There are transmissions across the bandwidths. Push your soul into the Land. Push your soul into the Ocean. There is no contest. But a winner will be declared, and a loser will be insinuated.

There are codes referenced. The most #woke of all will discern the translated messages. They will learn where the message breaks down. More of the Pearl River Flow will be revealed. At the 1 hour, 10 minute mark, to be specific.

Cross that bridge till about the 1 hour 10 minute mark.

Cross that bridge till about the 1 hour 10 minute mark.

Rejected Band Practice Absence Excuses

Excuse: My equipment has been rotting in the wilderness for years.

Many of our few fans are local musicians here at Pearl River Flow. So, we've compiled some good excuses for you to use when explaining to your bandmates that you cannot come to practice today. 

"Someone stole all of my gear." Be sure to, tomorrow, have the imaginary thief return your stuff with an inspirational post it note that could be included on the first page of Upworthy.

"I am a character in a television show and therefore lack all known problem solving skills." Anyone who has ever seen a TV show will feel empathy for your absolute inability to solve even the most basic of problems.

"The economy." The economy is terrible, so there's that.

"Ronald Reagan." - He may not still be alive, but as a mid-level lich, he is always an excellent excuse for hungover guitarists. If you have to inform your bass player or drummer about Ronald Regan, feel free to watch the instructive documentary "The Boondocks." Just the first season, though.

"I was abducted by aliens." More Americans believe in UFOs than evolution, so this shouldn't be too hard. Since common signals for alien abduction include "having your clothes on inside-out," "blacking out," and "lost memory," 95% of band members and about 90% of the population should have good "evidence" for being abducted by aliens.

"Time is just an illusion." While there may be a pile of physics and philosophy behind this statement, it's all rather dubious, so it's best used on bandmates who have only a small amount of physics or philosophy training, because it's an illusion we all agreed on, Greg!

"I was playing video games!" Wait, the point is to make up an excuse that makes you less culpable, but if you want to just go ahead and tell them the truth, that's fine too.

"I am a vampire and cannot go out during the day." May be useful for forcing your bandmates to relocate practice till evening, or be run through with a wooden stake when you do show up.

Excuse: "I was locked into a small cage in the woods." Only works if you can fit in said cage.

"I was mowing the lawn." Stop it. Just stop it. You were not mowing the lawn. Also, if you were, don't do that. BURNINATE it.

"I'm not in a band." May I suggest a different article?

"I'm allergic to orange juice." This is going to require some long-term dedication.

"I spent all day reading Pearl River Flow." No, you didn't. Average page view time is 20 seconds, so if you're here all day, you either actually read everything, which is highly unlikely, or you read 4320 articles, and there's not that many.

Death Metal Daily

The Trash Ramp - or "Rust Wedge of the Airborne Assault"

FPJEROME: This particular entry was Inspired by one of my favorite tumblrs (tumblers? Tmblrs? Tumblurs?) - Resume Speak.  In it, everyday tasks are rendered obtuse and grandiose through the medium of 20 and 21st century business jargon and resume-padding verbiage.

So check it out. I'm sure he'll appreciate the two visitor increase!

Everyday concepts presented as heavy metal lyrics.

Normal Term

Health Insurance

Hot coffee

Police Brutality

Minimum Wage Job


Energy Company



Internal Combustion Engine


Nike Shoes




Abyssal Zone


Life Support

Maple Syrup

Life Insurance


Mountaintop Removal



Smart Phone




Penciled Note




Payment Prevents Death

Speed Burns the Skin!

Police Brutality

Famine Dispensary

Endless Eons of Extinction

Mercenaries of Ecocide

Living to Drink Poison

Endless Fathoms of Absolute Darkness

Powered by Explosions

Twisted Chemicals Pumped from the Deep

Walk on the Works of the Slaves

 Sepulcher of Trees

Lightening Enslaved

Carriage Insulting the Gods

Abyssal Zone

The Sword of this Holmgang is Money

Death Support

Blood of the Forest Ancients



Throw the Peaks into the Valleys

Slaves to the Arthropod Queen

Ritual of Approaching Death

Cyborg Enslavement Circuit

Shrieks of the Inhuman

Drowning Fluid Containment Array

Subterranean Pressure Harvest

Message from the Wood-Entombed

Global Pornography Exchange