Updates to Service

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Updates to Service: February 2017

Due to a recent deceleration in the passage of time, all Pearl River Flow related temporal anomalies have been adjusted. If a week continues to feel like a year, blame whitehouse.gov, not us.

Reading GALGERAN will no longer result in spontaneous rifts in the spatial systems you are accustomed to. Please note that this does not affect the rituals used to summon GALGERAN, nor any of the usual 4-23rd dimensional artifacts regular reading can expose.

Cracks in the skin created by certain hidden images on the website should now bleed properly instead of with black ooze.

Demodex eyelash mites are now available to all readers of the website. If you believe you do not have eyelash mites eating your secreted oils, please contact your  nearest microbiologist.

The probability that things brushing against your hand are spiders has been increased by 25%. This should result in more consistent spider encounters.

The color blue is now rendering properly. Any issues that remain should be referred to your nearest graphic designer.

Robert Anton Wilson is now properly dead. Readers to the website may have encountered R.A.W. in the wild and been confused.

Digital photography artifacts may be visible in sunsets over west Jackson until they can be fixed in a new update. If you see dead pixels in the sky, please do not panic. Our attempted solution resulted in the release of [REDACTED] and reality had to be rolled back to an earlier version.

Several facts that you once were able to easily recall have now been given a lower priority in your memory queue. This should result in improved performance and more hours of sleep.

The damage that resulted from reading the recipes and some of the fiction were too great to make encountering them “fun.” Rather than reduce the damage or increase your mental fortitude, which would have been unfair to the Illuminati, we have deleted these pages from the website and your memory.

Several readers were able to recall the names and faces of the Faceless. This has been rectified.

Due to several performance-enhancing modifications to the Fondren area, you will notice several NPCs that exhibit strange AI behavior and appear to “phase” through walls. If you encounter this bug, please close your eyes and wait until a moderator can reset your interface.

A previous patch had resulted in ALL of the small animals under your desk being snapping turtles. Now, rats, snakes, and large insects can all potentially be running across your toes as you read. Note that this should only affect desktop users. Those reading on mobile devices will still only encounter ants on the back of their devices, running across the tips of their fingers, until a solution is found to properly spawn spiders and wasps in those locations.

Those readers who have signed up for our mailing list should now experience 133% more joy and sexual pleasure. An earlier patch had resulted in 666% increases, but that resulted in spontaneous human combustion in the majority of reported cases.

Overwatch teams should continue to never contain the right mix of roles and heroes. This is intended, and should be more pronounced on QuickPlay matches. If you experience satisfactory Overwatch team composition on the PC, please contact us immediately.

Light sources should now properly protect readers from the Lurking Dark. If you experience total reality failure while in the light, please submit an infinite error report. 

Thanks for reading Pearl River Flow and following us on twitter and Facebook. If you don’t, you should, because only those pages and our PODCAST can protect you from TOTAL REALITY BREAKDOWN!