Those Who Stay

Some people just like racist ass reservoirs

Some people just like racist ass reservoirs

Lately, many news organizations have been concentrating on those Mississippians who have chosen to leave the state - the “brain drain” that steals all of our best minds and hearts and leaves well, big Pearl River Flow fans.

Who, we asked, stays?

We found out.

“I washed up on this here creek bed 25 years ago and I ain’t lettin’ no crybaby liberal snowflake tell me I shouldn’t be here all night in no floods!” 

Igby Swurlinswood - Chunky

“Once I discovered that I could just wrap myself in an old trash bag most days and recreate an expensive sauna, why would I go anywhere else?” 

Naberville Langsroud - Yazoo City

“I appreciate a sales tax holiday on guns. Also on bulk rock salt, but ever since Alabama canceled Summer Saltabration, I’m a Mississippian.”

Quavard Gulchilk - Mantee

“The boll weevil eradication plan is my life’s work. Ever since boll weevils killed my family back in Mexico, I’ve been hunting them, and it’s led me here.”

Jerehardt Plunkugett - Okolona

“Good solid conservative values, stable, unchanging Republican leadership - it’s what’s brought this state a hundred years of amazing success for people like me, who are actual billionares.”

Abelswad Wadsworth the VII (unknown bunker location)


Hambone Tulliver - Vaiden

“I appreciate the variety of racist statues. It’s about heritage AND hate. A lot of people don’t get that, they think it’s one or the other, but we can compromise, you know? It’s a heritage OF hate, not some vintage hipster bullshit.”

Daryl Zyligerizer - Utica

“Pearl River Flow, mainly. I don’t read it, but I like to be close to it.”

Edumundo Xylitol - Flowood