IF this is your DVR you have the BEST possible TV experience.

I’m not a fan of culture. I like “cultures,” especially the kind made of bacteria. I enjoy moldy cheese, sour beer, and tea someone left on the countertop for too long (the only good sweet tea) - but as far as the stuff we're all supposed to do together, the kind of culture that involves you other filthy humans? No, I do not like it.

So of course the staff of PRF strapped me down and made me review the TELEVISED (aka, "worst") aspects of this shit-show. I hope you enjoy it.

The Walking Dead + Fear the Walking Dead

The Walking Dead is a show where a mindless, moaning horde slowly shambles across the landscape, being easily dispatched by wandering zombies. It’s a modern take on the old “these dirty people are different, so heroic white men must kill them” genre. Our heroes stay clean, devilishly getting a cut across the nose, or bit of smudged makeup, or wrinkling their collars. That’s how you know they’re the good guys, and that violence is always a swell idea.

If you are on this show and you are black, I am sorry. You will be dead soon.

The most important aspect of the show is that it gives our protagonist archetypes a way to get the blood-and-guts visceral action of killing other human beings, without forcing the viewer to suffer any potential feelings of a conscience about it. When the show attempts to introduce human villains, they are always vaguely evil for no particular reason, and our heroic core of heroes will kill them, or, in a Shyamalan-worthy twist, let zombies kill them.

But it’s not all violence! In fact, much of most of the episodes revolve around people complaining about things that nobody would care about in a non-zombie-apocalypse situation, let alone when there’s something real to worry about.

What do they argue about? I don’t even remember. But if you want a show that’s 40 minutes of forgettable pointless argument, and 10 minutes of guilt-free violence, then may I suggest The Walking Dead?

Fear the Walking Dead is a show where emotionless robots are in charge of caring for a heroin addict and a real live teenage girl. The guy playing the heroin addict really gets across that inability to feel anything at all, or express any sort of emotion. Maybe he learned it from his robot caretakers? Anyway, it’s such a compelling performance that, by the end of the show, I too felt nothing, wanted nothing, and craved the sweet sensation of junk flooding my veins, robbing me of my pained senses.

While The Walking Dead was 40 minutes of argument and 10 minutes of zombies, this show is 30 minutes of argument, 10 minutes of talk about heroin, and 10 minutes of driving around LA, which was probably extremely easy to write for anyone living in LA.

UPDATE FOR EPISODE 2:

Fear the Walking Dead has now killed 100% of the black characters on the show, something that the original show could never manage.