Pictured: Mississippi State Capitol, phile foto

At Pearl River Flow, we get interviews no other media outlet can. From our interview with Phil Bryant about his decision to create a “Confederate Heritage Month” to our one-of-a-kind eavesdropping on Donald Trump and Alex Jones in their bunker underneath the Pearl River, we achieve what no one else can, and our method is simple: We make it all up.

So here is an interview with the noted Mississippi shitheels who authored and sponsored the REAP Act, HB 1125, a desperate attempt to kill as many children as possible for their own depraved needs without being held in any way responsible.

They were surprisingly forthcoming.

Gene Newman (R-Chunky): Well I was just trying to figure out how to get some women killed.

Phillip Gunn (R-Haints) You’re too modest, Gene. He had a breakthrough. I thought that by creating a hell realm for women, that would make me happy, but then Newman over here said he had this idea for getting even more people killed, and some of them would be women.

Newman: In some ways, all of them would be women. Gunn: Yeah, we don’t understand it at all.

Mark Tullose (R-Bonkton) Well that was one of the things you know, we found out that we didn’t have to understand a goddamn thing! During Covid, you know, we were getting pretty high on the fact that we could just say whatever the hell we wanted and you know…

Newman: People would die! Drowning in their own fluids in a hospital bed! And all we had to do was nothin, really!

Chris “Somehow The Worse One” Brown (R-Horseland 2): Hold on now, we didn’t do ‘nothin.’ What we were doing closed a lot of hospitals, too. Can’t really have people dying IN hospitals if they close.

Dan Eubanks (R-Dewayne): And the thing where we made it so getting pregnant was more dangerous than ever, that just wasn’t cutting it. I mean, women and children were dying, sure.

Gunn: I could barely call that a victory, being pro-life and all. So we needed to find someone else to really screw over. To kill, you know?

Brady “Brad” Williamson (R-Lee 2): But they weren’t killing themselves. And while we work hard to make sure they’re vulnerable, we really asked ourselves: Could we be doing more to make them MORE vulnerable?

Eubanks: We do put in a lot of work making sure women are more vulnerable than anywhere else. Of course at this point it’s mostly maintenance, we’re already on the bottom there.

Newman: It’s like Philip always tells me to say ‘You got to stay on top of staying on the bottom.”

Everyone except Gunn laughs.

Brown: Uh, anyway. Like he said, we have an eye for detail when it comes to this sort of thing…

Steve Hopkins (R-Lorp): But we was getting diminishing returns on killing…

Nick Bain (R-Fikes): Literally killing, Steve. I mean if we can say a guy should go to jail forever because he was in a car with a murderer, what we’ve done should mean Parchman.

Hopkins: Damnit Nick I was talking!

William “Billiam” Arnold (R-Erp): *Laughs* Parchman’s not for rich white guys, Nick! Ole Nick there’s a real josher, a joker, a guy who… do the Baine voice, Bain.

Bill “William” Kinkade (R-DeWayne): Don’t you encourage him. But Gene here went onto a website and found a law that targeted some people we hated.

Jill “Jilliam” Ford (R-Badison): Last year we floated it, you know, a little bit of a soft opening. Trans athletes. Just some kids. There weren’t any playing sports that we could find, so we knew we’d have to widen our net. But the times weren’t really for it, it was just kind of… meh, you know? Everybody was hating CRT back then. And the payoff on that - the kind that gets people killed, the only kind we care about, just wasn’t good enough, you know? Nobody was dying.

Randall Patterson (R-Dick Shipland): Wow, who let the broad in here? Bringing the whole room down.

Arnold: DO THE BAINE VOICE, BANE.

Bain: Shut up Billiam. I did it once.

Gunn: You sounded like Werner Herzog on moonshine, Dick. I mean Nick.

There is a brief scuffle as they all yell at Nick Bane, who cries and runs out of the room.

Ford: God what a pussy.

Gunn: Biggest pussy on God’s green Earth.

Hopkins: Where was we? Ole Tater Tot’s tryin’ to russell up a lynchin’ sounds like, shoutin’ bout genitalia being mutilated like so many cattle, this is such a great day, maybe we won’t even have to wait for a kid to kill themselves.

Newman: And that’s what it’s all about. People dying. Especially people we don’t like. If just one kid who is down in life, who is being bullied and tormented by their teachers and classmates suddenly finds out that they can’t even go to their parents or their doctors, then they decide to end it all, well that puts a little bit of lead in my pencil, if you know what I mean.

Ford: Gross.

Arnold: That’s what it’s about, Jilliam. Gunn here sometimes gets focused on the numbers, how many people we kill, how many die, how many bridges collapse, or people without water or mothers dying in childbirth, but we’re called to a higher purpose here.

Brown: Suffering.

Eubanks: That’s right! We have a real chance here to make sure these kids are unwelcome, unwanted.

Newman: Suf-fer-ing!

Williamson: Woo! Suffering! Fuck yeah!

Eubanks: And at the end of the day, that's' what the REAP Act is all about. We get people killed. Killed by their family, that’s delicious. Themselves? Also great. Someone else? That’ll do. And you know, we take their money, we make sure that anyone who’s down gets kicked, and if they’re already getting kicked we make sure they’re getting kicked harder, and if they’re getting kicked hard, well we damn sure better make sure that boot we’re licking has steel toed boots.

Ford: For fuck’s sake we named it the REAP act, what kind of moron votes for the REAP Act? Sounds like a goddamn guided munition.

Gunn: We love it. Don’t butt in, Jilliam, Dan was on a roll! When I was out there defending churches from consequences of their rampant and ongoing sexual abuse I had a dream. A dream that there would be more abused kids. And sure, by the numbers, this bill doesn’t add many. But as long as we’re making any kid suffer a little more…

Patterson: And adults! Don’t forget that we’re also gonna make sure that adults who pay out the ass for shitty health insurance can’t use it the way they want to!

Gunn: Shut up, Patterson. But he’s right. Adults too. Not just kids. Mostly kids. It’s better when they suffer, because if their parents are empathetic, and suffer too? Well then those parents deserve to suffer. And if their parents are cruel and want to make sure their children experience a uniquely crushing hopelessness, well, we support those parents.

Eubanks: We’re tired of waiting on people we hate to leave the state or die.

Ford: And we hate everyone.

Eubanks: Right, we hate everyone. But we’re tired of waiting on them to leave the state or die slowly because of the inescapable trap of misery and poverty we’ve created. We want all of you to die.

Newman: That’s why I named it the REAP act. Time to get reaped, fuckers. Time to die.

Gunn: In Jesus’s name. Just like in the bible. He died for your sins, now you die because of ours.

All: Amen.