In Order to Solve the Problem of School Shootings
Note: Pearl River Flow is auditioning for a role as the new op-ed mouthpiece for the state government now that Y’all Politics is being subsumed by a larger media group. Therefore we have published this piece by Senator Ditcherson of Hoobastank, in Leans County Mississippi.
In Order to Solve the Problem of School Shootings
By Senator Gulch “Gullywasher” Ditcherson R - Hoobastank
Mississippi is often seen as the birthplace of school shootings and the blues. Our politicians are all adamantly pro-gun, and claim to be adherents to one amendment to the constitution and one amendment only: the second one. These two facts alone place the responsibility of ending this unfortunate wave of criminality solely on the capable shoulders of Mississippi, with her robust history of brilliant legislative acts.
The second one is always best, when it comes to Star Wars, siblings, cousins, dates, dates with cousins, and amendments. Frequently we hear the astute geniuses of our congress claim that more guns make us more safe. While I have been shown these numbers, I’m sure they exist, because if they did not I would feel bad.
We are already planning to arm the teachers in our schools. Well now, if more guns make us more safe, and giving teachers guns makes the children at school more safe, then we need to carry out the most logical conclusion here.
You see now there is a solution to this here issue of violence in our schools, one that respects and reinforces our second amendment rights. We must arm the students in our schools. This will have the immediate benefit of providing our all-American arms manufacturers with a hefty profit. Also it should give our heroic in-school policemen, the “school resource officers,” as they are called, a better reason to go ahead and fire upon those children who are disobeying authority, as they know that the children in question will be armed.
With those questions out of the way, liberal fears of school policemen shooting unarmed students can finally be put to rest. Our brave men and women who have been beating and arresting small children will surely act accordingly and fire first when accosted by dangerous grade schoolers.
This should also help solve the intractable problem of abusive teachers filling the heads of our young people with unAmerican ideas about equality and justice. We also assume that armed football players and bullies will be able to give them a good scare if they might be of certain personal predilections regarding their romantic involvement with people of the wrong gender.
There are certain questions that have yet to be answered here. Namely, what guns do we recommend for the schoolchildren? Obviously funding will not be an issue, we will simply do away with frivolities like school lunches. Children can eat at home or at a friendly McDonalds where they work.
I think that the most pressing issue is that children under the age of twelve may need such small caliber weaponry, such as a .22 pistol, that they may not be able to sufficiently put down a school shooter. However, I believe that a dedicated group of grade school aged children wielding small pistols will be able to take down such an intruder without losing too many of their own. Obviously high schoolers, with their strong arms and well-developed hand-eye coordination, will be issued nine millimeter pistols like our fine police officers. Larger weapons and long guns can be made available as a reward to students participating in extracurricular activities such as lacrosse and flag corp.
Yes, there is only one path out of this gun-filled nightmare. Only one path that is not so hypocritical as to give teachers guns while our students go unarmed. Only one path that truly reflects our thoughts and deeds on the situation, while respecting our second amendment. For far too long we have only offered thoughts and prayers to the victims of gun violence. Now, I believe, we can offer them something better. A gun.
From the desk of Gulch “Gullywasher” Ditcherson (R) - Hoobastank