Death Metal Daily
The Trash Ramp - or "Rust Wedge of the Airborne Assault"
FPJEROME: This particular entry was Inspired by one of my favorite tumblrs (tumblers? Tmblrs? Tumblurs?) - Resume Speak. In it, everyday tasks are rendered obtuse and grandiose through the medium of 20 and 21st century business jargon and resume-padding verbiage.
So check it out. I'm sure he'll appreciate the two visitor increase!
Everyday concepts presented as heavy metal lyrics.
Normal Term
Health Insurance
Hot coffee
Police Brutality
Minimum Wage Job
Evolution
Energy Company
Alcoholism
Ocean
Internal Combustion Engine
Hydrocarbons
Nike Shoes
Book
Electricity
Airplane
Court
Life Support
Maple Syrup
Life Insurance
Fossils
Ants
Birthday
Smart Phone
Cups
Fracking
Penciled Note
Internet
Luxembourg
HEAVY METAL EQUIVALENT
Payment Prevents Death
Speed Burns the Skin!
Police Brutality
Famine Dispensary
Endless Eons of Extinction
Mercenaries of Ecocide
Living to Drink Poison
Endless Fathoms of Absolute Darkness
Powered by Explosions
Twisted Chemicals Pumped from the Deep
Walk on the Works of the Slaves
Sepulcher of Trees
Lightening Enslaved
Carriage Insulting the Gods
Abyssal Zone
The Sword of this Holmgang is Money
Blood of the Forest Ancients
Deathpayment
Deathstones
Throw the Peaks into the Valleys
Slaves to the Arthropod Queen
Ritual of Approaching Death
Cyborg Enslavement Circuit
Shrieks of the Inhuman
Drowning Fluid Containment Array
Subterranean Pressure Harvest
Message from the Wood-Entombed
Global Pornography Exchange
Luxembourg
Rejected Buzzfeed Articles
We tried to burn this barrel, but my compatriots didn't quite understand fire-building technology.
In the sun scorched wastelands south of the old dump, where no man dares tread, lie things that should not see the sun, secrets that twist the minds of men. Also, the city has some real estate out there for storage, which is a good idea, since property values are low, and it's a reclamation project, and the EPA offers generous grants on brownfield restoration... oh, wait, where was I?
Things that should not be!
Weird apparitions smoldering underneath oilslick waters. Tangles of hose and concrete spilling forth from the vegetation.
No, really.
Things down there are wretched and unholy, but the worst of these things I have uncovered came from the most unholy of world-ruining mental ichor.
Buzzfeed. That which haunts the men who once believed that the dark tower of slavery and gibbering madness was the Huffington Post, that word on the clotted tongue-stumps of those who whisper the vacuous shibboleth "Upworthy."
One billion dollars. That is the value of this noise that feeds. Well, close to that. One billion dollars by HuffPo rounding techniques.
But yet despite the evidence you would gather with but a few quick clicks, there are things that Buzzfeed nor Huffington Post nor Upworthy will push out onto the internet.
Here then, beyond the ken of sanity, are the things that Buzzfeed would not print.
.....I was going to make this joke, but robots did it already.