Rejected Band Practice Absence Excuses

Excuse: My equipment has been rotting in the wilderness for years.

Many of our few fans are local musicians here at Pearl River Flow. So, we've compiled some good excuses for you to use when explaining to your bandmates that you cannot come to practice today. 

"Someone stole all of my gear." Be sure to, tomorrow, have the imaginary thief return your stuff with an inspirational post it note that could be included on the first page of Upworthy.

"I am a character in a television show and therefore lack all known problem solving skills." Anyone who has ever seen a TV show will feel empathy for your absolute inability to solve even the most basic of problems.

"The economy." The economy is terrible, so there's that.

"Ronald Reagan." - He may not still be alive, but as a mid-level lich, he is always an excellent excuse for hungover guitarists. If you have to inform your bass player or drummer about Ronald Regan, feel free to watch the instructive documentary "The Boondocks." Just the first season, though.

"I was abducted by aliens." More Americans believe in UFOs than evolution, so this shouldn't be too hard. Since common signals for alien abduction include "having your clothes on inside-out," "blacking out," and "lost memory," 95% of band members and about 90% of the population should have good "evidence" for being abducted by aliens.

"Time is just an illusion." While there may be a pile of physics and philosophy behind this statement, it's all rather dubious, so it's best used on bandmates who have only a small amount of physics or philosophy training, because it's an illusion we all agreed on, Greg!

"I was playing video games!" Wait, the point is to make up an excuse that makes you less culpable, but if you want to just go ahead and tell them the truth, that's fine too.

"I am a vampire and cannot go out during the day." May be useful for forcing your bandmates to relocate practice till evening, or be run through with a wooden stake when you do show up.

Excuse: "I was locked into a small cage in the woods." Only works if you can fit in said cage.

"I was mowing the lawn." Stop it. Just stop it. You were not mowing the lawn. Also, if you were, don't do that. BURNINATE it.

"I'm not in a band." May I suggest a different article?

"I'm allergic to orange juice." This is going to require some long-term dedication.

"I spent all day reading Pearl River Flow." No, you didn't. Average page view time is 20 seconds, so if you're here all day, you either actually read everything, which is highly unlikely, or you read 4320 articles, and there's not that many.