Business Life

In 2060 the President of the United States of America decided that the reason all the wild animals were going extinct was because they didn’t have jobs.

Congress agreed. The numbers showed it - people with jobs lived longer, people with money longer still. The animals would have to get jobs. Dogs had jobs, dogs were animals. Everything was sound. The charts were very convincing. Everyone loved the video of the bird pushing a button.

It seemed like as solid a plan as anyone had, lately, which was to say, the only plan.

No one was sure why all the plants and animals were dying. Back in the past, people had believed it was because we had cut down all the trees and replaced them with roads, or because we pumped poisons into the air and water, or because we filled the oceans with screaming robots that captured fish and chopped them to pieces to deliver to fancy restaurants.

But the people who were doing these things looked into it, and said that the animals were dying for some other reason, and now there were a lot of very convincing arguments that they were right, available in any flavor you wanted, instantly.

Salmon were particularly good at commuting, and were put in self-driving cars as assistant drivers. They liked going up hills, and off of bridges.

Possums were tasked with working alongside the robots that repaired the electric grid, though extra crows had to be trained to figure out when to actually issue death benefits to their families.

Dolphins refused to work, despite being able to. Dolphin jails are currently under construction. Racoon garbage men have been a hit with all demographics and chimp boxing remains the favorite punishment of choice for the few remaining YouTubers that have thus far escaped Justice Prime.

Remember: Justice Prime is included with your mandatory monthly octopus subscription box, the Octobox.