The Pearl River Flow eclipse watching guide:
We’re here to tell you how best to enjoy this natural phenomenon.
The world will end for many people on September 21st, 2017. Try not to be one of them. If you die on Eclipse Day, you die In Real Life.
Marriages performed during the eclipse do not count on the moon, allowing you to also, in the future, chose a Moon Bride or Groom. This must be done before the next eclipse.
Disregard the “Genius” bar employees claiming that the eclipse is a “cosmic error message.” DO NOT ASSIST THEM IN “REBOOTING THE SIMULATION.”
Virgins are sacrificed during a LUNAR eclipse. For a SOLAR eclipse, please sacrifice someone who has slain an enemy in battle. If you get this backwards, you will die during sex.
You will cast two shadows during parts of the eclipse. One of those shadows must be slain before the sun returns to normal. A blade of pure obsidian is your best bet.
If you do not have eclipse glasses and are unable to make a pinhole camera, you can look at the eclipse’s reflection in a body of water. Doing this can potentially drop you into the Mirror World, so carrying a double sided mirror is important if you wish to escape.
Any blood donated during the eclipse is sold directly to vampires. Be wary of any spontaneous blood donation locations that seem “off” or very poorly lit.
Werewolves are wolf-weres for the duration of the eclipse. These ill behaved dogs are not a danger per se, but will go through your trash and demand whiskey.
The urge will at times become seemingly impossible to overcome, but you must not play any Vangelis songs during the height of the eclipse. Doing so will result in [REDACTED]
Bring one of your favorite childhood toys with you. If it comes to life, write your greatest regret on a scrap of moleskin (imitation moleskin will suffice) and place the paper into the mouth or other crevasse of the toy. Before the toy returns to it’s inert state, burn it. This will erase your greatest regret, though it may earn you a new one.
If you drink during the eclipse, be aware that you will still get drunk.
Any child conceived during the eclipse will have terrible powers, and become an orphan, so beware.
You may find yourself able to commune with nature during the eclipse. Be warned, by someone with experience in the matter, that nature lies and is not, as traditionally understood, indifferent. No. She is out for blood.
Any fiddle players, lute strummers, pan flute blowers, or harp pluckers you encounter should be avoided at all costs.
Do not engage in any riddle contests during the eclipse. This is a general rule that is especially true here.
If you have any additional questions, consult your local wizard, GALGERAN.