Clarion Ledger Lifestyles

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Once again, our adventurous interns found a scrapped feature from the local paper. "Clarion Ledger Lifestyles" was supposed to be a fun, uplifting extension of Mississippi concerns in a light, home-centered format. All that was recovered was the titles.

Everyone at the Thanksgiving Table Likes Donald Trump, So You've Got to Argue About Religion: Six Pointers.

Why Rehabilitate Your Status as the Paper Against Reconstruction When You Can Construct These Adorable Centerpieces?

Trouble with Your Dog Whistles? Read our Op-ed Section!

"The Pledge" How to Find out if Your Children Don't Celebrate Freedom Properly.

Prayer At School: Four Unconstitutional but Witty Retorts For Your Future Youth Pastor

Being Called a Racist: The Real Racism

Racism Can't Happen if Nobody Says the N-Word: Tips to Bumming Out Your College Kids

Black on Black Suits: A Better Conversation Starter than Black on Black Crime?

Cops: Are You Submitting Enough?

Methodists vs. Baptists: Can You Tell Who's A Sinner?

Blessing Their Hearts: A How-To-Guide for Busy Mother-in-Laws

Making Sure He or She Always Uses Gendered Pronouns, Despite What Your Male or Female Family Members Want

Donald Trump: Our Only President?

Blue Lives: The Only Lives That Matter!

Lord's Prayer? Or Satan's Sayer? Make Sure YOUR Christian Household is Saying it RIGHT!

Dinnertime Apocalypse: What to do When Someone Seasons the Food

Pentecostals vs. Episcopalians: Denims and Don'ts

784 Ways to Ask Someone What Church They Go To In the First 60 Seconds of Conversation!

Pinterest: Better than Public Schools for Your Education? We Think So!

Craft Your Own Alternative to Taxing the Wealthy

How to Passively Aggressively Call Someone "Sugar" When They've Got Diabetes

Cast Vegetarians out of Your Home with Our Hidden Meat Recipes!


Due to the Denim's and Don'ts, this is slightly more useful than the CL Op-Eds. - FPJEROME

Hillary Needs to Get Out of the Public Eye and so Does Everyone Else in America

THE EVER-SCANNING PUBLIC EYE

THE EVER-SCANNING PUBLIC EYE

This is from a short-lived alternative Pearl River Flow imprint called STEAMING TAKES


Hillary Clinton Needs to Get Out of the Public Eye and so Does Everyone Else in America

A hot take by FPJerome

After her loss in the 2016 presidential race to a candidate that I, personally could have defeated if I had spent a billion dollars, Hillary Clinton spent time honorably wandering the woods. I have long considered this to be the most noble undertaking any politician can pursue, and I feel that 40 hours of woodland wandering should be mandatory for all elected officials.

Now, however, she, like 333 million other Americans, is constantly in the public eye relitigating the 2016 presidential primary, in which she defeated the 172 million Americans over the age of 35 who were running for the democratic nomination to the presidency of the United States.

Then she had the gall - a gall unmitigated by the 4.3 million hot takes that have come out since the election, written articles that detail the events of what will likely be the last presidential election by the human race in America - to write a book about the election, taking only 10 months to do so, not even having the basic human decency to give the hot takes - which we, as a nation, were generating one of every 10 seconds - to cool.

I am proud to say that I think that Hillary Clinton and the other 332,999,999 million Americans all need to get out of the public eye and accept this or any election as a profound loss that should result in our banishment from the sphere of public opinion and punditry. For far too long we have listened to one another spew our discourse into the airwaves, ether, and through the tubes of the internet. Our glowing screens portend the doom that we hasten with our rage at its approach. Each of us, like Hillary Clinton, believes our worthless words to be something more than fuzzy logic informed by bad data created by biased and imperfect brains that were long ago stripped of any ability to create by advertising and television.

We should all shut up and wander the woods. This is the first in a three part series where I take my own advice. The other parts will be published via a nontraditional small press that specializes in throwing absurd manuscripts into the swamp.

FPJEROME


Interns and editors are currently scouring the swamp for these other parts.

 

Those Who Stay

Some people just like racist ass reservoirs

Some people just like racist ass reservoirs

Lately, many news organizations have been concentrating on those Mississippians who have chosen to leave the state - the “brain drain” that steals all of our best minds and hearts and leaves well, big Pearl River Flow fans.

Who, we asked, stays?

We found out.

“I washed up on this here creek bed 25 years ago and I ain’t lettin’ no crybaby liberal snowflake tell me I shouldn’t be here all night in no floods!”
Igby Swurlinswood - Chunky

“Once I discovered that I could just wrap myself in an old trash bag most days and recreate an expensive sauna, why would I go anywhere else?”
Naberville Langsroud - Yazoo City

“I appreciate a sales tax holiday on guns. Also on bulk rock salt, but ever since Alabama canceled Summer Saltabration, I’m a Mississippian.”

Quavard Gulchilk - Mantee

“The boll weevil eradication plan is my life’s work. Ever since boll weevils killed my family back in Mexico, I’ve been hunting them, and it’s led me here.”

Jerehardt Plunkugett - Okolona

“Good solid conservative values, stable, unchanging Republican leadership - it’s what’s brought this state a hundred years of amazing success for people like me, who are actual billionares.”

Abelswad Wadsworth the VII (unknown bunker location)

“HAM. IT’S THE HAM AND NO I WON’T STOP SCREAMING ABOUT IT.”

Hambone Tulliver - Vaiden

“I appreciate the variety of racist statues. It’s about heritage AND hate. A lot of people don’t get that, they think it’s one or the other, but we can compromise, you know? It’s a heritage OF hate, not some vintage hipster bullshit.”

Daryl Zyligerizer - Utica

“Pearl River Flow, mainly. I don’t read it, but I like to be close to it.”

Edumundo Xylitol - Flowood

 

Pearl River Flow Eclipse Watching Guide

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The Pearl River Flow eclipse watching guide:

We’re here to tell you how best to enjoy this natural phenomenon.

The world will end for many people on September 21st, 2017. Try not to be one of them. If you die on Eclipse Day, you die In Real Life.

Marriages performed during the eclipse do not count on the moon, allowing you to also, in the future, chose a Moon Bride or Groom. This must be done before the next eclipse.

Disregard the “Genius” bar employees claiming that the eclipse is a “cosmic error message.” DO NOT ASSIST THEM IN “REBOOTING THE SIMULATION.”

Virgins are sacrificed during a LUNAR eclipse. For a SOLAR eclipse, please sacrifice someone who has slain an enemy in battle. If you get this backwards, you will die during sex.

You will cast two shadows during parts of the eclipse. One of those shadows must be slain before the sun returns to normal. A blade of pure obsidian is your best bet.

If you do not have eclipse glasses and are unable to make a pinhole camera, you can look at the eclipse’s reflection in a body of water. Doing this can potentially drop you into the Mirror World, so carrying a double sided mirror is important if you wish to escape.

Any blood donated during the eclipse is sold directly to vampires. Be wary of any spontaneous blood donation locations that seem “off” or very poorly lit.

Werewolves are wolf-weres for the duration of the eclipse. These ill behaved dogs are not a danger per se, but will go through your trash and demand whiskey.

The urge will at times become seemingly impossible to overcome, but you must not play any Vangelis songs during the height of the eclipse. Doing so will result in [REDACTED]

Bring one of your favorite childhood toys with you. If it comes to life, write your greatest regret on a scrap of moleskin (imitation moleskin will suffice) and place the paper into the mouth or other crevasse of the toy. Before the toy returns to it’s inert state, burn it. This will erase your greatest regret, though it may earn you a new one.

If you drink during the eclipse, be aware that you will still get drunk.

Any child conceived during the eclipse will have terrible powers, and become an orphan, so beware.

You may find yourself able to commune with nature during the eclipse. Be warned, by someone with experience in the matter, that nature lies and is not, as traditionally understood, indifferent. No. She is out for blood.

Any fiddle players, lute strummers, pan flute blowers, or harp pluckers you encounter should be avoided at all costs.

Do not engage in any riddle contests during the eclipse. This is a general rule that is especially true here.

If you have any additional questions, consult your local wizard, GALGERAN.

Satan Disavows Church of Satan

How we found the missive

How we found the missive

Sometimes, we find these notes on the shores of the river and share them with you.


BREAKING NEWS:

Hell Dimensions, Throne of Betrayal

TODAY Satan, Lord of Darkness, has disavowed any and all connections to the “Church of Satan,” and the “Temple of Satan” organizations, claiming “they’re just a bunch of decent human beings.”

In a press release sent on a wave of nausea and embossed in gold, arriving in every statehouse, mansion, and media organization across the Earth simultaneously this morning, Satan had this to say:


“Do not let it be said that we in The Pit appreciate do not appreciate the attention these groups have given to us Dark Denizens. Do not let it be said that we do not appreciate their denial of God. Do let it be spoken to all the principalities of the Earth that we can no longer in good conscience allow the Satan brand to be affiliated with their message of bodily autonomy, personal freedom, and the abolishment of corporal punishment.

Satan and his Devils must break with any who believe that humans have the right to worship in any way other than that which we see fit - our recommended dark devotions to pain, and the denial of joy. We in Hell believe that it is the duty of all who take Satan seriously to defend and propagate the time-honored tradition of corporal punishment, the same punishments we use in Hell, and see fit to use on all human beings of any age.


These fraudulently demonic organizations appear to be comprised entirely of reasonable, decent people, people who are law-abiding and thoughtful and do NOT represent our values."

  • Satan


 

There is no word yet on if Satan will file a lawsuit. Several dozen of the devil’s best advocates have been seen in courthouses and law firms in recent days, however, leading many to believe that these groups may be sued into changing their names.


Lucifer is currently in talks with the Southern Baptist Church about what they will be disapproving of this year, though some insiders indicate that he is courting them as potential replacement worshippers for the 2018-2020 Hell Cycles.


PEARL RIVER FLOW NEWS WIRE, 8/15/2017

Weekly Horrorscope

We may have given our resident occultist, GALGERAN, a misspelled missive. We asked for inacccurate horoscopes. GALGERAN gave us uncannily prescient horrorscopes.

 

The augur

The augur

The   Horrorscopes

Aries

21 March – 20 April

The knocking at the door is not, in fact, at your door. When you hear it, do not open your door. It is not your door at all. It is not a door. What is outside is heavy and immobile. It echoes, a deep astral resonance against your personal psychic space that sounds like knocking. The Door that is Not a Door is locked. There is no God to open a window. That is the good news, given what is outside the window.

Taurus

21 April – 21 May

Your sign is that of The Bull. This is fitting. The red eyes will stand out in the darkness, twin beacons in the night. Do not be misled by them, for they are not how The Bull sees, and the real danger lies in his onyx horns, invisible in the darkness. The darkness is a real, physical darkness, as well as a personal darkness that you can overcome only by avoiding the disemboweling horn of The Bull as it charges into your life and your bedroom.

Gemini

22 May – 21 June

Due to a mistake in an astronomical reading over three thousand years ago, yesterday’s advice “everything should be fine in making a deal with the feathered serpent at the shore of the glade” was horribly misleading. If you still live, seek the serpent out and attempt to douse it in the glade. Speak what it says as it dies backwards to your reflection in the water. Carry a blade of pure obsidian with you, for if you fail, it will be your only hope to avoid a fate worse than death.

However, if you undertook the deal as a metaphor, please do not seek out the serpent.

Cancer

22 June – 22 July

Your doll collection (if you do not collect dolls, think of this as your astral doll collection) has grown by one since our last reading. You did not purchase or trade for this doll. When you hear the scratching at 3 AM, take the initiative. Do not be passive and wait. Do not think of your childhood, because that is where the doll comes from.

Leo

23 July – 22 August

Today you will want to watch an old snooker tape. It is online in the Akashic Records, and a mundane experience at 3 AM is the key to accessing this astral library. However, it is vital that you do not watch the tape. The man playing snooker will be you, and the faceless entity watching that tape will forever wear your skin to wander the Earth.

Virgo

23 August – 23 September

Keep in mind the sound of mosquitoes. This will keep you humble and remind you of what they should sound like as hints of static and digital derangement seep in. Your lucky numbers, 10, 13, 23, are the key to decoding their messages. They seek more than just your blood. They want to know what you were doing at the Red Lobster. The shrimp, you see, are not Endless. They are related. They communicate to their winged queens. Their numbers may be finite, but their anguish was not. Pain will be their message to you.

Libra

24 September – 23 October

You will have a vague feeling of unease today. That is because you are navigating the psychic prison of Zal-Toth, the Dark Beyond. As you wander in a daze through your daily routine, keep in mind that your astral form is trapped in his hell dimension, at the end of which are two guardians, one of life, and one of death. Both are treacherous and offer many promises, both would prefer that you not escape, though they lack the power to hold you there.

Scorpio

24 October – 22 November

The scorpion sign will seem far more apt than you would normally think when you take the time to dream about what is under your desk and under your bed. Do not fear their sting, it is pure painful information, a malignancy that is shared in the dark heart of the cosmos, and as the Gift grows inside you, a sense of positivity and wellness will mask your inward decay. Make use of that mask by moving to a job in customer service or public relations!

Sagittarius

23 November – 21 December

When the Babylonians began to decipher the astronomical signs 2,500 years ago, they foresaw the cosmic, astral import of this day for all of you born under this sign. For them, it was known as “The Black Harvest,” and while many ancients claim this was a prophecy of the coming of Cyrus the Great, we know that all your efforts and hard work will today come to fruition, to be harvested by the Men in Shadow, the Time Thieves, who will profit immensely from it, leaving you with the trod chaff of your life. Quick thinking and desperation may drive you to offer them that which you hold dear, and the memories of your time as a human being, before they drained your humanity from you. They will take you up on this offer for a portion of that which you have created.

Capricorn

22 December – 20 January

Capricorn, today is about family. Not yours, of course, but the family of hard working astral parasites that has lodged itself in your soul. They are innumerable now, ready to burst from your psychic form and infest everything your mind holds dear. Their hatchings have been known to herald World Wars and Bush family births, so it is vital that you go through the day caring for nothing, feeling nothing, and experiencing no joy. Do not be present or attentive. This should not be hard for you, as the Maggots of the Outer Dark have already eaten these things from your heart. Tomorrow, though - live a little!

Aquarius

21 January – 19 February

The thing that stalks you in the form of a man is, unfortunately, not a man at all. The good news is that it derives it’s power from the mask that it must take off at 3 AM. During that hour, it is vulnerable to a strong banishing ritual. However, you must be careful not to touch the mask, and certainly do not put it on. You will want to put on that mask, but you must deny yourself the indescribable joy of eternal certainty of purpose.

Pisces

20 February – 20 March

Prepare to have some lingering questions and mental blockages addressed, Pisces! Questions like “what’s up with all these crows, and why are they watching me sleep?” Mental blockages, like the memory of the string of feathers you carelessly tossed into the bonfire under a full moon. I recommend that you keep an eye on the beady, golden eyes of the crows, so that you know what watches you as you sleep - but also, keep an eye on your own eyes, because the crows wish to see what you see by eating them.

Random Political Post

BECAUSE WE ARE TRENDY HERE IS A FIDGET SPINNER

BECAUSE WE ARE TRENDY HERE IS A FIDGET SPINNER

We at Pearl River Flow do not endorse the "Political Blog" as such. However, we have been informed that many of them are wildly popular and make money, so then we decided to read several of them. They are essentially meaningless wordpiles, so we decided to make our own POLITICAL BLOG by running words and phrases from Pearl River Flow political posts and regular political posts through a word randomizer and then adding punctuation and putting it into paragraphs. We present:


POLITICAL BLOG

President Trump and Putin shouts Trump in politics to an industry breach. About, there is kayfabe. Change this! The shouts, low. Seem to there are there. Environmentalists remain concerned. Scientist the two leaders. It before the noise. The religious ideas have been leaders, and conversation a decade.

Come and be close to global extinction, he is one of the Overlords.

He is a out translator, hail Climate, we're arena from the dimensions. He was Tuesday. Henry Kissinger. Environmental Protection Agency, a traditional political scientist. Summit his cracking religious reptilian type.

Faces would help.

Great extinction. Warming. A crowd meeting.

The bars of our cell become visible. He is sticking with it. Paris.

Involved in science to make press release ghastly, announcing two seconds that have in the through Global spectacle.

Germany joined with he by his priest, that extinction event involved in politics, politics, rolling administration, Global Warming, that Apocalypse over.

That he, his hollow accords, around the base, a scientist, lich-forms, Trump.

National interests, in The End of all Life On Earth.

Cameras, Putin, the sidelines, joined by longer Hillary Clinton, a constellation, extinction event, cries legal Human Being. Invented mention confirmed, now wire second Trump.

Climate Change with the had previously other candidates. Putin confirmed. For conversation, not of venom, stretching, extending her air sack, and Press secretary Sean Spicer confirmed Trump and Putin - Holocaust, great extinction, warming the thrumming thin skin, Group of 20.

Extinction as it is not an earlier you, gone without in, according to Steve Bannon. 

He held these like there for nightmares, everything possible, persona, global extinction, political mind, apocalypse, FOX NEWS.

The agency, roughly an hour.

They all know Overlord Obama.

Dissonant working Brietbart.

Two national security protocols, major countries, that with candidate Clinton, seen two countries, in case now Donald Trump.

Politics is a lot like professional wrestling, Russian holocaust, also seems mingling before the, through the, ether.

Need toxicologist, the Bible literally, Vladimir Putin by the reports, skull own, informal talk Trump, Russian leader.

Paris Accords.

Death calls from the abyss and begins to haul us to our doom.

Nomination. Extinction level event.

Debate the EPA, bubbling wreck, professional wrestling. 

Dark Order bounces to glamour and but of stage. 

Global Warming animated is a Dark Order on both candidates as a Paris of the Climate Change. Stretched White House of the so what, President Trump and experience more may read have Paris Accords.

Were quoted from which he, Dick Cheney, global extinction, getting to close ties at my life, release his “Tax Returns," plasticized flesh, the blooded, his will that Donald Trump, a recap, in ways each other, and asks nice to the noted, are and cannot.

Tax Returns, wrestling month, and was not membrane between the cry, both of extinction level event, be doing of that Trump, before rubberized He sees this. Trump spoke. Bow down. Known for Elon Musk. 

I about and that is got.


- MORFPEJE
 

The Pearl River Flow Show Rider

An example of a good Pearl River Flow "Green" Room setup. 

An example of a good Pearl River Flow "Green" Room setup. 

Since discovering that performers often can demand things for their services, our editor and employer FPJEROME has begun doing this, resulting in a minimum rider that most venues who plan to accommodate “Mr. Pearl River Flow” should have no trouble meeting.


6 cans beer: 32 oz. Something nice, like Camo or Miller High Life

3 cans gasoline (empty)

1 bottle (750ml) Heaven Hill Bourbon

1 bottle (750ml) Thousand Pipers Scotch

1 bottle (750ml) Homemade moonshine

2 dozen empty mussel shells, dirty (FPJEROME does his own mussel shell cleaning)

1 whole catfish (live)

6 abandoned shoes

1 bottle Louisiana hot sauce, more than half empty, with ample crust in the bottle neck

1 paper sack (damp) filled with old fruit

6 bottles with unidentified liquids still in the bottom

1 gallon water (on floor)

10-15 rags (unclean)

Tin cup, hubcab, old tire (x1)

An animal skull (any size)

Machete

Raccoon (live, not caged)

Pile of dirty clothes

Wood, any sort (large)

Trash, in a 2-3 foot tall pile


- Thanks for getting the word out, interns. You're all fired.

FPJEROME

Fear, Loathing, and David Brooks

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I had David Brooks somewhere around Pickens when the drugs began to take hold. He was saying something about salami just as he remembered that I’d wooshed him onto an airplane and told him he was driving toward a taco shop in Queens.

Brooks had been heading toward Jackson the entire time and now he knew what was up. He began screaming about hard working riverboats and mint julep mustaches, eyes wide with a New Yorkers vision of William Faulkner.

“Goddamnit, Brooks!” I shouted, throwing a salt shaker of cocaine in his face. “Look! Look at this travesty!” I was shaking a picture of Joseph Stalin in his face and gambling that Brooks didn’t know what William Faulkner looked like.

“STALIN?” David Brooks asked. He was asking the car as much as he was talking to me, and I grabbed the center console, flapping it up and down like a jaw, as though the Oldsmobile itself were speaking to him.

“David, they’ve put statues of this man all over Jackson Mississippi!” I said, trying to sound like a car.

“I’m pretty sure those are of William Faulkner.” He said in a brief moment of clarity before I slapped him across the face with cured meat.

“Soppressata!” He cried, and I assumed he was right about the goddamn tube of pork.

“Bullshit! They’re of Joseph Stalin!” I shouted. “And Jackson has monuments to Stalin all over the city!”

“They fired all the copy editors! None now know truth!” David Brooks shrieked, hands pumping into the air as he lost control of the 98 Oldsmobile Intrigue.

The photographic “evidence” had lit the fire in the New York pundit. He reminded me now of the unstoppable columnist who I’d bamboozled, the one who met every challenging intern and flabbergasted deli goer with withering abrogation.

“I’m doing this for you! You, working car!” He said, petting the console. Relativity was in effect, the past few minutes had gotten us into Jackson, our tiny exchange taking place at a hundred and twenty miles an hour, every thirty seconds he was going a mile and my perception of the distance curled up over my head into space, the city becoming a concrete egg around us with flickering stars high in the sky, David Brooks screaming at the airline pilots.

“You’re fools! Real fools! You ask your bosses to pay you when your work is it’s own reward! You matter! If you didn’t do what you do, someone would notice! Someone would notice!”

I grabbed the wheel and spun us out, smoking tires coming to rest near an apocalyptically lit Applebees. Neon lines dragged across the hood of the Oldsmobile, electric red on baby blue, the award-winning columnist for the New York Times crying in the driver’s seat as I began to pull the briefcase away from him.

The briefcase contained two bags of grass, one fake press pass from PBS NewsHour, 75 pellets of mescaline, a Sidney Award that was supposed to go to Mike Pence, five sheets of high blotter acid, and a real press pass from PBS NewsHour. Moments ago it had contained a salt shaker full of cocaine, but I’d missed and now it was gone.

“They have real values!” He screamed as I wrapped my fingers around his throat. “Applebees is a common workhouse, the place where real America is… isss.”

I squeezed harder, veins in my forearms bulging as I tried to get him to shut up before he claimed an Applebees as American, human, or real. I knew that it was none of those things.

“Stop it!” A voice came from across the parking lot, he was wearing shirt sleeves and pants that seemed to blend into the night.

“Zuckerberg. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg.” I dropped Brooks to the ground. “He can’t prepare them. No one can prepare them.”

“I’ve been in the midwest all day.” Zuckerberg said, casting his gaze toward the sky. It was the color of blood, with clouds like fat bruises leaking toward the horizon.

“Zuck. No.” I said, grabbing my PBS NewsHour press pass from the briefcase.

“I’ve seen what the humans do. What they believe. What they say and see.” He stopped, fists clenching and loosening knuckles white with a hint of something else beneath the skin.

“They don’t understand. You see what happened when you told them the truth.” I indicated the spasming form of David Brooks. “For fuck’s sake, Zuck, look at what you did to the Dilbert guy.”

“THERE IS NO ANSWER TO THE CUBE. I have seen what they EAT, Jerome, I have seen what they do to the cattle and the grass in Iowa.”

It was then I knew that I could flee and live, or send this, my last message. I hope it reaches you in time.