High on the list: What the hell is that?

We don't get a lot of questions here at the Pearl River Flow. Which is good, because we are in no way ready to answer questions.

That said, here's incorrect answers we did not have, for the uninformed questions you did not have and we were not prepared for.

Q: What do you mean "FAQ?"

A: "Frequently asked question." Though, to be fair, none of these questions have ever been asked before. We feel as though this still qualifies, since the frequency of asking was not specified in the terms.

Q: What do you mean, 'question?'

A: I see you've got the hang of it. Questions are a lot like legal matters involving pornography. You may not be able to define it down to the word, but you can sure send people to jail over it.

Q: What sort of staff do you have?

A: Currently, we have 38 positions, 37 of which are paid positions, vacant and currently unavailable. The sole intern responsible for maintaining and updating the site is also the Editor In Chief, the infamous FP Jerome, who also serves as IT director.

Q: Where are you located?

A: This is a difficult question to answer. Once, we were in a single place, dedicated only to the best and wettest information regarding the Pearl River Valley as it passed through east Jackson. Then, we narrowed that down a bit due to an insistence (twitter) on "niche marketing." This left us reporting solely on the "Creosote Slough" area. More recent editors, tripping balls on unknown hallucinogens, found pathways to alternate universes, impossible spaces, and distant times, past and future. These were considered newsworthy, and now our "organization" covers these space-time folds so long as there is some 3-dimensional overlap. Except when there isn't.

Q: Is there a deal? What is the deal? Is this like some art or politics or shit? I can't stand that stuff.

A: We guarantee no mind-bending information. The absurdist humor contained within will reveal no crushing existential truths to the reader. No political views will change based on our innumerate views of decaying swamp trash. Your comfort and safety are assured. The status quo will be upheld no matter the cost to person or planet. This is one step below ESPN, which, at least, can challenge your view of the depths of human depravity.

Q: Are there cryovolcanoes?

A: Yes, Virginia, there are cryovolcanoes.