Satan Disavows Church of Satan

 How we found the missive

How we found the missive

Sometimes, we find these notes on the shores of the river and share them with you.


BREAKING NEWS:

Hell Dimensions, Throne of Betrayal

TODAY Satan, Lord of Darkness, has disavowed any and all connections to the “Church of Satan,” and the “Temple of Satan” organizations, claiming “they’re just a bunch of decent human beings.”

In a press release sent on a wave of nausea and embossed in gold, arriving in every statehouse, mansion, and media organization across the Earth simultaneously this morning, Satan had this to say:


“Do not let it be said that we in The Pit appreciate do not appreciate the attention these groups have given to us Dark Denizens. Do not let it be said that we do not appreciate their denial of God. Do let it be spoken to all the principalities of the Earth that we can no longer in good conscience allow the Satan brand to be affiliated with their message of bodily autonomy, personal freedom, and the abolishment of corporal punishment.

Satan and his Devils must break with any who believe that humans have the right to worship in any way other than that which we see fit - our recommended dark devotions to pain, and the denial of joy. We in Hell believe that it is the duty of all who take Satan seriously to defend and propagate the time-honored tradition of corporal punishment, the same punishments we use in Hell, and see fit to use on all human beings of any age.


These fraudulently demonic organizations appear to be comprised entirely of reasonable, decent people, people who are law-abiding and thoughtful and do NOT represent our values."

  • Satan


 

There is no word yet on if Satan will file a lawsuit. Several dozen of the devil’s best advocates have been seen in courthouses and law firms in recent days, however, leading many to believe that these groups may be sued into changing their names.


Lucifer is currently in talks with the Southern Baptist Church about what they will be disapproving of this year, though some insiders indicate that he is courting them as potential replacement worshippers for the 2018-2020 Hell Cycles.


PEARL RIVER FLOW NEWS WIRE, 8/15/2017