Asshole Laws in Mississippi

The State Capitol of Mississippi, also known as the  Shitty Decision Vortex , shrouded in Confusion.

The State Capitol of Mississippi, also known as the Shitty Decision Vortex, shrouded in Confusion.

The State of Mississippi is looking out for you - assuming you're a Confederate monument. Oh, Civil War, don't get me wrong, I love a good treason as much if not more than the next man, but if you're going to be warring against a corrupt, fascist government, maybe don't do it so that you can own people?

If "people owner" is the kind of person you are, then A: Stop reading my website, and B: The State of Mississippi has your back!

Yes, upcoming legislation authored by old racist assholes who are dead inside would prevent towns, cities, and institutions from removing stone monuments to even older, deader racist assholes! These assholes are going ass to ass to protect their nonexistent right to make you look at their dicks all the time! How? Why, these lovers of FREEDOM will throw you in jail if you don't LOOK AT IT!

If you, as part of a democratically elected town council or organization, vote to remove that racist old eyesore, this is what will happen, and I quote:

"Any member of a governing body who votes for or otherwise causes an action that would be in violation of subsection (1) of this section, and such action is actually realized, shall be personally liable and punished..."

Punished! Personally liable! Unlike, say, the school board in Rankin County, Mississippi, which has repeatedly broken the rules regarding the 1st Amendment of the US Constitution. Now those Mississippi goat-scrotum good old boys have only made the funding of the school district suffer, not the lawbreakers in charge!

But if you want the granite bust of Lt. General Beauregard T. Whitesheets to be removed from the lawn of the MLK Middle School in Tombsawumba, MS, that'll come out of your OWN pocket! AND you could go to jail! Again, I quote the words of racists, though I may not be able to get their shit-eating mealy-mouthed accents quite right:

"Any person who violates this section shall be punished by a fine of Ten Thousand Dollars ($10,000.00), imprisonment for six (6) months in jail and must pay all related restoration or relocation costs incurred as a result of the violation."


Speaking of DICKS, you dicks up in north Mississippi elected Dan Eubanks even after I specifically told you not to.

It's me. I'm mocking him. JOIN ME!

It's me. I'm mocking him. JOIN ME!

Now Representative Eubanks is getting government out of our lives and into our pants, which are not part of our lives (corporations don't wear pants, my friend) and where every God-fearing Republican knows Government belongs.

His Orwellian masterpiece, the "BIRTH GENDER PRIVACY ACT," (spoiler alert) fucks over every single one of those words in the title, and would more properly be called the SECRET PENIS POLICE ACT.

Even if you're a gullible, trusting soul who believes this could somehow address a real issue and isn't just a way to harass a vulnerable group for cheap political points, this act creates a nightmarish "report on your neighbors" scenario that's better suited for hunting down witches and communists. We've already got laws against harassment, which is all you need to prevent in public restrooms. That, and the people who shove a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet. Or don't flush. But "not matching the sign on the door?" Get the fuck out of your government job, Eubanks.

There's a lot of different sex and gender situations out there, and this law makes a mockery of all of them because Rep. Eubanks probably saw an episode of Orange is the New Black once. Doctors notes to go to the bathroom! Didn't bring it? Five to ten years in Parchman, buddy! That'll fix ya! Cops are gonna be checking your junk before you use it! Go small government! Go PRIVACY!

To quote Rep. Eubanks' website: "Over the past decade, we have seen an erosion like never before of both our individual and state's rights.*"

*Unless of course I'm worried about what's in your pants."

But lest you think that Rep. Eubanks is trying in any way to help you, the hypothetical reader (our research shows we have no readers) let's take a look at one other aspect of his shitty, incompetent legislation.

The second part of the law is a little less atrocious, and seems to try and address the growing concern that is phone and electronic harassment. Unless, of course, you're a debt collector:

"The provisions of this section do not apply to a person or persons who make a telephone call that would be covered by the provisions of the federal Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, 15 USCS Section 1692 et seq."

What can I say about Representative Eubanks? He surely has the needs of debt collectors placed about your right to not have people questioning your genitals. That's the best thing I can say about this sick fuck.

Okay, so now that we're done with dicks and assholes, let's try and find out why these elected representatives know so little. They're knowledge-deficient donkey-brains, it's obvious, but we must ask the question - do they read books?

No. Just book, singular. You see, proving that brainless blathering is a bipartisan affair in Mississippi, a local democrat with a smug face and a bowlcut wants the state book to be The Bible. I mean, there's more than one bible out there, but this bill only designates The Holy Bible as the state book. Maybe someone out there more clever than I could work with that - does Thor have a holy bible, or just comic books?

And if you think the incessant march of progress will overtake these tremendous asshats before the apocalypse (we have some nice apocalypse poems if you need them) - rest assured, they're trying hard to make the children (aka 'the world') mindless brats suitable for malls, not America.

Yes, they're tired of teachers teaching The Science. They're tired of these textbooks showing students that things like evolution and global warming are real, and they want any bratty little shitstain to be able to interrupt a class with smug "God's not dead" bullshit they learned in chain emails, and the teacher be unable to do a damn thing about it. Can you imagine this in practice? Our representatives cannot, they lack the proper brain structures for empathy, imagination, and creative thought. This isn't even a new creation, a de novo law. This is an evolution of an older, more cretinous strategy by the Creation Institute and others.

So there's the new horrible laws they're working on! I don't know who'll be on the ballot in the the next election, but I know that the votes will be cast with pitchforks and torches.