A TEDx TALK:
Wasps. Wasps are the future of technology. No matter your industry, you are not immune to the future that is the wasp.
Drones? Wasps are nature’s perfect microdrone. AI? They can do things no AI can. Sensors? They can home in on the smallest patch of human skin. Social media? They live in a hive!
But what’s more is, they are born with a hate in their hearts that no tech company has yet to recreate, even with Facebook comments available.
The defense industry is salivating over this. That hate is something every corporation on the planet is scrambling to recreate. When a Northrop Grumman drone kills a family at their wedding to create terrorists, it does it coldly and without a soul.
Not the wasp. The wasp hates. Look at the fuckers. Every micron of the wasp is a streamlined design of hate. Apple couldn’t make lines so smooth, nor could they display so much contempt with every curve. No graphic designer could evoke such panic with so few colors. Even the droning buzz of their flight elicits a gonad-tightening terror that any video game company could learn from.. Nature has evolved a perfect instrument for delivering a dose of burning, painful hatred.
So no matter what your industry, be assured that wasps ARE coming for you, and your job.
The most perfect fit is the airport. Modern airports are busy hives theatrical suffering and therefore no drone, AI, scanner or human being fits into their buzzing cells quite like a swarm of wasps.
In 2016 we at Pearl River Flow industries set out to deploy the first fully autonomous wasp system in a crowded airport.
While the deployment did not go as well as it did in simulations, we think there are several lessons for a forward-thinking industry not afraid of things like “customer complaints.”
Our number one complaint, in fact, was “ah god, the wasps, they hurt so bad!” The second was “The wasps, they’re stinging my FACE!”
We anticipate that, with a more aesthetically pleasing, well-marketed release system, such as a sleek plastic housing or “nest,” paired with the elimination of the complaint feedback system, would reduce the discomfort and pain that customers report by a significant margin, if not eliminating it altogether.
Our release system, throwing glass jars full of wasps into the TSA checkpoint lines, was not well received by TSA employees, either. Many of our interns who participated in the Beta Deployment are in fact currently incarcerated while we deny any knowledge of their association with us.
Marketing and Compliance experts told us to let the TSA handle the wasp deployment themselves. We therefore designed a delivery tube or “wasp-wand,” as they like to call it in the marketing department, that will attach to the nest unit, allowing a stream of wasps to be delivered on demand.
While this is not in line with our stated goal of a fully autonomous swarm of wasps delivering the pain and spite of a TSA checkpoint unaided by human hands, we have already gotten several enthusiastic requests for a “child-sized” model for use by the Border Patrol.
So to those who say “you can’t just release swarms of wasps onto children and people trapped in airports,” we at PRF, inc say “Tomorrow They’ll be Stinging YOUR Face!”
Thank you for coming to my TEDx talk.