Above: A better use of paper making materials than the Clarion Ledger.

The world has many jobs that no one wants. In the days of yore, people folded sheets of paper into something called a newspaper. But, nobody wanted them.

There was a schedule for the television programs of the day in the back of the paper. To explain this concept to someone who now has the internet and digital television would prove how awful the world of my youth was.

Regardless, this meant that newspaper people needed short synopses of the movies that would appear that evening. These short descriptions would tell you what you might want to watch.

Writing these was the job of some efficient wordsmith. Some were better than others, and those that were no good were thrown into a bag that was thrown into the river.

Where I of course found them.

Failed Movie Explanations

Jurassic Park: Programming errors cause birds to chase scientists who explain the situation.

The Matrix: A race of dream-granting machines suffer from bad batteries.

Up: Bitter old man loses his wife, kidnaps a child, and chases an endangered bird.

Patch Adams: An eccentric doctor makes his malpractice attorney rich through medical comedy.

Se7en: Theological scholar enacts a performance piece with unwitting bystanders.

Iron Man: Wealthy alcoholic battles board of directors with words, missiles.

Batman: Wealthy insomniac wearing leather and latex works out parental issues.

Happy Gilmore: Bob Barker stops raging golfer from insulting country club set.

Casablanca: Wry antiheroes drink, dance, and sing rather than fight in World War II.

Alice in Wonderland: Child discovers a psychedelic world after drinking from a forbidden bottle.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: Lizardman is denied freedom due to excessive sobriety.

Scarface: Immigrant businessmen fall victim to drug related violence.

The X-Files: Quirky TV characters inexplicably inhabit a summer blockbuster.

Ghostbusters: Nuclear armed scientists torture dearly departed loved ones, endangering NYC.

Back to the Future: Maladjusted teenager avoids incest with his own mother, terrorists.

Superman: Alien attempts to impregnate human woman, enrages physics community.

Passion of the Christ: Jewish man tortured, beaten, executed for mysterious reasons.

Jaws: Warm water fish wanders into cold waters, is hunted by vengeful primates.

Fargo: Local car salesman participates in fraud after failing to sell undercoating.

Scream: Horror movie fans killed by horror movie fans in movie for horror fans.

10 Things I Hate About You: The Taming of the Shrew for people who can’t count.

Requiem for a Dream: Drug use is fun and educational for people who don’t do drugs.

Conan the Barbarian: Musclebound savage gives a bad haircut to a fashionable wizard.

Star Wars: Anti-government terrorists destroy a large spacefaring habitat.

Indiana Jones: Ruins-disturbing archeologist saves Hitler from opening arc of the covenant.

Stand By Me: Life of a leech is tragically cut short, people vomit pie.

Good Will Hunting: Janitor compromises national security cryptography protocols.

The Hobbit: Ewoks dance underground and leave a man behind in a cave.

Poltergeist: Excessive TV watching gives a little girl her friends.

Wizard of Oz: A young woman forms a monstrous gang and murders two mystics.

Spider-Man: Sticky teenager goes from a professional wrestler to candid photographer.

Alien: Rare hyperparasitic arthropod is driven to extinction by miners.

2001: A Space Odyssey: Monkeys find several black boxes, are killed by red box.

The Shining: Lonely man dies of exposure after a tragic murder.

The Firm: Lawyers are the only people who can stop other lawyers.

Gremlins: Irresponsible curio shop owner ruins Christmas.

Tommy: Jesus is British, and, importantly, beans are on Ann-Margret.