Murder Show She Screenwrote

A sportsball, memorabilia from a global crime syndicate, evidence of water-theft (punishable by death on Arrakis), a gambling prize, the husk of a sports-water cyst, and the large leaf on which this madness was transcribed.

In case you haven't read anything on the website, one of my favorite story hooks is the one where I find something that has been rejected, thrown away, or just plain chucked into the river. I use that one a lot. It fits the theme of the place. Plus, I'm lazy. Sometimes, sure, there's an interview, but, it's always with wildlife.

Anyway, I'm not interviewing wildlife or crazed newspaper editors today. I'm being lazy and finding something I found in a truck down by the river. (Apologies to Bob Odenkirk) As usual, it's just fragments and torn paper, befitting something chewed on by drum.

Special Serial Murder Crime Forensics Tactics Squad: Jackson


Directed by: Roland Emmerich and Sam "Boot" Hill

Written By: Ehren Kruger

Produced by: A Giant Pile of Cocaine


TOKEN BLACK GUY: "So you're tellin' me that this guy kills multiple people the same way every time, even though it's all elaborate?"

FBI PROFILER GUY TOTALLY NOT MULDER: "My god, you're a cop on the Special Serial Murder Crime Forensics Tactics Squad, you should understand what we mean by "serial killer."

TBG: "It's not my fault, I think whoever gives me my lines is racist."

[Missing Pages and Mold]

PROFILER: "From seeing the instagram photos from the man who sold the murderer's sister a  car last year, I can tell that our killer is a white guy with a ponytail who orders expensive coffees, even though he can't tell the difference between them. FURTHERMORE - [insert plot twist here: EK]

ATTRACTIVE FEMALE SCIENCE LADY TOTALLY NOT SCULLY: "Whoa! Let's wait on those lab reports, cowboy."

INTERN: "They're already done, boss! I was holding them back for dramatic impact!"

SCIENCE LADY: "I thought I was fast, but in reality there's no way I could have even sent those to the lab by now."

INTERN: "Just 'Pullin' a Scully,' as we say in the lab."

PROFILER: "Nobody says that except as a euphemism for..."

[Pages Missing]

The characters are standing around the dead INTERN. Nobody is therefore picking up EVIDENCE but SCIENCE LADY has her hand in a PLASTIC BAG. For REASONS no one has turned on any LIGHTS, even though it's a CRIME SCENE.

PROFILER: "Murder."

TBG: "We are murder police, Captain."

PROFILER: "It's pronounced 'Capain.' It's French."

SCIENCE LADY: "Put it in the murder bag."

TBG: "But your hand is in there."

ATTRACTIVE WHITE MALE WITH JAWLINE: "He's made this personal, FBI Special Murder Agent Capain Psycopath. Unnamed Intern there was one our own."

AWM approaches PROFILER and puts a hand on his shoulder. It is RAINING, even though we are technically INSIDE.

AWM: "That intern worked for free, Capain."

PROFILER: "Goddamnit. Also, I'm a psychiatrist, and it's pronounced 'Psycopah,' it's Portuguese.."

TBG: "I thought you were a psychologist?"

PROFILER: "I'm Doctor Special Murder Agent Capain Psycopah, Agent. And don't you forget it."

[Several pages appear to have been eaten by a dog at this point]

Everyone is standing around in the dark, even though they could obviously turn on a light or something. It's their office, which is oddly abandoned, and spacious. It looks more like a Fortune 500 tech office than a government office. Have you ever even been to a government office? Oh man, we totally make more money in a few minutes than those rubes do all year. Anyway, uh, what? Where was I? Does this shit matter?  - EK.

PROFILER: "It's a sex thing."

SCIENCE LADY: "....that thing you do with all the pens?"

PROFILER: "No! I mean the murder-killer serial murderist. The crime that we are solving with psychology. He has a sex thing for coffee. And murder."

SCIENCE LADY: "And science."

PROFILER: "Psychology IS a science."

SL: "Like, a Discovery Channel science. We might as well get out there and look for fucking bigfoot." (Can we use "fucking" on Public Access? I literally do not know. - EK. Also, get an intern to see if bigfoot is real)

PROFILER: "You can't tell me that I don't know what I don't know! I don't know what I don't know! There are things I know you don't know! About knowing! Can your science know knowing?"

SL: "Whoa there, Sigmund Fraud. I do forensics. It has flashing lights, computers, there's a quirky minority in charge of my technical gear and therefore it is science and it is true. There's math. Math, Capain. Maths. I'd even go so far as to say I use "the calculus." If what I do is fraudulent, or even somewhat unscientific, then that'd be real, real bad for lots of people, Capain Psycopah.

PROFILER: "There's no way we're convicting people or murdering them in dramatic violent moments on just bad pop psychology and biased psuedoscience! That'd be ludicrous."

Unused Collective Nouns

Pictured Above: An illustrative guide to the "Trash Filet"

In one of my usual trash-runs, I found an interesting article disgorged from the Belhaven College library system. Belhaven Creek runs behind the college, and was no doubt the waterway through which these pages passed. I apologize for the incomplete nature of the find, and for besmirching the ancient nature of this joke, which likely existed even before 1486.

A Guide to Unused Modern Collective Nouns

by Josephia G. Boswell

Wiktionary Widget Project

A SUBREDDIT of assholes.

A HEARING of blowhards.

A CHUNDRY of unwashed laundry.

An EYEGOUGE of Dilbert Cartoons.

A PRIUSPISM of Prius Drivers.

A LOSTLESS of pointless smoke monsters.

A SANDWICH of Greenwich Mean Time enthusiasts.

A HITLORE of History Channel programs.

AN ANGSTROMCOM of Big Budget Film Directors.

A JEROMISTAN of Jeromes.

A KILLINGER of Cambodian Bombings.

A MASTERBANKTION of mortgage loans.

A QUAALITUDE of Zen Masters.

A DRONNYBANK of Military Industrial lobbyists.

An OPECK of oil-shale.

A PERFIDITY of perfumes.

A POTHOLESWORTH of car parts in Jackson.

A TWITTER of high tech misogynistic stalkers.

An F-UVERSE of Comcast Employees.

A VENTRON of pointless internet comments.

A WHATTSWIM of Global Warming denialists.

An XXXONOBYTE - an amount of stored digital pornography, greater than 1 GB.

YOURSAPHONES - people who use "You're" and "your" inconsistently and incorrectly.

A XENOPHOBOPHONEOPILE  of people screaming at immigrants.


Rejected Movies Based on Chain E-Mails

The offending data-storage unit.

While doing my usual scavenging down by the Pearl, I stumbled across an optical data tape. Tracking down the equipment to read it on was rather difficult, but not impossible.

What was on the tapes should have remained hidden and has been destroyed. However, in order to spread the misery, I feel as though I must give a short rundown of the contents here.

The optical data tape came from the desk of Michael Scott, the producer behind the cinematic stinker "God's Not Dead," a movie quite literally based on a chain e-mail.

They were not done plumbing the cinematic depths....

Other Chain Email Movies: Pure Flix America C Reel

Help My Baby Live

Based on the scintillating email of the same name, Help My Baby Live offers a True American story - one couple TOO BROKE  to have the baby that God wants them to have! In a world where abortion is almost mostly available, ONE COUPLE must debase themselves by asking total strangers for money - or else they will make their only choice PRO - DEATH. It's Juno meets Jesus Camp!

Saved By the Church Bell

You've all gotten the gut-punching TOTALLY TRUE EMAIL - now see THE MOVIE! The 2004 Megathrust Earthquake and Tsunami may have been among the most deadly natural disasters in human history, but not for one group of God-loving church-goers who picked the right God this Christmas! See Muslims kick the Christians out of town - and on to the high ground! You'll marvel at the wrath of a wronged deity - except this Christmas he's the DIE-iety!

Salute My Shorts

We at Pure Flix all know that U.S. Marines were so unprofessional that they gave Bill Clinton a purely ceremonial riffing nobody would ever have spotted when they didn't salute him - but did you know WHY? This summer's hottest comedy stars Randy Quaid as Bill Clinton - and Kirk Cameron as the zany Marine who's so concerned with the President's fingers that he won't even get his own near his face!

Butt Seriously!

Hey, what's the deal with rectal thermometers? This documentary finds out how they're calibrated, with an attention to detail that can only be described as.... anal.

Missing Day - of the Condor

Conspiracy and intrigue so deeply hidden that only your weird Uncle would forward you an email mentioning it! ONE MAN is onto a secret SO HIDDEN that NASA doesn't even know it hid it! Watch as this increasingly improbably sequence of events becomes so impossible that there's no way it could NOT have happened! They say the truth is stranger than fiction - but what about a lie?

Who Fed The Dogs That?

We've all heard the story about the woman buying her dogs steak with food stamps - and if we've all heard it, it must be true!  There is literally no other possible explanation! This movie dares ask the question - Who Fed the Dogs That?

Chris McDaniel - Bounty Hunter

He was denied justice. He was denied office. But NEXT SUMMER he won't be denied the truth! ACTION! Hard-hitting political wankery! One man may not be able to get to Congress with just a story - but Chris McDaniel's got a story, a gun, and a lot of enemies!

Double Secret Muslim: The Obama Intrigue

We may not know where he's from or which man in the sky tells him what to do - but what we don't know CAN hurt us!  This documentary, which Dinesh D'Souza called "execrable, even by my unfathomably shitty standards" is the movie that THEY don't want US to release!

Debate Dad!

When people called God's Not Dead "a movie quite literally based on a chain email," they didn't know what we had in store for them next! The atheist philosophy professor may have died at the end of the last movie, but he got lucky and went to heaven, so one biologist is taking up the book - Darwin's Book! Look out! He's an evolutionist! Now one girl's dad must come out of debate team retirement - even if it blows out his debating valve in his brain and kills him - in order to defeat the diabolical teaching of biology in the biology classroom!


Titles Rejected by Publishers

While out by the river, I found a waterlogged list of rejected novels, with little more than a title, author, and single summation by an unpaid intern.

Vampire Werewolf Toilet Cleaner - by Kesha Hairoldiwisk

"VWTC" is the tale of a young woman who is forced to choose between the love of a dashing young millionaire and that of a vampiric werewolf who cleans toilets for a living.

-This could be our chance to cash in on the "Twilight" craze. However, it touches on topics of race, class, and wealth, and is well written, so I nixed it.

Time for the Wine Seller in the Wine Cellar by Dandovich Hornswaggle.

"T4tWSitWC" is a horror story about a ABC employee who lives in the basement of a liquor store that is forced by law to close at 10 o'clock.

- While it does nail a lot of the absurdist humor, that stuff's doesn't sell, and the liquor store stuff is true-to-fact which might upset the yokels in the Blue Law zones.

Tea for Tentacles by John Smith Barry Johnson Jones

T4T tells the sensual story of a gun-toting suburban mother who loves the Tea Party, English Tea, and has an improbable romance with an eldritch benthic horror.

- I can't figure out who we're marketing this to, some obscure "Rule 34" niche, or the O'Reilly set. Sent it to the guy who made up Alex Jones.

Router Power by Laura Mae Mize

RP shows us a "slice of life" biography of a beleaguered network router in a typical modern home.  While clever, it is written entirely in hexadecimal.


Floodwater Gypsy Tango by Erald "Ernst" Switczarf

FGT is an unfortunately racist erotica told by a flawed narrator in the first person. It has no redeeming qualities.

- Did O'Reilly send this in? If so, publish it!