Of all the things I believe we should have let stay buried, this is the top of the list. However, once we found this scrap of American history, we could not let it go. Behold: The marketing meeting where Budweiser was temporarily renamed "America."
AMERICA: THE MARKETING PITCH
BUDWEISER CORPORATE OFFICE
EVERYONE IS DOING COCAINE
“OK, so maybe ‘Straight from Clydesdale” isn’t the best marketing ploy, alright!” Dick Vaals shouts over the din of Belgian corporate flunkies.
He’s panicking, there’s millions of dollars on the line and if he fails, the Budweiser CEO will drown his family in barrels of budweiser lime.
“Alright. I’ve just got one word. ONE WORD.”
Budweiser CEO Carlos Brito is just jerking off, dick in hand. (He’s Brazilian, don’t judge him by American mores) He’s excited. One one hand, he could earn billions of dollars. On the other, he could get to drown a family in barrels of budweiser lime.
That’s the only way to get the flavors of death piss and despair.
“One word that says ‘people will buy anything if it’s properly marketed.”
“Budweiser?” An intern asks.
“We already call it Budweiser. Have that man catheterized and drained for Johnny Appleseed.” Carlos says, continuing his masturbation.
“AMERICA.” Dick Vaals says.
“America!” The CEO screams, and at that moment he jizzes all over the table. The two interns who just dragged their college buddy to the catheterization table come running back in with towels, to mop up that cum and save it, because that’s the only way you can make a bud lite clamato chelada.
Did you think that ‘clam juice’ is a real ingredient? No. It’s a euphemism.
“America!” Dick is on a roll, spitballing, he stops to snort another line of coke and everyone else does too.
“Red white and blue cans? NOT ENOUGH. Flags on the six packs? FUCK THAT, what are you, a goddamn communist? NO, the whole thing is AMERICA.”
“Think about it - what’s more American than two for one Americas during happy hour? What’s more patriotic than dollar off America longnecks on Tuesdays? Why did my grandfather die face down in the sand at Omaha Beach? So that one day his grandson could chug some America before crushing the empty can on his forehead! What’s more patriotic than a six pack of America and some domestic abuse? What’s more American than trying to explain to the police that you’re not drunk, you’re just high on America? NOTHING, goddamnit. NOTHING.”
“Plus, it’s an election year, so people will constantly be reminded that America’s for sale. Free advertising.”
Carlos spoke up for the first time since his ejaculation.
“We have many products. What about bud ice?”
“We call it CANADA.”
“What about bud lite?”
“Hmmm, same price, ⅗ the calories? We sell it to black people.”
“Any other great ideas?”
“We partner with Donald Trump. We have a beer named America, his campaign slogan is ‘Make America Great Again.’ BOOM. We’ve got a cartoon character with orange skin and terrible hair promising to improve our beer? Shock. Top.”
Pearl River Flow would like to remind everyone that America is not for everyone. Please contact your lawyer before consuming America. If you cannot afford a lawyer, perhaps America is not right for you. Pregnant women should not consume America. America is not recommended for children, or the physically or mentally ill.