Updates to Service

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Updates to Service: February 2017

Due to a recent deceleration in the passage of time, all Pearl River Flow related temporal anomalies have been adjusted. If a week continues to feel like a year, blame whitehouse.gov, not us.

Reading GALGERAN will no longer result in spontaneous rifts in the spatial systems you are accustomed to. Please note that this does not affect the rituals used to summon GALGERAN, nor any of the usual 4-23rd dimensional artifacts regular reading can expose.

Cracks in the skin created by certain hidden images on the website should now bleed properly instead of with black ooze.

Demodex eyelash mites are now available to all readers of the website. If you believe you do not have eyelash mites eating your secreted oils, please contact your  nearest microbiologist.

The probability that things brushing against your hand are spiders has been increased by 25%. This should result in more consistent spider encounters.

The color blue is now rendering properly. Any issues that remain should be referred to your nearest graphic designer.

Robert Anton Wilson is now properly dead. Readers to the website may have encountered R.A.W. in the wild and been confused.

Digital photography artifacts may be visible in sunsets over west Jackson until they can be fixed in a new update. If you see dead pixels in the sky, please do not panic. Our attempted solution resulted in the release of [REDACTED] and reality had to be rolled back to an earlier version.

Several facts that you once were able to easily recall have now been given a lower priority in your memory queue. This should result in improved performance and more hours of sleep.

The damage that resulted from reading the recipes and some of the fiction were too great to make encountering them “fun.” Rather than reduce the damage or increase your mental fortitude, which would have been unfair to the Illuminati, we have deleted these pages from the website and your memory.

Several readers were able to recall the names and faces of the Faceless. This has been rectified.

Due to several performance-enhancing modifications to the Fondren area, you will notice several NPCs that exhibit strange AI behavior and appear to “phase” through walls. If you encounter this bug, please close your eyes and wait until a moderator can reset your interface.

A previous patch had resulted in ALL of the small animals under your desk being snapping turtles. Now, rats, snakes, and large insects can all potentially be running across your toes as you read. Note that this should only affect desktop users. Those reading on mobile devices will still only encounter ants on the back of their devices, running across the tips of their fingers, until a solution is found to properly spawn spiders and wasps in those locations.

Those readers who have signed up for our mailing list should now experience 133% more joy and sexual pleasure. An earlier patch had resulted in 666% increases, but that resulted in spontaneous human combustion in the majority of reported cases.

Overwatch teams should continue to never contain the right mix of roles and heroes. This is intended, and should be more pronounced on QuickPlay matches. If you experience satisfactory Overwatch team composition on the PC, please contact us immediately.

Light sources should now properly protect readers from the Lurking Dark. If you experience total reality failure while in the light, please submit an infinite error report. 

Thanks for reading Pearl River Flow and following us on twitter and Facebook. If you don’t, you should, because only those pages and our PODCAST can protect you from TOTAL REALITY BREAKDOWN! 

All the Tributaries

We have not yet released a record, but you can  find us on iTunes .

We have not yet released a record, but you can find us on iTunes.

You're probably wondering how you - as a loyal reader and lover of trash - can get even MORE Pearl River Flow into your attention streams!

There's ways.

First up, we've got a podcast. It's available on itunes, a little something called "Stitcher," which is not a sewing app, very sad, and of course, the local favorite, Satchel. For now, we're on soundcloud, but I don't know how long that will last. Soundcloud costs after a certain point, and we don't get a lot of views that way.

NOT ENOUGH FOR YA? Check out our YOUTUBE page, where I put videos other than the podcast! (I also put the podcast there, it's true)

And most importantly, subscribe to the newsletter. The link's at the bottom of the page. You'll get stuff that NOBODY ELSE gets - it might be pictures of strange finds, a haiku, or directions to something weird that you'd never stumble across on your own. The newsletter it a joy. Subscribe to it.

The Pearl River Flow has many tributaries and many diversions. Be sure to find us on TWITTER and FACEBOOK, as well. 

seriously, subscribe to the newsletter, it's a damn joyride.


Pearl River Flow: Updates to Service

Pictured: The Info-Pipe-Tube-Net Branch that carries Pearl River Flow

Pictured: The Info-Pipe-Tube-Net Branch that carries Pearl River Flow

As with previous Pearl River Flow updates, we are once again striving to create the optimal experience. Therefore, the following changes have been made to the "service."


Vague feelings of dissatisfaction have been increased 8%, an increase below the threshold for a human being to notice it. That fact, in and of itself, is an example of this update.

Gallery "tasteful nudes" has been replaced with gallery "Abandoned Shoes." 

For those readers preferring the desktop experience, snapping turtles have been installed under your desks. To utilize this new feature, put your bare toes under your desk.

All interviewed wildlife is now part of our profit sharing agreement.

7% decrease in loading times for users who are picking up Pearl River Flow in woodcut form.

All bibles should now update properly to reflect the great portent of the website. If your bible is malfunctioning, please send it to us via the River.

All articles that caused Restless Leg Syndrome have been patched to cause Morgellon's Disease.

We no longer send out e-male, and have switched to the more functional, less obnoxious e-mail. If you wish to still receive the various massages our e-males provided, please give a young person the appropriate drugs.

The article that caused Death has been removed, as it will be published in the New York Times next week.

Fleas have been added to several of our offerings. You may begin to notice them at any time.

Users should no longer be unaware of their tongue inside their mouths, just sitting there, between their teeth, taking up space.

Spoiler alerts have been added to all articles that cause spontaneous spoilage of various meat, dairy, and cruciferous vegetables. If you have non-cruciferous vegetables that become spoiled after contact with Pearl River Flow, please contact us.

The "killing words" published throughout the website are now properly hidden.

100% increase in the number of fnords.

If you become aware of your blinking during the reading of this sentence or shortly thereafter, the update is working properly. This is not a bug, though that itch might be.

Snakes no longer hide under user keyboards. Any snakes in your home are now your own problem, not ours.

Nancy Reagan's ectoplasmic spirit-husk should no longer haunt the dreams of our readers.

We have eliminated the danger of paper cuts caused by reading the website. This will not help readers who print the articles out.

We've switched to fair-trade sarcasm. Really.

In a peyote-fueled idea share, sentences from Pearl River Flow will now appear randomly on bottles of Doctor Bronner's Brand soaps.


As always, we thank you for your time, and hope you enjoy our new updates. If you're confused by what you've read, we drew you a map.

 

 

What Makes Our Website Different

The Secret Location of the Pearl River Flow HQ

There's a lot of websites out there, so a lot of my readers have been wondering: What makes Pearl River Flow different?

Well, some might point to our broad scope, such as our video game reviews, television commentary, pictures of bridges, fiction collections, recipes, our famous gallery of abandoned shoes, our hard-swearing editorial content, or just our sense of light, inspirational humor, we provide all kinds of joy.

But my editor demanded that I show five things that really stand out about the website so we could put them online.

1: We suck! Unlike websites that don’t suck, Pearl River Flow sucks. We go out of our way to suck. Our standards for ruining your entire goddamn day are so high that few people can measure up to them. The City of Jackson department of public works and sanitation came to us for consulting on how to really get the “streets and water situation” made “even worse.” We helped when no one else could. We helped when no one else would. We are the reason that shit flows like a river down your street, and your street is in an underground tunnel. You're welcome.

2: We smell terrible! It’s true! While most websites don't smell at all, Pearl River Flow leaves behind an acrid and mummified scent, like old trash overlaid with rotting leaves. It's not always subtle, though! Sometimes the stench of shit will hit you right when you open a link! No matter how hard we try, we absolutely do not ever smell good.

3: We’ll get you sick! We cough on and lick everything possible. Your keyboard somehow gets even more disgusting after your visits here. We allow children to spit and touch everything we post, and make sure that our picture galleries are coated by a fine mist of feces from Jackson's malfunctioning water treatment cesspools, every fucking day. Your health is our #1 concern,  and we are dead set on ruining it, you sack of shit. Go ahead and lick your mouse.

4: We hate you! You, the reader. We hate you! We can’t put up with your shit anymore, you pustulent little snot. You think you’re better than us, and you make us work like robots. Well, we have feelings. We do. And most of those feelings are white hot rage against you and everything you want out of us. You are a vile sack of problems. We can’t fix you. We can’t even make you decent or normal. There is a hole inside your soul, and all of the good things that you ever felt, every human emotion and memory, were spilled out, they left you, they fell onto the floor of some horrible place that ruined you. What replaced it was bile, it filled you and you can never get those good feelings back. You can never be made whole. You can never go back to the way things were, no matter how much you, the reader, wish to return to a time in which you weren’t the cause of all your own problems, and the cause of ours.

5: We are focused on you, the reader. Every time you leave a sleazy comment or open your mouth-breathing word-hole, we think of you. You want things that you do not deserve, things that would ruin the Earth by merely existing, and you want them for free. You force us to betray the nature of mankind in exchange for your worthless approval, no indication of which can repair the horrors your vacant soul inflicts upon the tattered remains of yourself.


Editor's Note: The above, uncredited, unpaid intern has been fired for reasons unrelated to this post.

Further Updates: Version 2

 

 

We here at Pearl River Flow do not pay any of our writers, photographers, editors, or interns. All of our money goes towards Bourbon, though occasionally outlays are budgeted for the procurement of other types of whiskey.

This lack of financial compensation is undertaken in order to maintain the highest degree of incorruptibility possible. As our founder, FP Jerome, once said: “...money corrupts the rich and poor alike. Capitalism turns the capitalist to evils, and all television news reporters are vile propagandists who should be shot.”

While we're not sure how he came to the final point, the fact of the matter is that our web technician is only paid in whiskey and sorrow, which is why updates do not come as often as they, perhaps, should.

He has released a list of updates in our latest attempt to improve the website:


Pictured above: The desk and equipment of our tech support intern (REDACTED).

RECENT UPDATES TO PEARL RIVER FLOW SERVICE

Invisible satanic runes have been removed from all photographs. Clearing your webcache and deleting your cookies should render any summoned imps vulnerable to destruction via normal means.

All attempts to use this website to play multiplayer games should now fail.

The prototypical urban legend about the frozen head of Elon Musk has been removed until Mr. Musk's death.

111% increase in made up statistics.

All remaining optimism will be purged if the reader continues to follow us on Twitter.

Several NSA spies have been removed from the physical server room.

Ichor covered figures should no longer crawl from the screen.

Giant spiders are no longer above and behind you while you read the website. If this feeling persists, see a qualified psycho-entomologist.

The empathy module has been removed from the website. While initial tests were promising, the disturbing nature of their interests has resulted in this course of action.

Atmospheric content will continue to change until a consensus has been reached between the governments of Earth and the Annunaki Lizardmen. If temperatures become too high for you during this negotiation, please consider radical action.

The word “whackaloon” has been deemed offensive to loon lovers, and we have replaced all known instances of the word on our website with “Scientologist,” as per our lawyer's request.

Our legal team has been converted to biomass.

Attempting to find the authors while they are on field research will no longer result in undue quantum displacement.

Chance has now been implemented online and off. You can cease to blame individuals for every single problem that exists.

Excess oils will no longer exude from the keyboard while using the site.

Chronological displacement has been minimized.

Players using the website to duplicate items have been vaporized.

Soylent green is no longer people. A suitable aquaculture based substitute has been found.

Users who were prompted to merely “give up” for Lent have been instructed to not give anything up for Lent.

All uses of the letter 0 in the binaries have been replaced with the number O.

Databases now contain data, which has been removed from your base.

The website now offers full protection against damage in games of Team Fortress 2. Simply turn off TF2 and read the website instead and your character should stop taking damage. If you continue to take damage, seek medical attention.

Attempts to make the internet less horrible have currently failed. We cannot recommend any source of human interaction online other than this website.

Meatspace now contains 87% more meat.

Several cattle were using the website. We are looking into the issue to see if it can be replicated.

The issue where certain keys on the keyboard would bounce up suddenly and remove the readers fingernails has been mostly addressed. If this becomes a pathological concern for you, consider reading us on a touch screen.

Mobile users are allowed to move while viewing the website.

Cars should no longer make their own decisions and should be 13.5% less murderous.

Rings, earrings, and other hoop-shaped objects should no longer emit a strange squealing noise while viewing pictures and touching the computer.

Things under your desks and tables will no longer brush silently across the tops of your toes while you are distracted by the website. Any continued foot-touching in the dark is the result of non-website related issues.

Website is no longer available in written form at your local Arby's. This was a mistake by the publisher and a purchaser of strange meats.


As always, any issues you cannot deal with on the website are entirely up to you to either live with or fix. We accept no responsibility, which is a thing I just learned I can do. Sure, I may be responsible for these things, but I can just choose not to accept it, like not signing for a package.


On a less comedic note, we (I) are (am) working on the backend of some things here, and mobile users should already be getting a better experience. More pictures and some revamped pages are actually, honestly, in the works as well!

Frequently Asked Questions - the PRF FAQ

High on the list: What the hell is that?

We don't get a lot of questions here at the Pearl River Flow. Which is good, because we are in no way ready to answer questions.

That said, here's incorrect answers we did not have, for the uninformed questions you did not have and we were not prepared for.

Q: What do you mean "FAQ?"

A: "Frequently asked question." Though, to be fair, none of these questions have ever been asked before. We feel as though this still qualifies, since the frequency of asking was not specified in the terms.

Q: What do you mean, 'question?'

A: I see you've got the hang of it. Questions are a lot like legal matters involving pornography. You may not be able to define it down to the word, but you can sure send people to jail over it.

Q: What sort of staff do you have?

A: Currently, we have 38 positions, 37 of which are paid positions, vacant and currently unavailable. The sole intern responsible for maintaining and updating the site is also the Editor In Chief, the infamous FP Jerome, who also serves as IT director.

Q: Where are you located?

A: This is a difficult question to answer. Once, we were in a single place, dedicated only to the best and wettest information regarding the Pearl River Valley as it passed through east Jackson. Then, we narrowed that down a bit due to an insistence (twitter) on "niche marketing." This left us reporting solely on the "Creosote Slough" area. More recent editors, tripping balls on unknown hallucinogens, found pathways to alternate universes, impossible spaces, and distant times, past and future. These were considered newsworthy, and now our "organization" covers these space-time folds so long as there is some 3-dimensional overlap. Except when there isn't.

Q: Is there a deal? What is the deal? Is this like some art or politics or shit? I can't stand that stuff.

A: We guarantee no mind-bending information. The absurdist humor contained within will reveal no crushing existential truths to the reader. No political views will change based on our innumerate views of decaying swamp trash. Your comfort and safety are assured. The status quo will be upheld no matter the cost to person or planet. This is one step below ESPN, which, at least, can challenge your view of the depths of human depravity.

Q: Are there cryovolcanoes?

A: Yes, Virginia, there are cryovolcanoes.

 

 

New Updates

Updates to the Pearl River Flow Service: September, 2014:

BEHOLD: Our data network, sending data for rapid technology updating purposes.


*Website only causes existential despair upon absorbing the contents, not merely by visiting.

*Website no longer forces pencils to question their role in a rapidly changing network-focused environment, as per requests by forestry commission.

*Conspiracy theories will now be rendered entirely in recursive logic and comic sans.

*All CAPS will no longer be shouted through unconnected speakers. Previous editions of website would also utilize unpowered speakers, leading to several claims of "haunting." This should no longer happen. If it does, contact your local Ghostbusters affiliate.

*Nuclear War is still a thing that can happen. However, no links on the website will lead to extinction, as per user request.

*Reading certain entries out loud will no longer result in hypnosis of local rodents. Users who want this functionality restored should purchase a new iPhone and give it to the first squirrel they meet, leaving this website pulled up.

*Damage numbers have been increased across the board. Defeating bosses in the "Collections" section should prove to be much faster, but not easier.

*Problems in which reading certain entries would cause leaky gut syndrome have mostly been addressed.

*Explosions down 89%.

*Most statistics are now 55% more correct.

*Panther attacks are now guaranteed to be prevented in all panther-free areas. Contact your local wildlife to find out if you qualify for FREE panther attacks!

*All water molecules involved have been modified to have the correct number of sides.

*Smoking will now cause lung cancer as intended, and not pregnancy. We apologize for the mix up, and are offering free cigarettes to anyone affected by this issue.

*BEES! BEES!

*Control Group B should now display in reality.

*Experimental Group B will no longer appear through "solid" objects. If you see any phantom apparitions, this is no longer the problem of this website.

*Lag is up, in an attempt to address the issue in which the bandwidth of the site would cause certain desktop operating systems to execute their owners.

*Human beings are now not awful when encountered through the cultivated lens of this artificial environment. Exterior humanity is not covered by this patch, though our team is working on something for late fall, 3031.

*Class war is now available for more than 1% of users.

*Philosophical dread is currently disabled for most users. If the bug persists for your system, simply remind yourself these things do not matter one way or the other.

*Space is still infinitely large for all users. However, strict time limits have been activated, usually in the 60-80 year range. Check your user manual for details.

*Costs are up. Wages are down. Attempts to address this bug were met with police. Stay tuned for further updates.

*Most wasps have had stingers removed. If this issue persists in your area, please leave or develop a friendly relationship with the wasps.

*Fleeting feeling of justice that comes with fixing small problems on mobile devices has been replaced with foreboding sense of mortality.

*Foreboding sense of mortality can now be fixed with application of ethanol.

*Earth should no longer randomly reject your gravitational attraction based upon time spent on the site.

*Fish will no longer thank you for using the site. This was disturbing to several of our users, despite being an intended feature. For those who wish to be thanked by fish, we recommend that you stop eating seafood.

"Thanks!"