-Sumrall)

“Philly Cheesesteak!” America "Chuck" Middleton (D-Port Gibson) said.

“America?! You’re a goddamn Democrat.” Dick Billington said. “I thought we locked all of you in the snack room and told you that we ‘weren’t doing the legislature this year,’ and you believed it. Also, I can’t fucking believe that your name is ‘America.’ That’s so goddamn masculine that you had to take the nickname “Chuck.”

“Yes sir it is pretty impressive. Anyway, you told me to find that underground bunker that Jay Hughes broadcasts from.” America said.

“Well then get to it and stop breaking the format of the joke! If I let a guy named America make a last name joke, then all these other mindless sycophants are going to want to…”

“Phil Brony!” Tate Reeves pathetically offered off script.

“Goddamnit. Throw him into the snake pit.” Dick Billington said. “This was why I am leaving Mississippi - despite the glee with which you all scamper to lick the boots of the superior man or intrude upon the pathetic lives of your wretched citizens or do such despicable evil as taxing their very groceries, you’re all incompetent wrecks of human beings.”

The mindless followers seized Tate Reeves and began carrying him to the snake pit, making all the cruel tater-tot jokes their childish minds could excrete into existence.

“But… I wrote you a law that outlaws snakes because they look like penises!” Randy P. Boyd (R-Itawamba) cried, coming out of his office.

“S… Scrill Bryant..” from Bill Pigott (R-Tylertown)

Dick Billington dropped Phil Bryant’s mummified body to the ground. “He’ll live. Give him control of the state as a reward for surviving without a soul.”

He strode toward the doors and opened them, a bright and glorious future awaiting him.

“Dick Billington is going to Washington.”


And with that, he left their lives in shambles, as they huddled in the darkest corners of the capitol building, wondering what to do.

“Oh snap, Krill Bryant!” Dan Eubanks (R-DeSoto) finally said, tears streaming down his face.

But the joy was gone. The things they had done under his influence would doom the state for decades to come, if anyone could tell.

America was next.


Coming next: Dick Billington goes to Washington! US Legislative Adventures Begin! Watch as he single-handedly returns the nation’s capitol from a cesspit of moloch-worshipping kleptocracy into, well… something else.