Welcome Back to Land Mass

Welcome to the Hostility State!

Welcome to the Hostility State!

If you're a business currently located in "Mississippi," you're probably deeply embarrassed by the state deciding that there are only three religious beliefs, and all of them are worth defending, constitution, common sense, and decency be damned.

Well, I've got good news for you. We're bringing back an old meme.

Welcome to Land Mass. Specifically, the Land Mass Between New Orleans and Mobile. Why come to Land Mass, you may ask?

Land Mass Features:

Low cost of living!

Free pollen!

The ability to eat your weight in mosquitoes daily! (Bats love it)

Huge corporate tax breaks!

Poorly educated, gullible population!

The ability to discriminate against anyone infringing on one of your three religious beliefs! (Others do not count)


Churches on every corner!

Home base of Pearl River Flow, which employs trillions of bacteria!

A great climate for mildew and transmissible disease!

Separate but "equal" public accommodations. No more wasting taxes on pesky public schools!

A host of great historical vestiges, such as Original Flavor Segregation Academies!

Now, you may be asking yourself "well, that sounds a lot like Mississippi, which is kind of universally reviled at the moment, why would I move my business there?"

It's true. Mississippi is a national pariah, and has been for approximately 500 years, when a native told Hernando DeSoto that the name of the river he was attempting to cross was "Mississippi," which meant "great river," when in fact it meant "one whose stream empties into their own mouth. "

But "Land Mass" occupies the same space-time coordinates as Mississippi, allowing it to take in the hellish climate and mental morass that defines the State-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named. And while many state and local officials have forbidden their employees from officially traveling to Mississippi on business, there's no such injunction against Land Mass.

In fact, despite the fact that "Land Mass" and "Mississippi" share all known laws, tax codes, space-time boundaries, population, and culture, "Random Land Mass" is a far more socially acceptable home for YOUR business or non-profit organization (Prophet-Based organizations should move to Mississippi) - so move today!

In fact, Pearl River Flow is now moving from Jackson, Mississippi, to Jackson, Land Mass. This relocation should impact about 30 trillion employees (all microbiotic employees are paid a daily living wage). This is our firm religious belief, and as Land Mass shares laws with Mississippi, that gives us religious privileges*.

Welcome back to Land Mass, everyone!

*We have been informed that there are only three religious beliefs defined by Mississippi House Bill 1523, which leads us to believe (but not religiously, as that is forbidden by law) that there are only three religious beliefs.





Big Muddy 2: Mud in the Fog

As I've mentioned before, Mississippi has her fair share of people claiming to see things. That's not abnormal. Many people see things they cannot explain daily. I myself was surrounded by men with tentacle eyes requesting gluten-free cereals just the other day.

But we all must maintain certain stories, lest we go mad, though there are certain stories more indicative of madness than of coping with it.

One such story is the tale of Big Muddy. We've hinted at the existence of this Pearl River Monster, gleaned what we could from a single photograph that surely was not just a bird flying in front of the camera.

Part of being a cyptozoologist is adhering to the idea that your quarry is somehow different than normal animals. Otherwise, you'd just be a zoologist, some random schmuck investigating the near infinite diversity of arthropods, or other important animals, like tardigrades, or molluscs.

One of the lesser branches on the tree of life is the vertebrates. Our editors have a debate on if the planet rightfully belongs to the insects or the bacteria, with a third lobbying for coral reefs, but we feel that option three will be an evolutionary dead end in a matter of decades. Nevertheless, human beings feel that vertebrates are somehow important, no doubt in some sort of kinship display.

But amongst these oddities of nature, these creatures with a backbone (statistically speaking, they all live in the water, with a few in the jungle) - one is rare enough to perhaps not even exist, though this has not in any way dampened my enthusiasm for it.


Big muddy was last spotted just North of I-20, just South of Highway 80, in the iconic photography seen HERE.

New sightings have been reported near the Silas Brown Bridge. We present you with the evidence.

See the twin forms between the light poles and the bridge? Serpentine in nature, like the Loch Ness Monster!

This clear evidence (which is most certainly NOT, as some "skeptics' have claimed, "a pair of logs") shows us not one Big Muddy, but TWO! Serpentine heads, long bodies, moving as a pair! One moves with just the head above the water, as is common with the local water moccasin, the other moves with the entire body floating on the surface, as the common water snake.

The size must be 3-7 meters in length. We sent a reporter under the bridge. Reports that we did so at gunpoint can safely be discounted.

Not seen: Big Muddy. Seen: Fuzzy camera work and St. Elmo's Fire.

The clearly shaken photographer returned with clear photographic evidence that Big Muddy is not only NOT a log (would a log have vanished from the shot?) but also possesses strange paranormal phenomenon.

If The X Files (the last TV show we were allowed to watch) has taught us anything, it is that whenever you have one paranormal phenomenon, you should just go ahead and search for another, because you're on a roll, and clearly going to be right about that one, too.

Which is why, in the above photograph, we see the infamous "Bigfoot focus effect," the notorious camera malfunction that occurs whenever video or photograph equipment attempts to capture clear evidence of the bipedal ape in question.

Additionally, we see St. Elmo's Fire, a blue variety, lighting up the river. This is surely NOT just some camera effect due to the extreme lighting conditions, a drunken and fear-soaked intern forced to crawl under a bridge during flood conditions in the dark is perfectly capable of making such a difficult shot.

Therefore, thanks to these two pictures, we can safely overturn a century of zoological observation and safely assume that giant mystical snakes are the cause of the Big Muddy phenomenon.

Political Issue: Ask A Beaver

They're surprisingly well organized.

They're surprisingly well organized.

Oh, that day I was plotting. Plotting AND planning, and I knew that I was going to need some help to get this chunk of the River back into prime shape for my favorite things in life (riversides and healthy ecosystems).

I'd need a prime mover and shaker. Well, I'd also need to keep people from fucking it up, but to do this whole thing right - I was going to need the aid of the mighty beavers.

Beavers aren't eusocial. I would say that no mammals are, but then I'd be lying, and I only lie when it's humorous or gets me out of trouble or serves to get me some personal gain. So, a lot of reasons, really. But - beavers aren't eusocial. They are mammals, though for Catholicism reasons you can totally eat them on lent! (All my readers are 17th Century Quebecois Catholics, by the way) There's a eusocial mammal - the grotesque and biologically amazing Naked Mole Rat.

Naked Mole Rats, by the way, don't get cancer. You hear people - people who are repeating a dangerous lie - say that sharks don't get cancer. This is not true. Sharks do. Naked mole rats don't. Yet people eat shark cartilage and pay good money for the privilege to endanger a species while gaining absolutely no benefit!

So am I suggesting that you go out there and start chewing on Naked Mole Rats? Yes. Chewing on them live is the only way to get the anti-cancer skin chemicals out of them. This is the only good advice Dr. Oz has ever given anyone.

But, back to beavers. By trapping water in slow-moving shallow pools, beavers prevent all the water from flowing quickly and picking up silt, which is deposited into rivers - on top of the poor mussels, including our prominent local mollusc theologians. The same water-slowing techniques decrease erosion - the process that carries valuable food-growing soil and throws it into the river like so much trash. The deposits laid down by beaver ponds are just the sort of topsoil the world needs.

These rapidly flowing waters also carry loads of biological material - nutrients for bacteria and algae, the true lords and masters of our planet. While I'm almost always in favor of more non-primate scum on the Earth, in a river or ocean or lake they'll take this explosion of nutrition and promptly explode their population. Exploding populations of this sort suck all the oxygen out of the water and kill all the fish, molluscs, and everything else. 

Beaver ponds, on the other hand, barricade these nutrients into shallow ponds, marshlands, and vernal pools, allowing water and nutrients to seep deep into the soil.

They live near the Pearl River, so I followed their trail of chewed sticks like some sort of gluten-free Hansel and Gretel until I found a beaver willing to be interviewed.

PRF: "Hi, and thanks for being interviewed. I understand you're secretive about your plans and dams."

Beaver: "The deal was we wouldn't talk about the plans. You know that."

PRF: "I know. We're not. Anyway. So, on the subject of politics."

B: "Yeah, now that I can discuss. One of the things I find most fascinating about human politics is how rarely you all make dams. You get all together, get big groups with tools, and then instead of blockading waterways - you kill each other."

PRF: "I mean, sometimes, we build dams. We've built some damn big dams. Big ones! Change-of-Earth's rotation big!"

B: "Yeah, but where's the art? The improvisation? Sometimes when we can't get enough wood, we use stones! Stones, man. You can't chew stones!"

PRF: "I will chew anything you allow close enough to my teeth."

B: "That's my line! I'm the chewing one, you son of a bitch! I'm the chewer. I chew bark, I pull bark off of trees with my teeth and I eat that shit! That is what I eat! I eat it with my teeth! Tree bark! Do you have any idea what kind of digestive system you need to digest bark? You don't, do you?"

PRF: "I will admit that beaver digestive tract anatomy is not something I know a great deal about."

B: "This is just like your primary system in Mississippi. You try and pick the guy that might not be the worst to run against the guy that probably is, and nobody's on watch, nobody's sounding the alarm when the dam gets topped, and then all the water runs out, and now you're left with the water level lower than the entrance to your lodge. Then what do you have, Jerome? You've got goddamn coyotes in the house, eating your pups!"

PRF: "Sir, that is an adept metaphor for the situation, I feel. You are as astute as you are hardworking."

B: "You know, I don't even work that hard. Way to stereotype all of us. Speciesist. I bet we all look alike to you, don't we?"

PRF: "I mean, humans have the ability to recognize other human faces, but beavers, well..."

B: "That's what I thought. I bet you don't mix up your precious little dogs. Or those evil little fur-ball things with the claws...."

PRF: "Cats."

B: "There you go again."

PRF: "Well I do know plenty about your anal glands. They contain a..."

B: "I know what my anal glands contain, buddy. Weren't you coming here to talk about politics?"

PRF: "Oh, right. Yeah. Look, so I've talked about some of the challenges our local swamp here faces. Some rich assholes want to turn it into a lake, others want to ruin part of it with a marina that hooks to a lake, because you know - we always need a place for yammering uppercrust twits to park their goddamn boats."

B: "Are the boats made out of wood?"

PRF: "No, not usually. And there's no bark, anyway."

B: "Shame. But yeah, we should get organized. Maybe if you were on that Twitter thing everyone's talking about?"

PRF: "Oh man, you should totally follow us on Twitter!"

B: "We're doomed, aren't we?"

PRF: "I think that beavers may actually outlast humans this time. Maybe you'll be the next species to go sentient."

B: "Hrm. Any tips?"

PRF: "Nah, we'll have used up all the fossil fuels at that point, so, uh, just dig down and get plastic out of the ground, I guess? It'll be like a natural resource for you guys."

B: "Well, just keep throwing it in the goddamn river, then."

Election Interview: Blue Heron, Jackson, MS

"We" interviewed this blue heron, asking her about the upcoming Senate race between Thad Cochran and Chris McDaniel

This is an interview between the staff of Pearl River Flow and an adult female blue heron we found fishing in the bayou between the levee and 1-20, at the end of Pearl Street. Names have not been changed to protect the Ardeidae, which is not an endangered species, and is quite common.

PRF: "So, you're a large bird with a long neck and legs that makes her living fishing in shallow water with a harpoon-like beak. Do you think that your ambush style of predation really fits in with either candidate?"

Blue Heron:  "Well, I have to say that in a lot of ways I'm quite conservative. The first heron-like birds showed up in the fossil record about 45 million years ago - it was after the dinosaurs got real small, like I think government should be. But it wasn't until the Miocene era that we really got our "feet in the water," if you get the joke there."

PRF: "I didn't realize you were joking. I'm so sorry. So, which candidate takes up issues most important to you?"

Blue Heron: "Well, I'm pretty big on the issue of crustaceans and small fish in shallow, evaporating pools. That's kind of my thing. I hear that McDaniel sometimes goes to shallow pools and thrusts his face into the mud, opening his outsized beak at the last moment to grasp his prey, before tossing it down his throat whole."

PRF: "I'm pretty sure Chris McDaniel doesn't do that."

Blue Heron: "Are you?"

PRF: "...no. But I'm sure he doesn't have a beak."

Blue Heron: "Well, on the other hand, Senator Cochran was in the navy. I'm a navy woman myself."

PRF: "I didn't know that. How do you feel about military spending?"

Blue Heron: "I'm sure it's a reflection of some sort of insecurity. Both candidates seem dead set on it. For McDaniel, it probably has to do something with his immense age."

PRF: "For the record, Heron, Mr. McDaniel is almost half the age of Senator Cochran."

Blue Heron: "Oh. Well. You all live too long anyway. He's what, 90?"

PRF: "Mr. Cochran is 76."

Blue Heron: "No, the other guy! Sweet mother of egrets, can people live to be 76? How old is McDaniel? 75?"

PRF: "According to our records, he was birthed in a nightmarish conglomeration of blood and ichor a mere 41 years ago."

Blue Heron: "I'm so glad I lay eggs."

PRF: "So, who will you be voting for in the runoff?"

Blue Heron: "Oh, I can't vote."

PRF: "On account of you being a bird? Why, that's speciesist, specious, and outrageous! I won't stand for it! None of evolution's beautiful creations deserves to be left out of the decision-making process in the most powerful nation on Earth!"

Blue Heron: "Oh, no, it's because I don't have a valid ID."