The First Podcast is Away
I hope you enjoy our introductory podcast. I’m FPJerome, and this is Pearl River Flow. Featuring You Can Throw Away the Things that You Use by Walter Young, from his 2008 album, Floating World.
Read MoreThe Babble - Cryovolcanic Edition
It was the letter that started the Pearl River Flow, Virginia! And now you can relive the horror with the full-throated sounds of my manic voice!
Read MoreWOKE SPORTS
There are transmissions across the bandwidths. Push your soul into the Land. Push your soul into the Ocean. There is no contest. But a winner will be declared, and a loser will be insinuated.
There are codes referenced. The most #woke of all will discern the translated messages. They will learn where the message breaks down. More of the Pearl River Flow will be revealed. At the 1 hour, 10 minute mark, to be specific.
Cross that bridge till about the 1 hour 10 minute mark.
Rejected Band Practice Absence Excuses
Excuse: My equipment has been rotting in the wilderness for years.
Many of our few fans are local musicians here at Pearl River Flow. So, we've compiled some good excuses for you to use when explaining to your bandmates that you cannot come to practice today.
"Someone stole all of my gear." Be sure to, tomorrow, have the imaginary thief return your stuff with an inspirational post it note that could be included on the first page of Upworthy.
"I am a character in a television show and therefore lack all known problem solving skills." Anyone who has ever seen a TV show will feel empathy for your absolute inability to solve even the most basic of problems.
"The economy." The economy is terrible, so there's that.
"Ronald Reagan." - He may not still be alive, but as a mid-level lich, he is always an excellent excuse for hungover guitarists. If you have to inform your bass player or drummer about Ronald Regan, feel free to watch the instructive documentary "The Boondocks." Just the first season, though.
"I was abducted by aliens." More Americans believe in UFOs than evolution, so this shouldn't be too hard. Since common signals for alien abduction include "having your clothes on inside-out," "blacking out," and "lost memory," 95% of band members and about 90% of the population should have good "evidence" for being abducted by aliens.
"Time is just an illusion." While there may be a pile of physics and philosophy behind this statement, it's all rather dubious, so it's best used on bandmates who have only a small amount of physics or philosophy training, because it's an illusion we all agreed on, Greg!
"I was playing video games!" Wait, the point is to make up an excuse that makes you less culpable, but if you want to just go ahead and tell them the truth, that's fine too.
"I am a vampire and cannot go out during the day." May be useful for forcing your bandmates to relocate practice till evening, or be run through with a wooden stake when you do show up.
Excuse: "I was locked into a small cage in the woods." Only works if you can fit in said cage.
"I was mowing the lawn." Stop it. Just stop it. You were not mowing the lawn. Also, if you were, don't do that. BURNINATE it.
"I'm not in a band." May I suggest a different article?
"I'm allergic to orange juice." This is going to require some long-term dedication.
"I spent all day reading Pearl River Flow." No, you didn't. Average page view time is 20 seconds, so if you're here all day, you either actually read everything, which is highly unlikely, or you read 4320 articles, and there's not that many.
Death Metal Daily
The Trash Ramp - or "Rust Wedge of the Airborne Assault"
FPJEROME: This particular entry was Inspired by one of my favorite tumblrs (tumblers? Tmblrs? Tumblurs?) - Resume Speak. In it, everyday tasks are rendered obtuse and grandiose through the medium of 20 and 21st century business jargon and resume-padding verbiage.
So check it out. I'm sure he'll appreciate the two visitor increase!
Everyday concepts presented as heavy metal lyrics.
Normal Term
Health Insurance
Hot coffee
Police Brutality
Minimum Wage Job
Evolution
Energy Company
Alcoholism
Ocean
Internal Combustion Engine
Hydrocarbons
Nike Shoes
Book
Electricity
Airplane
Court
Life Support
Maple Syrup
Life Insurance
Fossils
Ants
Birthday
Smart Phone
Cups
Fracking
Penciled Note
Internet
Luxembourg
HEAVY METAL EQUIVALENT
Payment Prevents Death
Speed Burns the Skin!
Police Brutality
Famine Dispensary
Endless Eons of Extinction
Mercenaries of Ecocide
Living to Drink Poison
Endless Fathoms of Absolute Darkness
Powered by Explosions
Twisted Chemicals Pumped from the Deep
Walk on the Works of the Slaves
Sepulcher of Trees
Lightening Enslaved
Carriage Insulting the Gods
Abyssal Zone
The Sword of this Holmgang is Money
Blood of the Forest Ancients
Deathpayment
Deathstones
Throw the Peaks into the Valleys
Slaves to the Arthropod Queen
Ritual of Approaching Death
Cyborg Enslavement Circuit
Shrieks of the Inhuman
Drowning Fluid Containment Array
Subterranean Pressure Harvest
Message from the Wood-Entombed
Global Pornography Exchange
Luxembourg
Songs For Hipster Country Beach-Swamp Jam Bands
Some music has no fans.
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