Weekly Horrorscope

We may have given our resident occultist, GALGERAN, a misspelled missive. We asked for inacccurate horoscopes. GALGERAN gave us uncannily prescient horrorscopes.


The augur

The augur

The   Horrorscopes


21 March – 20 April

The knocking at the door is not, in fact, at your door. When you hear it, do not open your door. It is not your door at all. It is not a door. What is outside is heavy and immobile. It echoes, a deep astral resonance against your personal psychic space that sounds like knocking. The Door that is Not a Door is locked. There is no God to open a window. That is the good news, given what is outside the window.


21 April – 21 May

Your sign is that of The Bull. This is fitting. The red eyes will stand out in the darkness, twin beacons in the night. Do not be misled by them, for they are not how The Bull sees, and the real danger lies in his onyx horns, invisible in the darkness. The darkness is a real, physical darkness, as well as a personal darkness that you can overcome only by avoiding the disemboweling horn of The Bull as it charges into your life and your bedroom.


22 May – 21 June

Due to a mistake in an astronomical reading over three thousand years ago, yesterday’s advice “everything should be fine in making a deal with the feathered serpent at the shore of the glade” was horribly misleading. If you still live, seek the serpent out and attempt to douse it in the glade. Speak what it says as it dies backwards to your reflection in the water. Carry a blade of pure obsidian with you, for if you fail, it will be your only hope to avoid a fate worse than death.

However, if you undertook the deal as a metaphor, please do not seek out the serpent.


22 June – 22 July

Your doll collection (if you do not collect dolls, think of this as your astral doll collection) has grown by one since our last reading. You did not purchase or trade for this doll. When you hear the scratching at 3 AM, take the initiative. Do not be passive and wait. Do not think of your childhood, because that is where the doll comes from.


23 July – 22 August

Today you will want to watch an old snooker tape. It is online in the Akashic Records, and a mundane experience at 3 AM is the key to accessing this astral library. However, it is vital that you do not watch the tape. The man playing snooker will be you, and the faceless entity watching that tape will forever wear your skin to wander the Earth.


23 August – 23 September

Keep in mind the sound of mosquitoes. This will keep you humble and remind you of what they should sound like as hints of static and digital derangement seep in. Your lucky numbers, 10, 13, 23, are the key to decoding their messages. They seek more than just your blood. They want to know what you were doing at the Red Lobster. The shrimp, you see, are not Endless. They are related. They communicate to their winged queens. Their numbers may be finite, but their anguish was not. Pain will be their message to you.


24 September – 23 October

You will have a vague feeling of unease today. That is because you are navigating the psychic prison of Zal-Toth, the Dark Beyond. As you wander in a daze through your daily routine, keep in mind that your astral form is trapped in his hell dimension, at the end of which are two guardians, one of life, and one of death. Both are treacherous and offer many promises, both would prefer that you not escape, though they lack the power to hold you there.


24 October – 22 November

The scorpion sign will seem far more apt than you would normally think when you take the time to dream about what is under your desk and under your bed. Do not fear their sting, it is pure painful information, a malignancy that is shared in the dark heart of the cosmos, and as the Gift grows inside you, a sense of positivity and wellness will mask your inward decay. Make use of that mask by moving to a job in customer service or public relations!


23 November – 21 December

When the Babylonians began to decipher the astronomical signs 2,500 years ago, they foresaw the cosmic, astral import of this day for all of you born under this sign. For them, it was known as “The Black Harvest,” and while many ancients claim this was a prophecy of the coming of Cyrus the Great, we know that all your efforts and hard work will today come to fruition, to be harvested by the Men in Shadow, the Time Thieves, who will profit immensely from it, leaving you with the trod chaff of your life. Quick thinking and desperation may drive you to offer them that which you hold dear, and the memories of your time as a human being, before they drained your humanity from you. They will take you up on this offer for a portion of that which you have created.


22 December – 20 January

Capricorn, today is about family. Not yours, of course, but the family of hard working astral parasites that has lodged itself in your soul. They are innumerable now, ready to burst from your psychic form and infest everything your mind holds dear. Their hatchings have been known to herald World Wars and Bush family births, so it is vital that you go through the day caring for nothing, feeling nothing, and experiencing no joy. Do not be present or attentive. This should not be hard for you, as the Maggots of the Outer Dark have already eaten these things from your heart. Tomorrow, though - live a little!


21 January – 19 February

The thing that stalks you in the form of a man is, unfortunately, not a man at all. The good news is that it derives it’s power from the mask that it must take off at 3 AM. During that hour, it is vulnerable to a strong banishing ritual. However, you must be careful not to touch the mask, and certainly do not put it on. You will want to put on that mask, but you must deny yourself the indescribable joy of eternal certainty of purpose.


20 February – 20 March

Prepare to have some lingering questions and mental blockages addressed, Pisces! Questions like “what’s up with all these crows, and why are they watching me sleep?” Mental blockages, like the memory of the string of feathers you carelessly tossed into the bonfire under a full moon. I recommend that you keep an eye on the beady, golden eyes of the crows, so that you know what watches you as you sleep - but also, keep an eye on your own eyes, because the crows wish to see what you see by eating them.