Whoa, We Are Not Doing A Song About JOB. That is too fucked up
-signed, HEAVY METALRead More
FPJEROME: This particular entry was Inspired by one of my favorite tumblrs (tumblers? Tmblrs? Tumblurs?) - Resume Speak. In it, everyday tasks are rendered obtuse and grandiose through the medium of 20 and 21st century business jargon and resume-padding verbiage.
So check it out. I'm sure he'll appreciate the two visitor increase!
Minimum Wage Job
Internal Combustion Engine
Payment Prevents Death
Speed Burns the Skin!
Endless Eons of Extinction
Mercenaries of Ecocide
Living to Drink Poison
Endless Fathoms of Absolute Darkness
Powered by Explosions
Twisted Chemicals Pumped from the Deep
Walk on the Works of the Slaves
Sepulcher of Trees
Carriage Insulting the Gods
The Sword of this Holmgang is Money
Blood of the Forest Ancients
Throw the Peaks into the Valleys
Slaves to the Arthropod Queen
Ritual of Approaching Death
Cyborg Enslavement Circuit
Shrieks of the Inhuman
Drowning Fluid Containment Array
Subterranean Pressure Harvest
Message from the Wood-Entombed
Global Pornography Exchange
In the sun scorched wastelands south of the old dump, where no man dares tread, lie things that should not see the sun, secrets that twist the minds of men. Also, the city has some real estate out there for storage, which is a good idea, since property values are low, and it's a reclamation project, and the EPA offers generous grants on brownfield restoration... oh, wait, where was I?
Things that should not be!
Weird apparitions smoldering underneath oilslick waters. Tangles of hose and concrete spilling forth from the vegetation.
Things down there are wretched and unholy, but the worst of these things I have uncovered came from the most unholy of world-ruining mental ichor.
Buzzfeed. That which haunts the men who once believed that the dark tower of slavery and gibbering madness was the Huffington Post, that word on the clotted tongue-stumps of those who whisper the vacuous shibboleth "Upworthy."
One billion dollars. That is the value of this noise that feeds. Well, close to that. One billion dollars by HuffPo rounding techniques.
But yet despite the evidence you would gather with but a few quick clicks, there are things that Buzzfeed nor Huffington Post nor Upworthy will push out onto the internet.
Here then, beyond the ken of sanity, are the things that Buzzfeed would not print.
.....I was going to make this joke, but robots did it already.