It was the Age of Fire and Steel, after the Pale Men had wiped out the Ancients. The poor men and women of Jackson struggled against life and death. Nature was a wild, untamed force, and those few huddled together had but one gift against the might of the river and the decay of the swamp: GALGERAN.

GALGERAN! Even today, his name has power. In these Enlightened Days, the young do not learn of GALGERAN in school, even those who can walk to his tomb on any sunny afternoon.

But is it a tomb? There is no date, no name save GALGERAN, no indication that he was ever alive, or dead, and truth be told, there are those who claim that GALGERAN did not die that day, that he lives still, waiting until he's needed to help the people of Jackson. To once again use his talents for God's glory and the good of man.

"It's just a legend." John P. Oldham was President of the Select Men, first amongst those who ruled over Jackson, Mississippi. The Council of Select Men sat under their seal, the seal of the eye and the compass, the instruments through which they had surveyed the land and found the bluffs that offered some mote of protection from the mighty Pearl. 

GALGERAN unfurled the scroll across their oil-lit study. The smell of whale-oil in the air was thick, the walls darkened by the constant illumination.

"We both know that there are still a few legends left, Oldham. After all, without the legends, we could not have created this machine, this City on a Bluff. But our machine needs power to work."

"Ox carts? What about windmills? Or wheels on the creeks? Is that not enough?" The Select Men shouted.

"Our cohort Watt, in England, has a new engine, that I believe should..." Oldham stammered to a halt as GALGERAN looked each of them in their eyes in turn, and saw that they did not believe themselves.

"Do you mean the new fuel? The black oil? The liquid coal?" James Boyd asked. Boyd was new to the Select Men, his ideas were dangerous to their ways, but GALGERAN defended him.

"No. The fuel underneath these bluffs cannot be reached with any variation on Newcomen's atmospheric engine. It cannot be reached with anything we possess. It is for future generations." Oldham said. It was known.

"Those who will live through a nightmare of oil and smoke." GALGERAN spoke quietly, returning the attention to himself.

"This is not the power of horses or steel. This is a different sort of power. I need two men, hale and hearty, to accompany me to the spots indicated on these scrolls. We will harness the power this infernal machine requires. Jackson will rise."

"Take Daniel and David with you. They are unique men, capable of what your... journey requires." Boyd said.

There was a solemn moment. Where GALGERAN would go, few could follow, and fewer still could return.

"If I do not return," GALGERAN began, and his words were like a shock to the Select Men. They had seen GALGERAN through the banishing of the Poking Men, through the Racoon Wars, through the Burning Days and the Swamp Ape Horde. Each and every time, he had triumphed over impossibility.

"If I do not return, then erect a marker in Greenville Cemetery, facing the rising sun. It will form the top of a great pyramid. Two more markers must be placed to the East, and inside that protective geometry, the machine will be powered, and my return may be foretold."

"You ask us to build a grave?" Oldham asked, astonished.

"No. Something else. Engrave my sigil, the O and the G." GALGERAN said. "And as always, I use my talents for God's glory..."

"...and the good of man." The Select Men responded, finishing their solemn intonation, the one passed down by the Perpetual Curate of Repton.

There was a great and powerful quiet as Daniel and David came from the wings to stand by GALGERAN.

[Three Years Later]

Since that day in the Select Men's Chambers, Boyd had known that the Age of Fire and Steel was coming to an end. The world was hurtling toward the Nightmare of Oil and Smoke that GALGERAN had foretold. So when the servant came running to him in the dead of night with two long-haired men in buckskins and oiled leathers waiting in the doorway, he knew their time would soon be over.

"David! Daniel! Where is GALGERAN?!" He shouted, leaping out of bed in his nightgown, fumbling for the lantern.

In the light, the two men were haggard, grey. They had been young, full of vigor, when they had left the chamber that day. Deep creases and frayed beards framed haunted eyes. They seemed as if they had come from far away - and as though they still were far away, distant.

"Fetch some whiskey for Misters Crockett and Boone!" Boyd shouted, leading the two men to his study. There, they sat drinking while Boyd began to ask them questions.

"GALGERAN?" Was his first, but all the two could do was shake their heads.


"No. Not dead. But gone. Lost." David said. Daniel pursed his lips, revealing missing teeth from a once-perfect smile.

"You were only gone three years, but yet..." Boyd hated to bring up their condition.

"We were gone for far longer than that!" Daniel shouted, a frightened look in his eyes. David shook his head slowly as the haggard man continued.

"But we were gone no time at all, it seemed. As though it were yesterday."

"If time is a river, then it must meander." Boyd said quietly. It was a saying of the Select Men.

The three were drinking heavily. Boyd brought out another bottle of whiskey.

"How far?" Boyd asked, sliding them a map of the United States.

Daniel pushed it away. "We made it to the river. To the swamp."

"The Amazon? The Mississippi?" Boyd asked, incredulous as the two exchanged crazed looks.

"The Pearl."

"It's not two miles away!" Boyd shouted. "What manner of joke is this?"

"We crossed over into the swamp to get on a steamboat, and then we were... lost. The woods were far deeper than we had ever known, the city of Jackson was gone, gone forever, and then it would be back... but strange, something we couldn't touch, intangible, and other days madmen would wander the woods as though they could hear us and see us, but when we tried to talk they ran screaming."

Boyd drank. The two were broken. Legends and histories would have to be concocted. They had come undone.

"Did you get it?" He asked, finally.

"Yes." David said, looking down into the glass. "It was supposed to be so far away."

"That swamp was many places, Crockett. That swamp was many times. I told you, I told you. It was just an afternoon, but look at us! Think about how many days had passed!"

"Take it. Take it." Daniel shouted, throwing the object at Boyd's feet. It was heavy, metallic, wrapped in a tattered oiled cloth. "GALGERAN said to guard it. That your home was the second point in his equilateral machine."

"You know you've been compromised. Infected by the Flow. The Select Men will not let you spread your madness." Boyd said, closing his eyes as the hammers of the rifles behind the bookcase were clicked into place.

Everything was smoke and light for an instant, then the two were dead on the floor. Boyd hung his head. Daniel Boone was whispering to him, blood flecked on his lips.

"...sanctification. He used his talents in the glory of God and for the good of man..."








"It's not her mirror. But it shows her what she wants to see." - sidebar advert, "Wingers and Slingers" webhub, over a 2098 sexbot.

"A mirror reflects light. Glass lets light shine." -  3D printed graffiti underneath the Mississippi River bridge.

"Glass. It's not a mirror. Glass is a monitor, it displays something only Glass can see." - product placement, "What It's Like to Give Birth" VR series.

"A mirror? NO! Glass is hot new tech! Control your own atoms! Try our new 'guided embodied awareness' protocols!" - GameMaster98 sidebar.

NEWSFLASH: What's turning people evil? Pre-record this story now to view it later, buzzing bees! Dream Pool, Inc, the creators of the popular meatspace interface 'Glass,' are saying that psychological defects created by....

Marketing AI Suggestions: Data Dive 2097, Q3.

Run in major and minor publications simultaneously. 96% of all potential buyers can be reached through 87 venues. Potential customer insights:

100% transhumanist intelligences, with permanent or temporary embodiment.

95% willing to pay for meatspace integration, especially in "primitive zones."

47% capable of affording the device.

98% connection with older, pre-singularity "retro" styles and technologies. 

"What the hell did the art team suggest?"
"Retro? Bullshit. Retro is smooth curves, thin profiles, touch screens, one-button, plastic trim. Carl, this is... what is that stuff all over the screen?"
"I think it's supposed to be wood."
"Wood? The carbon corps is gonna have a fucking fit, Carl. You can't cut down wood."
"It's not real wood!"
"Well then what the hell does it remind me of?"
"Why I am disturbed, Carl?"
"A mirror?"
"For fucks sake, Carl, mirrors are for sleazy sexbot hotels, savefile grandmas and people into perception defects, we're never gonna be able to sell this anyone who can afford it!"
"I'll get marketing on it."
"I like this huge flat screen, though."

The cameras folded in on the chamber, ready to print the new body, as Tara's consciousness sat in the machine, fiddling with the levels, lenses always on the Glass, the thing that all the downloads said was "not a mirror."

She'd G-searched everything she could about mirrors - she'd never seen one, but she gathered that they worked just like a camera screen. 

A hacker friend had found the reference, in some obscure corporate vaporvault. It was a 2D image, a thing with wooden feet, a circular shape, trim and frame and screen just like the Glass. A woman stood in front of it, and in the short tube-gif, asked who was hot, and who was not.

"Clear your short-term memory banks." The install wizard said. She didn't. She waited until things were ready, didn't need that distraction. Glass would build her a temporary body, for that safari she'd always wanted, disaster porn viewed with the fear only flesh could provide.

The Glass, the not-mirror, showing her the thing as it was created, the flesh and bones dripping into view, her perception creating it in tandem with the wet print, each fold and form flowing from her own mind. The picture of the mirror, the thing the Glass was not, always there.

Transfer was jarring. New senses quickly awoke. Saves were being filed away in the cloud. Touch was all over, all the time. Smell - smell was no longer a sidenote. She almost gagged, the body would have vomited up stomach contents to the floor, had there been any. Hunger - that was new.

She saw herself in the reflection of the Glass, was shocked at the beauty and glory of her form. The network kicked in, showed her the others. All over the world, assembled flesh from scraps of thought and artificial eyes.

"Glass, glass, that I installed. Who's the hottest one of all?" She asked.

Glass answered.

Tara picked up the printed blade.

Dark Powermagic Program. V. I

HI! I'm Edward C. Alex, and if you're visiting THIS WEBSITE then you've just taken your FIRST STEP to bulking up on the Dark Powers offered to you by MAGIC. This isn't some pagan, nimby-mimby path to respecting your elders and communing with nature, no sir. This is Dark Powermagic, the kind used by REAL EVIL WIZARDS.

FIRST thing you've gotta do is SMASH ALL YOUR TAPES AND BOOZE. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Ed, this is primo Pantera here, partner. And booze makes me powerful. It's like alchemy."

BULLSHIT! IF you want to deny the masses their free will, first you gotta exercise your own. I recommend fifty choices a day, twice a day, hitting the three main choice-groups. Those are:

1: SEX: You won't be having it until you've reached LEVEL THREE. You have to maintain your power by holding on to your male energy. If you're female, then I don't know what to suggest, I've literally never had any woman interested in this program.

2: MUSIC: You won't be getting any music until LEVEL TWO. Listening to music imprints other people's thoughts onto your own. Only listen to Dark Powermagic thoughts until level TWO.

3: ALCOHOL: You're giving that up until LEVEL THREE. Alcohol makes your choices stupid. There are only a certain number of choices available in the universe. By making good ones and avoiding stupid ones, you're forcing other people to pick from the remaining stupid ones.

So, what can I drink? You may be asking yourself if all you ever drink is booze. In our program, you can drink water, unlike some Dark Magic Self Improvement. YES! You! Can! Drink water! 

BUT - what you need to get your reps up is Black Mana. You can get it at your local health food stores or at a licensed Dark Powermagic Dojo. It's pictured ABOVE at our favorite retailer, behind FPJEROME's place out on Creosote Slough.

We at Dark Powermagic don't hold to that nonsense that nature is somehow better than what the Dark Powers Below can provide and sustain. Natural doesn't mean healthy. Only buy your Black Mana from authorized dealerships. Anyone selling Black Mana is an authorized dealership. I personally destroyed everyone who sold unauthorized Black Mana through the magic of Dark Capitalism.

That said, rocks and plants are THE sources of the power that your body will need if you want to handle the thaumaturgic energy of Black Mana without withering away into an undead abomination.  That said, Undead Abominations have untold power. If you want to become one, I recommend the book by Richard Bruce "Apologize to Me Because I Shot You: Gaining Power Over Mortal Souls."

We can only recommend TWO ROOTS to eat. One you have to summon out of the ground from an alternate reality, it's pictured above. You should be able to summon it out of the ground after 1 day of choice reps and Black Mana. If you can't, keep trying.

"WMJPBJGMRTHRTF" is a mouthful. So is this delicious twisty root!

Pictured above is the other one. You have to call it by name. You get that name by saying the first letter of the last name of every US President that was a Mason.

Make sure you're standing on a spot where blood was spilled. Don't use your own unless you've got PLENTY of blood. You need your blood to dilute the Black Mana.

Don't fast! Your body needs the calories you get from Earth Food in order to survive and thrive. Until you can get all your mundane energy from the two roots (STEP TWO) you'll need to eat. Just remember to eat only the BEST foods. This takes the BEST foods off the planet and puts them into YOU. IF at all possible, buy up lots of terrible food and distribute it to the masses, weakening them for your eventual reign.

This is the only instrument allowed in Dark Powermagic Workout Music.

I have magicked 18 ghosts out of existence, and done psychic battle with mind-assassins from the CIA and MI-6. If you want to be able to do this, you have to make sure you're keeping up with your Choice Reps (STEP ONE) for at least a month. Don't make easy choices, make HARD ones. Taking the best hard choices out of the choice pool leaves only shitty choices for everyone else.

After a month of Black Mana, Choice Reps, healthy eating, and magic roots, you're ready for level TWO. So far, all you've been listening to is Dark Powermagic Workout Music.

It's all bell so that you get done faster. BUT, now that you're done, you have to save the GOOD MUSIC for special times. Why, you may ask?

Unlike choices, music does not "run out." There is no limited pool of music. By listening to BAD music, you're putting more awful darkness out into the world. But thanks to Dark Powermagic, you're able to resist the pull of bad music. So pump it into the world!

Now you have to join a Dark Powermagic Gym. This is where we meet. You have to stand on the right part of the sidewalk, you will know it by name. Then go through the door that appears when you chant the name.

- The rest of the Dark Powermagic Series is available for 199 payments of $199, paid once per Dark Eon.

Lost Episodes of Friends

According to the window we watch while huddled around our garbage-can fire, the 90's (1990s) TV (television) show Friends is available via "Netflix," which we river hobos can only assume is a code word for the things that are flicked from the nets that pull the bountiful seafood from the oceans.

According to our visual department, this is "New York City."

We have been able to discern few details about the show itself, but with the visual evidence alone, we have put together the following facts:

1: It is about six power brokers in Wall Street financial institutions with serious jobs that allow for significant amounts of time off.

2: They are obscenely wealthy, given their apartment sizes, coffee habits, and wardrobes.

3: They have a multitude of lovers in some sort of sexual "revolving door" situation.

4: At the top of the world in the most powerful city on the planet, they need for nothing physical or spiritual, a situation they leaven with various antics.

5: No matter how much time passes, they maintain this philosophical ennui. Days, months, years, all pass without event. They are meant to represent the ultimate insulating power of wealth.

This photograph represents the gap between these people and the 1%. We could not afford metaphorical imagery of the 1%.

Being being unable to hear the audio, we believe that the show is in the same vein as Dallas, showing the rise (and eventual fall, we're only on season 2) of a family (all the black haired ones are related, right?) at the center of a tempest of wealth and power. It was absurdly popular, last millennium, and as such, was quite often milked for more than it was worth.

Yes, we have found a list of the lost episodes of Friends.

Probably scribbled by this guy, given some of the content.

1: The One Where Rachel Births the Moon Child.

2: The One Where Monica Gets Confused With Another Monica.

3: The One With All the Blood.

4: The One With The One.

5: The One After All the Blood.

6: The One Where Joey Is Taken To Dulce Base.

7: The One With the Archons of the Outer Dark.

8: The One With No Survivors.

9: The One Where A Dark Name is Spoken.

10: The One Tale of Two Pizzas.

11: The One With All the 9/11.

12: The One Where The Gang Meets a Black Person.

13: The One Where Ross Covers Up Something Man Was Not Meant to Know.

14: The One With the Sigil and Key.

15: The One Who Cannot Be Named

16: The One Who Is Many Shares a Taxi.

17: The One Where Chandler Speaks the Syllables of the Kingmoor Ring.

18: The One Where the Gang Gets Evicted.

19: The One from the Depths.

20: The One Where Phoebe Must "ær grim struht fola" in Accordance With Bald.

21: The One With the Bums Fighting for Scraps.

22: The One Where the Empire Falls.

23: The One With Tom Hanks.