In Ireland, St. Patrick is known for... something, I'm sure. We here at Pearl River Flow are only somewhat certain that Ireland exists. It seems likely.
In America, St. Patrick is known for having a hellaciuos day where once a year, people live out weird technicolor versions of things that may or may not be Irish stereotypes. Again, there is a high amount of uncertainty surrounding the day and the history and lore.
What most people do not know about, however, is St. Patrick Jerome's Day, celebrated only in Jackson, Mississippi. It is a celebration of the local hero Patrick Jerome, who, upon arrival in Jackson in the Year 2000, after vanquishing the 32-story Y2K "Bug" that was eating trains in Pickens, took it upon himself to drive out the murderous and terrifying 'Cray-men' that crawled in the sprawling underground tunnels and outlying swamp of Jackson.
The Cray-men - a sort of evolved crawdad, about four to six feet in length, with vaguely humanoid faces and a series of small fingered hands running down their torsos, in addition to their massive claws - were created when GALGERAN [REDACTED] in 1881.
And since that day, they demanded tribute. Terrorizing Jackson, they snatched children and pets, drunks and the sick, from the swamps and the city alike. Cunning and stealthy and able to breathe water, they were considered such a nuisance that, during Prohibition, local bootleggers offered a bounty for their head - a gallon of moonshine - a the infamous "Gold Coast" was particularly beset by them.
Patrick (not yet a Saint) was not fond of the creatures, they had a strange cultish religion that was attempting to use Cray-magic to brainwash local leaders into building a large lake abutting the city, into which they would build their underwater city and become unstoppable.
And so, he set to drive them out. With GALGERAN-given talents, he began the crusade that introduced him to the swamps and trash alleys of the city, the dalliances in graveyards and ruins that would one day become the backbone of the mighty media empire that is Pearl River Flow.
We have only a brief snippet of that battle from that long-forgotten epoch, contained in something known as an "American Online," which we must assume was a sort of telegraph-based service sending individuals to your home to "cyberchat."
March 17th 2000. AMERICA ONLINE
CrayCraw94: You'll never stop us all. We have assumed control of your leaders.
PATRIX_Y2OK: You're not from my X-Files chat room.
CrayCraw94: Duchovny is overrated. Anderson can't act. We have tunneled underneath every major gas main in the city and will destroy you all if you attempt to move against us.
PATRIX_Y2OK: I just screenshotted that and sent a picture to the Mississippi David Duchovny fan club president.
CrayCraw94: IS THAT WHO IS IMing ME NOW?
PATRIX_Y2OK: LOL! Also I speak mole thanks to GALGERAN. They've constructed a tunnel from your spawning grounds into the Ross Barnett reservoir. You want a lake, go suck on that one.
CrayCraw94: But it's too racist there! The Ghosts of Ross Barnett haunt it still! It cries out for release! We can't handle his boiling hatred!
PATRIX_Y2OK: It's your new home now! You better hope someone creates an internet page or news channel thing where those ghostly ideologies can flow freely, or you'll be haunted by racist ghosts for as long as you live.
CrayCraw94: You haven't heard the last of us. We've planted our champion's eggs in the walls of your water pipes! In the years to come he will hatch forth and ruin your infrastructure, there will be no stopping the crawdad kaiju!
PATRIX_Y2OK HAS LEFT THE CHAT
REDHEADFBIGIRL HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
REDHEADSKULLY HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
XxSKULLIxX HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
MOLDLYANDSCUZZ1 HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
DDOVECHOVE92 HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
AGENTSCULLYONLINE HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
DAV_ID_DO_CALL_ME HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
KILL1AN_ANDERS0n HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
THE_REAL_DAVID_DUCHOVNY HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
THE_REAL_DAVID_DUCHOVNY: Hey, REDHEADFBIGIRL is that name Red head F Big IRL or Red head F Bi Girl?
While reports of depravity and the predations of the Cray-Men increased along the reservoir after the year 2000, we still, to this day, celebrate St. Patrick's victory every March 17th, with a massive parade held in Jackson each year, traversing many of the routes St. Patrick would use in his future Pearl River Flow project.
Pearl River Flow historian FPJEROME