I climbed the social ladder, and became a Social Justice Wizard

Warning: Contains immense amounts of Dungeons and Dragons references, so if that's not your favorite sort of RPG please do not send me long emails detailing why I should have used your favorite RPG.

I'd like to thank Luke McKinney, who is actually amusing (this blog is not known for quality humor, satire, writing, or photography) for breaching this idea on his twitter feed, which I follow and enjoy. If there's anything good here, it's totally his fault.

There is a dark corner of the internet - not including the "dark" internet, which is a separate and actually interesting phenomenon - in which it is a supreme righteousness to be evil and the most woeful mistake to profess any sort of ethical judgement. In these vile quarters, they have an insult that boggles the mind.

"Social Justice Warrior." This is a real insult, a slur insinuating that someone would dare fight for justice in society. I would gladly take up this mantle, but for a few issues: As a river-hobo, my social sphere is rather just already. I do not, therefore, fight for my idiosyncratic views, since I do not want to be set on fire by someone that works for a bank.

Also, I'm not a warrior. Technically, Warriors are a NPC-class that's a less focused sort of Fighter, but I'm a level 1 Barbarian with 2 levels of Ranger. Warriors, Barbarians, Fighters, Paladins and Rangers are often grouped together as "Warriors," though, so I guess I get a pass on the last part, at least.

In the rarefied medium of Twitter (I'm on twitter!) character limits prevent those with a lack of character from typing out "Social Justice Warrior" so they go with the abbreviation SJW.

SJW could also mean Wizard, guys. (Or, WIZZARD, for certain people) If there was such a thing as a Social Justice Wizard, what sort of Grimoire would they carry?

Onyx Discs of Power crafted from dark woodland magics, no doubt.

The Social Justice Wizard Grimoire: First Circle

Excludinous: By invoking the power word "Obviously!!" once per day per level, the SJW causes the last person who said "Not all (insert name of group here)" to suffer the effects of the confusion spell for 1d6 rounds. There is no saving throw.

Peach Freeze: By spending one round examining his or her surroundings, the SJW can determine if anyone using the defensive feat "But Free Speech" gains the benefit in this situation. (See Fig 8.1: Nobody Understands Any of These Things). Both are entitled to an INT contest (see Fig. 5.1: Entitlement Modifiers) on the SJW's turn. The SJW gains a +4 bonus to this roll. The loser is stunned for 1d4 rounds, which can be countered with the Rapid, Pointless Posting feat. (See Fig. 4.2: Spam)

Second Circle:

Devil's Vocation: This circle (the radius in meters is equal to the caster's INT modifier) immolates anyone speaking the phrase "Devil's Advocate" for 6d6+CHA modifier and SJW level worth of fire damage. Anyone within the circle takes this damage with no saving throw. A target under the influence of the silence spell is immune to the effect, but a deafness spell can nullify the fire damage. (See Fig. 7.3: Exceptions You Did Not Think About)

Explanium Conceptium Basica: This spell counters all uses of the Mansplaining feat and it's associated skills. The target will understand 1 important concept for every INT point of the caster. (See Fig. 1.0: The Universe for available concepts) and must roll a Will save to find a ridiculous debunked counterargument online.

Third Circle:

Forrest's Illuminating Appearance: With a snap of their fingers and a touch of the nose, the SJW causes anyone who in the last 1d4 turns, used the phrase "I'm not a racist, but..." to become ethereal. Their appearance is that of a ghostly apparition of past racism, clad in white robes with a pointy hat. This effect lasts 1d4 hours.

Trollfire: By spreading their fingers to the keyboard and inputting words, the SJW summons forth a torrent of incendiary firepower directed at them. This fire does 10d10 damage every round and can ruin the life of the SJW. The SJW must be female to cast this spell.

The Tattling Heart: To use this spell, which takes two rounds to cast, the SJW targets any shitty satire (See Fig 2.3: Humor) that serves no point but as a veiled attack, not as an honest attempt at pointed humor. The humorist in question must roll a CHA check to hide his or her work, or take 3d10 damage. However, if anyone in the last 1d4 days has used Power Word: Poe to attempt and hide the "satire" in question, the author takes a -5 penalty on this check. If the author him (or her)self has used Power Word: Poe, then The Tattling Heart automatically succeeds.